it feels like my depression is more honest than anyone else

[CroutonBehavior]

Logically, I know that there are people out there who could support me in the future. I know I deserve better and I'm capable of being treated better but none of those facts change where I am right now.

Depression tells me that I have no one in my personal life that cares about me. The next step would be to find evidence that goes against it but there is none. If they cared, they'd talk to me, text me, call me, or check on me. Everyone knows I'm in a bad space and I've made it clear that I need a limit on how much space I'm given. But they give me endless space and push me away by being cruel and dismissive.

Again, logically I know that the world isn't like that. I repeat to myself all the time that I'm smart, I'm kind, I'm capable of love, and capable of receiving it. But depression is anything but logical and it holds more weight than any facts I could remind myself of.

It's hard to not feel alone and to feel like there's hope when I have no evidence. I know there is hope, I know I'm not alone in my experiences but it doesn't matter. My mother has told me she's not my mother, she's told me that I have no home. She's been the opposite of motherly so really, she's not my mother and she's just the woman who gave birth to me.

Physically and mentally, I am always alone. I barely get to talk to anyone beyond small talk with my sister. I have so much evidence that I am unloved and that it doesn't get better and none to indicate that I'm supported or that there is any reason to get better.

While I appreciate everyone on the internet who try and turn this around and try to support me. It isn't the same and I can't see things any other way. Not when people in my personal life actively support and prove to me that my depression has some truth to what it says. I'm still trying to hang onto that logical part of me, that's the only reason I'm still around but that doesn't make the pain any less.

[cashew78]

I mean no ill intent, but I must ask if you are seeking comments? Did you need to get this out?

[CroutonBehavior in reply to cashew78]

Not really. It was on my mind so I felt the urge to get it out. It helps knowing that other people might read it so it doesn't feel contained to my own head. Comments help to an extent but I know nothing anyone says will help. That doesn't stop me from hoping that someone will say something I've never heard before.

[cashew78 in reply to CroutonBehavior]

THAT makes you more honest than your depression. You are stating what you think, what you feel, what you need. Depression takes all that and finds a way to bury it. If it's not talked about, it perpetuates itself. It's not a living organism, but it certainly acts like a parasite in the mind. You're posting alone robs it of power because you're examining it.

[litethatnevergoesout]

don’t underestimate the fact that most people, including ones that suffer the same conditions as you do, are just illequipped to help or support or understand you.

[ElephantsHear]

Are you safe? The relationship with your mom will change and I hope for the better. You are loved by people in your life and people in your future. I’m sad and lonely right now-anxiety-but it’s going to get better for both of us!

[CroutonBehavior in reply to ElephantsHear]

I'm as safe as I can get right now. The relationship with my mother will change but I don't think it will ever get better. I'd prefer it if you didn't tell me that the people in my life love me when I spent most of the post explaining that they don't. No one in my life loves me right now and the people who might love me in the future don't matter right now. All that matters is the present moment and it doesn't look good. I hope it gets better for you but there's no rule that says things will or have to get better. After 12 years of depression and a lifetime of anxiety, I don't think it would matter if I got better. The damage and loss is irreversible.

[ElephantsHear in reply to CroutonBehavior]

None of us get through life unscathed. It’s not such an easy life and we carry our history with us. I think you’ll grow as a person and you’ll be able to use coping skills that work better to communicate. IDK. I hope you’re okay.

[Cotton_candy91]

your post made me cry .. I understand you and I have mentioned that few times to some people friends or random people, they all say the opposite as you said ! But I agree with you 100% and yes being depressed can open ur eyes and you can feel and see everything clearly, I’ve been always the good person at least I would say 70% I am a giver and a good friend and very supportive and understanding and really nice and never judged anyone for anything they say or they do ! But unfortunately I have never been treated good as I treat the others , I’ve been always in a second place sometimes without a place , I cut off my relationship with my family since years because they are very toxic , friends I’m not sure what to say , but a friendship over 20’s ended up without even an explanation, just ghosting for no reason , sure this is also traumatizing, but my point is trust your feeling and I believe all what have you said is correct . Some people will see it in another way like ( this is depression talking ) but it’s not . Thank you for sharing I hope what I wrote can be helpful or comforting 🤍.