Hello again all, I have returned after a extended break from posting on here. The past 7 months have been full of ups and downs. The last one I talked about here was my long term boyfriend and I had broken up and I was very upset and spoke about just wanting to have fun. And well, I did exactly that. I had a lot of sex.
Now, I can admit the first time I had relations with someone after my ex wasn’t exactly the smartest as it was my roommates ex boyfriend. Meaning they broke up hours before things happened. Not my proudest moment I can admit.
From that point on , I went on to “date” two people who I would consider “rebounds”. I was very hurt and just wanted to feel loved and admired. I said some things that I shouldn’t have to these people because I knew I wasn’t in the space to. On both occasions I cut things off and explained I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet again. And I wasn’t. I was very scared to be open again on a deep level with someone.
Tinder and Bumble became my best friends. I would talk to a lot of people and be flirty. I liked the attention. I met up with who I wanted and things went on from there. I don’t remember every single person and that’s just life. You don’t remember every one you meet. I remember the night I decided to put hook ups on pause because I matched with someone, he came over for 30 MINUTES , things happened and he just put on his shoes and left. In that moment , I felt so ashamed of myself for letting someone just use me like a toy. I felt gross and disgusting. I remember showering and sobbing and scrubbing my whole body with a loofa as the same question replayed in my mind: “is this all I’m good for?” I got even more depressed from this.
During this time I reconnected with my childhood best friend who is also the first boy I ever kissed/ said “I love you” to. We hadn’t spoke in 5 years , and I ran into him at Target. he came over later that night and we ate ice cream, laughed, cried, and then he kissed me. It had been about a month since I had been physical with someone and I asked him “what are you doing?” He apologized and said he got caught up in the moment and thought it would be okay. I told him it was okay that he kissed, just threw me off guard because I didn’t think he still thought about me like that. We ended up to the agreement to be FWB. Having an emotional connection to him already and finally adding a physical aspect to it was rattling to me and so I held back on meeting people. I was going to go visit him one weekend in February but the weather was just awful for traveling as far as I was going to. Which is why I stayed home.
Which leads me to say that everything DOES happen for a reason. The weekend after Valentine’s Day. This week was difficult for me because I hadn’t been alone in two years on Valentine’s Day. I was on tinder and was just swiping when I came across this guys profile and I thought “omg he’s super freaking cute. But no way he swiped right on me” I swipe right: ITS A MATCH.
HE MESSAGED ME ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
He was like wow omg you’re so beautiful, your name suits you perfect, you look like Marilyn Monroe.
We started talking and he said he wanted to meet up and hang out. I was going to have to drive which I didn’t mind but we didn’t the first time he asked.
The next day he text me at like 3pm: hey I’m heading back to where I live tomorrow, I HAVE to meet you. I decided to go over , pick him up, and hang out. When I saw him in person for the first time, I lost my mind. He was even hotter in person and I flipped out a little. We went back to my apartment, had a great time, got ice cream on the way back and as we were driving the song “Close to Me” was on the radio and we both started singing and he held my hand and said this is now our song. He had to go back to base because it turned out he’s in the Army.
Fast forward to now: he came back to visit in late March. we are head over heels for each other in love and he’s trying to come to visit for my birthday. We’ve been talking for 3 months and he is genuinely the biggest teddy bear and sweetheart in the world. We have a lot in common , we can make each other laugh even we are upset and talk about anything.
I recently opened up to him about my battles with my mental health and he just listened and said he understood and that he was there to support me and was “here to stay”. I am so so happy I met him and it is the first time in a really long time I have felt genuinely loved by someone.
As for my mental health, I have been off my meditation for about 8 months now because of the side effects. No matter what I took I would always feel or get sick. The only thing I’ve been on in Nexplanon which is a birth control implant.
I had it removed because it was almost time to get a new one and have a consultation for the possibility of having an IUD placed that would last 10 years.
As for where I’m living , I am sharing an apartment with my awesome roommate who got me my latest job and we work together too now. We are both Gemini’s so the apartment is always in chaos.
I was recently diagnosed with a Borderline Celiac Gluten Sensitivity basically meaning wheat/gluten is poison to my body. I have switched to gluten free diet which is tough I’ll admit and have caved in to some bread / fried chicken only to deal with the consequences the next day of stomach cramps and pains.
I am currently trying to find a form of exercise that I will enjoy to do daily to keep myself and back healthy. I am open to suggestions. The area I live in isn’t the best for running due to traffic.
I have a interview tomorrow to get a second job at a cafe.
I hope to post another good update soon.
Thanks to all who show love and support on my journey
☀️☀️☀️
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