Fighting for 14 years

[CaptainOfMyShip]

Hello,

I just got off the suicidal hotline and decided to join. I have struggled with depression since I was 10. Hospitalized for the 7th time this past march. I feel no self worth every day but I do put on a front for the world. I am so tired of letting my depression consume me. It is draining and I hurt so much inside emotionally . My family is full of narcissist except my mother. But I have put her through hell because of my MDD. I am single with no kids but I am struggling to make ends meet on my own. I work in a stressfull call center. I dread going to work and my anxiety spikes. I am so scared to be in a relationship because I have used by men, sexually and emotionally. I lost my best friend, my grandfather, in 2013. Life truly went downhill. I don't have friends because I truly have a jealousy issue and insecurities. I truly hate myself for various reasons. I am so lonely too. I dropped out of college because of severe depression. Sadly, I have always had an enterprenuerial spirit but cannot get my mind in the right place to flourish. People tell me all the time I am intelligent but honestly I have no self worth. I cannot see it. I am here to seek others who feel the same pain. Maybe I can change and help the next person someday.

[volleyballandtrack]

You are so worth it. Even I completely understand, you are worth it. We are here for you

[CaptainOfMyShip in reply to volleyballandtrack]

Thank you ❤I am going to keep fighting! It is just so hard.

[o2G2o]

I've always felt like intelligence (coupled with certain world-views) tends to lead to depression. You mention being entrepreneurial, which suggests (to me) an aversion to typical life paths, such as going to university to buy your way into a job you hate but which offers stability. Perhaps at your age that is unsettling to you, as it seems like the world is your oyster, yet you don't know where to begin and feel like you've failed before you've started.

[CaptainOfMyShip in reply to o2G2o]

I do feel like a failure each day tbh. I had a certain vision for myself by the time I was 24. I was supposed to have graduated college, have a decent paying corporate job, traveling, and in the process of buying of my first home to name a few. Especially after coming from an impoverished background. Instead I have been in homeless shelters countless times, work a customer service job most people could not handle, and in and out of hospitals and therapy. However, I realize I could slowly reverse my issues. I am so afraid that I mentally will never be able to. I agree that certain world views, standards formulated by society do cause depression for sure. I am a victim FOR NOW. Thank you for your insight ❤

[Hidden in reply to CaptainOfMyShip]

Hi, I'm Mmc3. I just want to let you know that we are with you. Don't think about suicide any more. In my eyes you are very precious and valuable. Take care of yourself and don't lose your heart.

[sunandbutterfly in reply to CaptainOfMyShip]

It can be really hard when life knocks us down and we find ourselves far from where we had dreamed. Know that you are worth it and you will get through this. I would encourage you to continue to attend therapy as you can. It sounds like you know the resources to reach out to when you are in crisis.Sometimes, listening to other people's stories can be helpful. Are you familiar with Lacey Sturm? Her story is very inspirational. Mine is much less impressive but would be glad to share if it would help. Praying for you. Please also let me know if you would like to be pointed to any additional resources.