Struggling

[Helpme09281957]

I am totally new to this, my first post. I am severely depressed with anxiety. I was a medical assistant for many years, and unfortunately following surgery was given opiates and within 2 weeks became addicted. I lost my job, ( my career), lost my father, and my only child passed away 2 years ago from a rare disease. I can barely make it through a day. I swear I have tried every antidepressant there is without significant results. I feel as if there is absolutely nothing to get up in the morning for. At about 4 AM I start panicking about getting through another day. Believe me, I know all the things I should be doing, but Brushing my teeth is a chore. My mother is supportive, but doesn't know what to do anymore. Nothing gives me pleasure. I used to be an avid reader, now can barely retain what I have read. I am not living, just existing. Honestly, I would rather have cancer then live like this. Maybe someone can tell me something that will turn the table. Thanking you all in advance for your words of wisdom

[quitter333]

You are warrior of life. We are born to conquer more, to consume the wast emptyness of space. That is enough motivation to work and live and become better.

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If you have hard time and as you described reasons are several - deal with them one by one. It may seem easier to just quit a lot both physical or mental, but it's not and will take more time to recover.

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reasons why you are in this state.. perhaps dedicate your time to not allow such things to happen to others

[jkl5500]

Welcome to the site! I'm very sorry about all your losses and misfortunes. I hope that you are at least undergoing talk therapy to help you through this.

[Babyboomer1960]

I am also going through a time in my life where I have become basically nonfunctional in life. So far, medications haven’t worked for me either. Is 1957 your birth year? The reason I am asking is that I was born in 1960, and just recently an ER doctor told me that at my age I would be low on progesterone and that could be making things worse. I have an upcoming appointment to discuss this with a doctor. The only thing is, I have been low on progesterone for at least 7 years (since menopause) and I didn’t become nonfunctional with the anxiety and depression until all of the negative life experiences just caused me to break down. Be thankful, you have your mom there for support. I am living alone, basically without support, and the isolation is making me even worse. I also realize that I am making myself even worse because I am so afraid of how bad I am feeling, also dreading each day. I am sorry you are going through this. I just try to keep reminding myself that other people go through terrible times and somehow manage to come to a place of peace and contentment again.

[Helpme09281957 in reply to Babyboomer1960]

Yes, I am 62. Had hysterectomy many years ago. Life shouldn't be so hard. I honestly don't know what I would do without my mother. I tell myself I need to be strong for her. I realize i may never be ha ha happy, I just want some peace of mind and contentment. Have Dr. Appointment this morning, so we'll see. I'm afraid he is going to stop my Ativan, and without that, I will be in a state of panic. Thanks for your reply

[Babyboomer1960 in reply to Helpme09281957]

I had my 2nd psychiatrist appointment today. Starting new meds again! So once again I start out with some hope that something will finally work. Thankfully, she has continued my Ativan. I’m restarting a lower dose of Zoloft, in order to try to avoid the side effects that made me quit the first time. Plus, she added Remeron, which is supposed to work well for sleep at low doses. I hope your appointment went well. I think our current situations may be quite similar. For me, what I call “the breakdown” happened in early April, but it was building up at least since last October and probably before then. My issues leading up to the breakdown were marital separation, living alone for the first time in my life, health anxiety, dog bite, alone at Christmas, part time job after being a stay at home mom for almost 30 years, back to back viral illnesses all through the month of January while going to work rather than staying home to recover, death of my almost 13 year old dog (expected), unexpected death of my cat two days later, failure of ex to pay support as promised, empty nest (daughter), relationship problems with son, who then initiated contact with my abusive ex who I have been avoiding/hiding from for almost 30 years. There’s more.....these are just the “highlights”. (Even before all this happened, I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, which I thought I was managing well without medication .....apparently not). I thought I was handling it all, right up until about a week before I ended up in the ER with a panic attack and blood pressure 200/125. Since then, I have been basically non functional and and scared about my inability to “bounce back” in any meaningful way.

