New here with severe anxiety/depression

[Nalanina]

Hello everyone,

I am new here and looking for a place to speak about my struggles and get some support and hopefully give support as well. I am a mom of 2 and I am in the 2nd week of my 3rd severe episode of depression and anxiety. I have been struggling since I was a teenager. My grandparents raised me and my grandmother suddenly died when I was 15. I has my first panic attack at this age. I was pregnant with my first daughter at 17 and the anxiety and panic only got worse during pregnancy. I had to tough it out. Then I got pregnant with my second daughter at 18. Same thing bad anxiety and depression then HORRIBLE post partum depression after she was born. I was a lost teen and in an abusive relationship with my daughters father. All while grieving my grandmother and having very little support. Anyway, I had to do some intensive therapy in a day hospital and I started effexor for the first time. I got "better" or I was functioning again and got off the meds about a year later. I didnt have another episode for 7 years. After my grandfather died who was basically my father I had to get back on effexor again and remained on it for another 2 years. This time however when I came off 3 mo ths after the depressiona and anxiety were the worse they had ever been. I went right back on. I completed nursing school and just graduated in May. I again came off my meds hoping I was finally stable and in a good place. But now here I am AGAIN. The panic attacks came on a Friday evening completely out of the blue and it felt like I was stuck in a panic attack for a week straight. Nausea, chills, tremors, uncontrolled crying, pacing and the feelings of mpending doom omg the impending doom never left my mind. Everytime I would fall asleep I would wake up 15 min later in a full blown panic attack. Hell. I wanted to be committed. I was having dissociative symptoms and bad ruminating thoughts. For some reason my rumination is always about death and the after life. It's so tormenting. I went back to my doc and started back on effexor and ativan to get me through until effexor kicks in. She told me she thinks I also have PTSD. As of right now a week and a half into meds the panic attacks are getting less severe but the anxiety and the DEEP depression is here. I look around at my family my dogs, everything that usually fills my heart with joy and I feel like everything is pointless, I feel disconnected to reality. I have been reading a lot about the brain and stress and PTSD. And I understand my brain has changed due to chronic stress and trauma. I just wonder will I ever feel peace? Has anyone ever found ways to rewire the brain? Or will I be stuck on meds for the rest of my life always feeling like something is missing?

Also any tips for getting through the depressive episode without completely losing it is much appreciated. I have been meditating and basically laying on my couch. I try to walk my dogs but dont get far and I try to watch movies but cant always focus. I have tried coloring that helps a little. I tried to journal but the words are not coming out yet. I so desperately want to get better. I cant eat or work right now or do anything really. I feel like a failure.

[Hidden]

Hello and welcome to this site, you will find many here have mental health concerns similar to your own

You mention your Anxiety and depression, can I ask how you ended up with your Grandparents and not your birth Parents , also you explain PTSD , when did this problem started to affect your health concerns. you have You also mention you have two daughters, have you married the Father or someone else, we need help to look after children and a Partner need not to be married for a stable marriage or partnership.

You have gone through at least two periods where you have lost your Surrogate family, your Grandparents and that loss must have been a very trying time. However you past Nursing qualifications and that must have been a positive period in your life. However I suppose a nursing position in ways can be a stressful position, until you get set and used to the work.

How can we help

BOB

Early teens, twenties can be problematic

[Nalanina in reply to Hidden]

Thank you BOB. My grandparents raised me along with my mother in the same home. My mother struggled so my grandmother took over the mother role. I had never met my birth father until I turned 30. My psychiatrist just diagnosed me with PTSD with my current episode of panic attacks after I told her some of the things that happened to me that I never really considered trauma, but she did. I left the father of my children when they were babies but I am in a loving relationship at this point who is very supportive. He and the kids are all I have.

[Hidden in reply to Nalanina]

I hope you are able to settle in your new relationship with your Children and Partner.

My early live, I was looked after a Surrogate Family and Grandparents. My Parents travelled and sometimes I wonder if they were unable to relate to me in the correct way, my upkeep by them and Grandparents was quite hard, while my Surrogate family were loving and would take me out on bus and train trips. My education was quite poor this made me a poor student. I had two siblings at least ten years younger, they were brought up in a different understanding way I was still having problems with Sisters up until I was sixty when we moved away from what was then a severe disruption to our later lives. It has again raised its ugly head once more when My Mother died last January. Problems persist.

All I can really suggest is consider your needs now, we are here to listen and hopefully move on. This I feel is not your case, sometimes Parents pick up the faults of their Parents, it takes only on to infect there children, sometimes this can be directed to either or one of a family, this can be made worse for either sex. In my case it was a dislike of Males that disrupted my life.

If the need arises it is important you direct yourself away from the problem and move on, not spreading the problem to your children. I am not saying the problem I describe is your concern. You need to try and fight the PTSD you suffer from. To know the cause will help you move on.

