More in love with my depression than with the people who love me

It hurts to admit that I fell in love with my depression and my loneliness because I just think I wouldn't be nothing without them. Instead of opening up to what was going one with me I decided to embrace my issues. I stared to push my best friend away I would look for ways to push her away. We wouls fight about everything and for a short period of time when we would be mad at each other I was happy but then I would feel like the worst person because we love each other so much. But it was my friend loneliness that would take control of me and wouldn't let me go out. Lately sleeping is so much better at least im not crting, at least im not fighting. I just power off and accept that tjis is the new me. I have this bad attitude with the one's that love me just because I fell in love with my bitter side

[Kat63]

That’s a tough thing to deal with. At least you have the awareness to realize what you’re doing.

[Concernedparent23]

Sending hugs to you LonelyStar27 x

Those two are not your friends and you are more than them. But you know that, you have amazing self awareness to be able to notice and describe it.

I wanted to thank you for writing this, it’s helped me to understand what’s going on with my mum.

She is very good friends indeed with bitterness and loneliness and pushes everyone else away, including her children at times. I’m not sure how aware she is of this though.

For the longest time when I was younger I just thought it was me that was bad and worthless. Your words, and others in this group, have helped me see it in a different light.

I know it must be beyond difficult but please tell that bitterness to take a hike, and write yourself a different script. Start by changing your username to be what you would like to be, not want not what your two buddies had led you to believe. For example

FriendlyStar27

ShiningStar27

HopefulStar27

GentleStar27

Or something similar.

Wishing you all good things and thank you again x

[Hidden]

You’re lucky you have a real friend that is holding on to you’re friendship. My friends seem to all let me go and forgot the friendship I gave them

[Hidden]

the only way to be..i think like you and its worked for me..

[fauxartist]

sometimes we push people away that we love for fear of them actually leaving us, sometimes because we don't feel worthy of being loved, and sometimes because our depression has us in a dark place.....there are emotional abandonment issues, self worth, fear....lots of things that could be at play when we push people away.....

It might be worth it to look into some other reasons beyond your depression, often many of us have other things that our depression contributes to the depths of and inability to process because depression has us stuck, but it is a disease, a chemical imbalance in the brain....we just feel sad without any reason why. But sometimes we have reasons along with our disease.

[SunsetPink]

I agree with everyone above. The fact that you recognize that you are picking depression over life, gives me hope. The fact that you're writing here, shows you don't want to choose the depression. You want to live and let go of the sadness and you long for the friend, but it's easier to choose the depression. DON'T LISTEN TO THE DEPRESSION - YOU DO DESERVE THE FRIEND. Do the right thing, the harder thing, and you will be so much happier in the end. Choose LIFE friend! You CAN do this. Talk to your friend who is always there for you. Don't fight but open up, apologize and tell them how much you appreciate them. Don't take them for granted, don't take life for granted. You never know what you might be missing. I'm sure it's pretty amazing... I want to know more about where you want to be, not where you're at right now.