I just want you to know that you are definitely not alone in what you are going through.

[Helpme09281957 in reply to Babyboomer1960]

Oh my gosh, you poor thing!!! You've made me feel like I have nothing to bitch about! My mom was a stay at home mom, entering the workforce is tough. Honestly, I don't know how you have pulled through all that. Dr. Appointment went OK, he didn't change anything, and Thank God he continued my Ativan. Act I just got home from the ER because I haven't been able to sleep for the last 3 nights, just wanted a shot or something to put me to sleep, but the dr. said they would have to do blood and urine tests, so I left. Can't afford all that to just get something for 1 night of sleep. I'm so sorry you were alone on Christmas. Thank you for your reply, and please write back. Becky

[Babyboomer1960 in reply to Helpme09281957]

When I heard you lost a child, it made me feel like I had nothing to complain about. I am so sorry for your loss. I was just prescribed the new med remeron for sleep. My insomnia is awful too. I have been combining a benedryl and an Ativan to get a few hours sleep. On my best night I might get 5 or 6 hours, on my worst nights, no sleep at all. I don’t want to take the remeron tonight because I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow at 1:00 pm and I have read reviews of people sleeping 18 hours after taking it.

I find that antidepressants give me insomnia and make me lose what little appetite I have. I have lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I was a bit overweight at the time, but now I don’t want to lose anymore. One good thing...I am at my ideal weight now. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of my new med is a big increase in appetite. I’ll have to be careful.

Are you taking any medications that might be causing your insomnia? Three nights without sleep is awful. My new psych nurse practitioner seems to be trying her best to address my sleep issues. Last time she prescribed Seroquel, which sunk me into a deep depression, so now she is having me try the remeron. I just hope it lets me get some decent sleep finally. I hope you get some sleep tonight too.

I’m glad you decided to post on this board. I look forward to your reply too. If you check out my previous posts, you can read about all the trouble I had getting treatment once I had my breakdown in April. That was a whole different nightmare. Fortunately, after two months, I seem to have finally found a therapist and someone who will actually prescribe the psych meds. At least that is a start. I am so tired of feeling so bad!

Jeanne

[Helpme09281957 in reply to Babyboomer1960]

Hello, your post was interesting, especially about the Seroquel. I take 600 mg at night, enough to kill a small horse. I hope to God that it is not making me worse. Have taken it for many years. I sit alone in this apartment and b could literally scream. Fortunately for me, my mother is able to basically support me. There is no way I could work a job right now. Not even close, although it would probably be the best thing for me. Doing my hair and makeup everyday, can't do it. I have to literally force myself to eat. I would love to be actually be "hungry". If someone were to ask me to go out to eat at my favorite restaurants, nope. Sometimes I wonder about the phrase "nervous breakdown", like how do you know? I feel I am getting so far from "normal" I won't know how to get back to at least contentment. The Dr always asks me if I am homicidal or suicidal, and no I'm not, (although sort of want to kill the lady in front of me who took 20 minutes picking out her lottery tickets at the store, Ha). Not suicidal, but I do understand it. You must be in such agony mentally that you just can't stand it a minute longer. I get that. As I said before, I can't do something like that to my mother. And yes, losing my only child has affected me maybe more than I realize. Once again, I thank you for your reply.

[Babyboomer1960 in reply to Helpme09281957]

I definitely feel like I have had a “nervous breakdown”, even though that isn’t diagnostic term. I’ve been asked the same questions about suicide and homicide, and like you....I’m not, but I understand it a whole lot more now than I used to. I’m wondering if what I am going through is temporary. Will it run it’s course and just be over one day?

I feel the same way you do about working right now. I couldn’t handle it right now either.

Today, my therapist asked me to list some things that I might enjoy doing. I really couldn’t come up with one thing that I would really enjoy. I told her I wanted to do my taxes and mow the lawn. I’m going to try to make a salad this week as part of my therapy. I’m not even sure I can do it.

