First post i guess?

[1stepforward]

Stopped to think abt my life for a few hours in a walmart parking lot.

I have never been part of an online support community before and was referred here by a Crisis Text Line counselor. After speaking with them for a while, i at least have better idea of my mental health goals.

This has been a rough few years. I think ive been making choices based on what i feel i deserve moment by moment because i dont see the point in investing in a future i dont believe exists. I tend to allow myself a sort of controlled amount of progress and positivity but sabotage anything that feels uncontrollable. I dont share my feelings with family because it was usually dismissed or used or used against me growing up and i was safer when i isolated myself and stayed quiet. But now that i have compassionate, trustworthy friends, i still keep anything deeply negative to myself - that kind of honesty paralyzes me.

And frustratingly i like myself. I am smart and resourceful and artistic and talented. I take care of my family and am a good listener. I know i deserve to recover. I know its okay to share my true feelings.

But that knowledge is fiercely opposed to how i feel - which is totally irrational!

Im so angry with myself, with my head. I need different ways to cope and process these feelings. My fear is that my attitude and my selfishness drag down anyone i talk to here. But bottling it up hasnt fixed anything yet so i'd better risk failing again instead of leaving things as they are.

[Sillysausage234]

Welcome looks very lonely there at Walmart but kind of peaceful too

[1stepforward in reply to Sillysausage234]

Its kind of a world apart. Sort of liminal.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to 1stepforward]

Your welcome there’s always someone else on here that’s the great thing about us ...lovely blue sky I could sit there daydreaming for hours too ...best wishes

[Hidden]

I can understand you keeping very negative feelings to yourself. It can be hard in this day and age to express negative feelings to other without some sort of backlash. You are not alone, and I hear you. I can relate to what you're feeling. I spent the past 7 days, bottling up my very negative/bad feelings in fear that they would push people away. And, bam! I shared with a "friend" that I felt as though things would never get better and she said she cannot be friends with me because she always feels hurt (false statement, but hey it made her feel better so ...). Other people have been somewhat more supportive though I am still incredibly lonely and still struggle with the negative feelings and the night is approaching and I've felt sooooo very very lost every night feeling that the night will never end. Just know that you are not alone.

[1stepforward in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, this headspace really sucks. Thanks for your solidarity.

[Hidden in reply to 1stepforward]

I concur. Maybe tomorrow will be different.

[Michael8072]

Hi. I've always been one to bottle up my feelings. I don't have many friends and have found it very hard to meet people. I've let my feeling and shared here from time to time and it's been good. Its nice to have some kind of support and to know your not alone. Hope you continue to share here and wish you the best of luck through your journey.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Michael8072]

You got me Michael haha any more 🐬 dolphins

[JEG325]

I also bottle up my feeling and isolate myself from people because I don't think they would understand. I also don't wan to bother people. I have set in a large store parking lot more than once thinking about my life. But, I do find that finally letting things out is very helpful. Look, I know of something that may help. Pm me and I will talk to you about it. Otherwise I wish you peace, happiness & love. Have a blessed day!

[Coolid in reply to JEG325]

Hey

I would like to know what is it that helped you cope negative feelings

[JEG325 in reply to Coolid]

Pm me please.

[Hidden]

Welcome...

Don’t bottle things up..

Your not alone x

[JEG325 in reply to Hidden]

A good message to me too!

[Hidden]

hi and welcome..thank you for posting..i like the idea you were making choices moment by moment..there and there..would you like to share some of those deep negative feelings you keep to yourself? its definately ok to share your true feelings and your at the right place for that..im here to hear from you..from melbourne australia..

[Hidden]

You’re not dragging anyone down that doesn’t want to be down or that isn’t already down. Or they wouldn’t be around.

I am learning we need to be selfish. We are number one. Yet, all these years I was number two.

It’s better out then in