still struggling

it's been a while since I posted on here.

i wish i could say things have totally turned around for me, but the truth is that things are pretty much the same.

EXCEPT

the one thing i did manage to do was to get another job. this job has excellent benefits, pays slightly better than my last job, and is a closer commute from home.

so i have that going for me and believe me, i'm hanging onto this positive change with everything i have.

i've been here a little over a month.

that being said, in the last month i've either arrived to work or left from work in full-on anxiety mode, often in tears or even sobbing, as my life outside of my work is in such disarray.

i'm still struggling with the demise of my marriage, which was almost 3 years ago and I don't know why i can't just get past the hurt and move the fuck on.

mainly i just feel this deep, debilitating sadness every day. this big empty abyss of nothingness.

if i didn't have my son (who is amazing) and our two dogs, there would literally be nothing to tether me to this earth.

i'm in counseling and if anything it's just the place for me to go and let go of some of the bottled up despair i've been living with for the past 3 years.

i put on a really good front on the outside, and it's exhausting to maintain, so it's nice to have someone to listen to me every couple weeks or so, like it's my safe place to cry and be engulfed in my sadness, because my therapist has to listen to every word.

i don't have any friends, and I don't do anything for myself, although with this new job i have TRIED (on occasion) to be a cute girl on the outside. maybe put on some mascara, and try to wear something that is form flattering...but most days I don't even pay attention to myself, I don't even look in a mirror because i'm sick of the sad face looking back at me.

i think it's going to be like this for me for a while, maybe the rest of my life.

my ex has introduced his newest g/f to our son.

i can't put into words how that makes me feel.

he left me so he could be with other women (because I wasn't good enough), and now he's introducing them to our son.

i honestly don't know how to handle that.

part of me is like maybe i should try to date, but the online apps are so awful, and i honestly can't conceive of putting myself out there to get hurt or rejected again.

i haven't even been with a man since 1 January 2018.

it sucks.

on the one hand, i really miss the sex and being someone's 'special someone'.

contrary to what my ex thought, i know i was a great partner/wife/lover.

and i'm an awesome mom.

on the other hand, i'm so bitter and pessimistic i probably would sabotage any attempt at connecting with someone.

so i remain alone.

whatever, it's fine. it is what it is.

thanks for letting me vent.

[brokenlight]

💛