When will I feel okay again

[Chluha]

This time last year I look back and I know I wasn’t perfect mentally but I would have been jealous of who I am today. I’m working at a job in sales, I got the boyfriend I wanted and chased, I even get to live with him. But... I’ve lost the joy out of the little things that unused to make me so happy. I really can’t afford therapy yet because I’m still in debt. But man I feel like everything makes me feel sad. I was legit some how happier when I was covered head to toe in psoriasis at least then I felt my beauty was more than skin deep.

As time goes on that boyfriend I once chased and now have is feeling the stress too. I can’t shut up about how I feel Suicidal but I also don’t be have the balls to take action on my feelings. I’ve very had such a hard time doing everything as of recently and I’ve been acting super erratic. I rarely get down time now a days and when I do I feel high strung and need to go out. Most of the time I upset my boyfriend with my need to explore, I’ve tried to enjoy my time alone but I don’t like who I am much. ((Even though I don’t deserve to feel like that, I’m not a bad person)) I just find myself unable to laugh and enjoy things like I once did.

I have what people call an infectious energy. When I’m happy, or in a good mood, I feel amazing, I bring up all the people around me. When I feel sad I drag myself down and make myself feel worse than I did before.

Will I ever be normal ? Am I always going to be erratic and sad ? It’s been like this for years but I have had points where I’ve felt happy for months. I think I lost most of that when I lost my car. I have so much to work towards but I’m not close to where I want to be, I feel like I’m five steps behind everyone else and I’m only 21.

People say I need to grow up, I’m too emotional and they are right but how do I just become a new version of myself overnight. I’ve got to be up at 6 am and my brain won’t let me sleep please help.

[clopez1514]

1) don’t ever compare your self to others 2) my son goes to therapy and pays nothing. Their are some therapist that charge off a sliding scale. 3) be kind to yourself. I found a video on YouTube that maybe helpful. Look up Louis Hayes. I pray for your healing. ❤️