I am approaching sixty nine years old

BOB

[Dreamie]

Welcome dear girl. The symptoms and troubles you’ve described will be understood by many of us here. It is definitely “no fun” and scary.

Yes, you can and will feel better. I guess having depression myself for 25-30 years (or more I don’t remember exactly when it started) and then picking up panic and anxiety about 9 years ago I would describe the journey like being on a rollercoaster blindfolded. Sometimes things are going along rather smoothly then out of the blue life takes a dip. It might be a small one or it may be huge. But eventually it does go back to a smoother ride. However all that said there is a multitude of things we can do to make the whole experience more manageable.

I know you are/were hoping that you could get off of medication and be done with this mental illness stuff. For many of us this is a life long battle. For me accepting it was hard but now that I have I can focus on the big picture and I have stopped fighting with the anger I felt about it just not going away and “why me”, etc.

One of the first pieces of advice I would give you is to give yourself a break. Right now it sounds like you aren’t functioning at your best level and that is ok. You will do better eventually. For now keep doing what you can (walking those dogs, meditating, coloring, etc). But don’t expect yourself to be superwoman right now.

To get through the depressive episodes without “losing it” that’s probably going to take some gentle pushing. Pushing yourself to get out of your head and enjoy a reprieve from whatever source you can. For me, I don’t feel like being social. In fact it seems to be the last thing I want at the time. But, usually a little bit of time with a positive friend or family member can go a long way. It doesn’t have to be a major event. Small steps. Get out of the house and out of your depressive thoughts.

How old are your girls now? How are you managing caring for them at this time?

I’m thinking of you and sending you my prayers. 💗

[Nalanina in reply to Dreamie]

Thank you so much for your thought and prayers it means so much. My girls are 12 and 14 they unfortunately understand what's going on with me and they help take care of me at this point but I manage to still be their mother they just know that I need time to get better. And my finace if 8 years helps as well. One of my biggest fears is them having the same struggles as me when they get older. I couldn't imagine them feeling this pain. I also worry myself to death about them because they have been with me since I was a teenager myself. We are very bonded and I'm so afraid of the possibility of not being there for them their entire life like if something happens to me. I know I am worrying about things they may never happen but that's what this disease does to me.

[Ragdoll15]

Hi welcome to this site. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in your suffering. I am going through pretty much the same symptoms as you and have never felt so awful am just lying on the settee most of the time feeling to overwhelmed to do much. I was on venaflexine (effexor) but stopped taking them a few weeks ago but since stopping them I have got worse. They weren',t the complete cure but took the edge off the symptoms. I am going to ask my Dr to put me back on it. It must be so difficult for you with two children to look after. I do pray that things will get better for you quickly. Be strong x

[Dinodog]

So sorry you are feeling this way and many of us can relate. You just started your meds back up- they will help- try to be patient until they do. Keep taking baby steps and taking care of yourself. Forcing yourself to walk the dogs- and maybe even break a sweat walking- might give you the little endorphin boost you need. At times like this I put one foot in front of the other and keep all expectations low. Don’t pressure yourself -this too will pass- it always does. Try to “thought stop” the stressful thoughts about your girls getting this etc- don’t focus on what you can’t control. You are a loving mom that is obvious- and your girls are benefiting from that. Hugs to you...

[Esther228]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandparents. I know how difficult and empty it feels to lose the ones we love. I lost both my parents and my grandparents, so I know what it feels like to not have your family here for support. I’ve caught myself several times wanting to tell my mother something and then having to wait a minute to realize that she is no longer here. It feels weird when that happens, but I know it is all part of the changes that have occurred for me. I then think about the fact that I will see her again one day and that makes me smile.

Have you talked with a grief counselor about what you have been going through? That may help provide you with more tools to help you get through these feelings.

For me, I delve into prayer, listening to Christain music, reading the Bible and daily devotionals, and listening to positive videos from some of my favorite pastors. I have a peace about where my parents are and that has been a real comfort for me, too.

I am praying that you feel better and that the anxiety goes away. You are doing so many good things to try and help alleviate those feelings. I like to keep a journal since it is a nice way to help me process my thoughts and feelings. I’m sure thinking of you.

[Brightfuture22]

Hi Nalanina,

It sounds like you’ve experienced so amazing highs and some very low, lows in your life. I am sorry you are back in this vicious cycle of anxiety and depression. I, too, am reeling from a horribly panic attack I had this morning. I went about 14 years between my last severe extended panic episode to this current one that started in April. That’s not to say I didn’t have anxiety flare ups in those 14 years, just no panic attacks and moderate/controllable anxiety.

The two things that’s have helped me is Ativan and therapy. Specifically EMDR therapy. Have you tried that?

I hope and pray you find relief and resemblance of a “normal” life back. Congratulations on completing nursing school! ❤️