A little about me

[WyoNurse]

So I just recently started seeing a therapist! I’ve been playing the role of super-mom for a long time and it’s finally catching up, I guess. She said I am the poster child for PTSD and I need to start dealing with this monster before it becomes too uncontrollable for me. I knew something was shifting but couldn’t put my finger on it. I was becoming more irritable, difficult time concentrating, unable to manage the 5 million things i normally do for everyone....started feeling like I was getting pulled apart by everyone and everything....it got worse and worse. The prescription for Prozac I was given several years ago suddenly wasn’t enough to ward off the bad days and the Xanax I have had since 2017 is back in purse and being used nearly daily. I reached out to someone after I was away for work and had dark thoughts.....I had decided to take a drive around the lake where I was working onsite, and it was then that I found a place I could easily drive my car into the lake....this idea became a GOOD idea to me. I rushed back to my cabin and began researching death by drowning, does it hurt, etc.....this was my way out, my way to get all of these people and things to quit pulling at me. I found the spot, it doesn’t hurt, really is quite painless and fast, and my anxiety and stress would be gone!!! I decided to look into my spot closer the following day. I woke up in the middle of the night barely able to breath, covered in sweat and completely hysterical because it dawned on me that I had just had a plan to end my life, suicidal ideation......I’m a nurse.....I’ve helped others thru this, it should never be happening to me, I never even saw it coming. I didn’t have a single thought about anyone but myself......until later......now, here I am, I reached out for help. I don’t want to die, I want to get better. So one day at a time, one step at a time. Here we go!

[jkl5500]

I'm glad you reached out for help. This is a good place to share your problems, as we all know what you're talking about.

[Snowyowl23]

You are not alone wyonurse.... I am in the medical profession as well and have had similar thoughts. How easy it would be to OD on muscle relaxers and hydroxyzine mixed with alcohol. Just... go to sleep and not wake up. To not feel the pain anymore. it’s hard especially when your job is to care for others to care for yourself. I too play the role of super mom and it’s so overwhelming and exhausting,.. taking care of basic things feel like a 100lb weight. Much less doing the work you once loved (or thought you would love). I applaud you for reaching out for help. It’s a hard step to take but once you take that first step you’re on the track to getting better.

[WyoNurse in reply to Snowyowl23]

I’ve thought about pills too, but I worry I wouldn’t take enough and wake up disappointed that I can’t even kill myself the right way.

[Snowyowl23 in reply to WyoNurse]

I’ve had that thought too. There have been times I have woken up and thought damn I’m still awake. I guess it means I still have a purpose??