How long has this been going on for you? I know I started going “downhill” around last October, but have been basically a prisoner in my own mind since the beginning of April. It is very boring, yet doing anything seems too much.

I feel so old....but I see people even 20 or 30 years older than me out there living life to the fullest, while I feel like there is nothing left for me to do. I don’t even know if I really feel this way, or I am just going through a major episode of depression. I know I didn’t feel like this a year ago. It is all just so frustrating. I’m hoping this attempt at taking Zoloft is successful.

Did you finally get some sleep?

Jeanne

[Helpme09281957 in reply to Babyboomer1960]

How are things going with you? Did you meet your goals of lawn and taxes? I have actually felt a little better. 4th of July, have no plans. Where do you live? I am in Iowa. Boring! I wrote a letter to myself to try harder to change things. My mom wants me to have a complete physical at Mayo Clinic, so thinking about that. Let me know how things are going for you. Becky

[Babyboomer1960 in reply to Helpme09281957]

My son and his girlfriend took me out to see the fireworks. They know what I have been going through these past months. This is the first thing I have done other than go to the store or doctor’s appointments. It was a struggle, but I did it. It helped me not feel so isolated and alone.

I mowed the lawn, and the taxes are about half done. So, that’s something. I have also made some salads. So, I am following through on my therapy “homework”. Lol. I guess I am tolerating the Zoloft alright. I started at 12.5 mg, and I am up to 37.5mg in less than a week.

I’m glad you are feeling a little better. I feel like I am doing a little better, though not really feeling any better. Right now, I think it appears to other people that I am “feeling better”, just because I seem to be more functional. Are you actually feeling better? If so, what do you think is improving your mood? That’s what I want....to actually feel better.

I live in the Upstate part of South Carolina. I am originally from Michigan though, so I am familiar with the cold weather you have in Iowa.

Is the Mayo Clinic far from where you live? Do you think there may be some underlying physical condition that is affecting how you feel? I wish that I had a treatable medical condition that would get rid of this depression and anxiety. That would be so much easier.

Jeanne

[Helpme09281957 in reply to Babyboomer1960]

Are things better with your son since you went to the fireworks with him? Was mowing your lawn difficult? That's great that you were able to do that. I really miss not having a lawn and flowers to take care of. I am only 90 miles from Mayo Clinic. I really don't think I have a physical problem, but have to admit it has been a long time since I have had a physical. Mainly doing it for my Mom as my self care hasn't been very good. I wrote a letter to myself stating goals I want to achieve,etc. Signed and dated it, and will read it every day if I have to. Am also going to start counseling which I haven't done in a very long time. I hate going to the grocery store, but went the other day and got things that are easy to eat-pudding, jello, yogurt, etc. As I said before, my father was very successful and left my mom very well off financially. We spent 3 hours with her attorney the other day figuring a plan for me. I feel totally pathetic at the age of 62 l living off my mother. She is going to b give me an "allowance" and I will be responsible for taking care of my finances. I do a lot of things for mom such as errands, helping around the house and whatever else she needs. Helps with the guilt a little bit. She is taking my sister to Italy for 2 weeks in September and I am going to stay at her condo and watch her dog. Am looking forward to staying there for a change of pace. I actually made some cornbread muffins the day, big deal, huh! Am getting back into reading which I love but concentration has been hard. Baby steps, right? I'm not very good at it, but positive self talk does help. We are each unique and special in our own way which we tend to forget. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing, I really do care. Becky

[Spirithouse]

Most people don’t know this but acupuncture can help with anxiety and depression. There are certain protocols that specifically deal with trauma in the body, whether it’s physical or emotional. It is a natural way to find relief from your suffering. These things you are feeling are due to stuck emotions. Acupuncture takes a few sessions to maintain healing but I would give it a try.