I had an experience today that I thought may be beneficial to share...
Some context: When I’m struggling, anxiety often presents itself as claustrophobia and panic when surrounded by large groups of people. For that reason, I subconsciously strategize my tail off to ensure a speedy escape route when in cramped, public settings (sitting at the end seat of row, positioning close to an exit, mentally archiving distraction techniques, etc).
Well today I found myself compelled to go to church (a relatively rare occurrence for me). I was accompanied by a couple of not so close friends who aren’t aware of the anxiety I struggle with.
Upon entering the service, I hinted at my usual preferences by suggesting we sit in the back near the exit. Overruled by these two guys, we ended up heading for the front section of seating. No luck on grabbing an end seat either, as availability required us to squish smack dab in the middle of the row.
I could have been more forceful at avoiding what was a perilous set up for me, but not having had any anxious experiences for some weeks and yearning badly for a sense of normalcy after so many years of battling anxiety, I decided not to protest.
The experience started out uneventful, but as the lights dimmed for a testimonial, my chest began to tighten. The room felt like it was closing in on me and that somehow the mass of bodies around me were crowding in closer. I quickly summoned my usual repertoire of strategies (controlled breathing, closing my eyes, undoing and redoing the buttons on my shirt, repeatedly pinching my arm), but to no avail. My breath became belabored as if I was sipping air through a straw and my thoughts jumbled in panicked confusion. I could feel the “fight or flight” adrenaline taking over my body.
As I began to gather myself to get up and flee, it occurred to me that the testimonial playing out in the background of my anxious episode was a mother tearfully recounting the overdose death of her child. I could sense that each of the thousand or so members of the congregation were transfixed by the profound sadness of this woman and the courage with which she shared her experience. Disturbing the moment by getting up to leave (and having to have others shift aside in their seats to make room for my exit), seemed a firm impossibility.
Faced with the prospect of either a full blown panic attack or being socially ostracized, I chose the prior. I fearfully settled back in my seat an braced for what was to come.
However, rather than allow the progression of catastrophic thoughts to kick into overdrive, I was somehow inspired by a sense of safety in the midst of it all. I spoke directly to my higher power and explained that I was in the middle of panic, and that was ok. I would allow this sensation to remain, if it chose to, and cease to fight against or run away from it. I knew at that moment that the force that governs all existence, my existence, ultimately conspires for my well being.
I rarely have such faith, but today I was resigned to allow the storm to come with confidence that it would ultimately pass.
And pass it did.
Strangely enough, I didn’t leave shaken by the chaotic experience. I had fully surrendered to the most awful malady I have know in my life... and I felt lifted by it... light as a cloud.
After years and years of therapy, drugs, and other strategies to manage anxiety, the conclusion I’ve come to is that surrender is the only choice. There is wisdom in the mantra of “no escape”, in sitting with what you fear most and allowing it to run its course.
For every sufferer on this forum, I honor your path to relief, whatever that looks like for you. What I have learned is that the end of anxiety for me rests on a foundation of non-resistance.
Be well.
xx
