"I'm Fine." The lie we tell.

[Unlucky7]

I have suffered severe depression and anxiety since the birth of my first child. I hid it well, or so I thought, until I just couldn't anymore. I had myself committed to an out patient program in 2011-2012. I was never one to share how I was feeling and trying to do this with my spouse was messy and did not ever seem to come out the way it I wanted it to. He was angry, really angry and felt like he had been living a lie, that his interpretation of our relationship was all a lie. He moved out and events happened that created a greater division of trust in both of us. The issue is that divorce isn't an option. For the last seven years we have been living a half life, with him coming and going to and from the house whenever he wants to visit the kids and have access to his things, but never since he has moved out has he spent a night at home. In the beginning I thought that having sex with him might make him come home, but I was wrong. It took almost seven year to realize that my body is mine and I should not use it to try and get what I want, it makes me feel like less of of person. I just stopped and have never told him why, he makes remarks and I ignore them. I am trying to resolve the idea that I am not good enough to be fully loved by someone. That I am more than just a means to maintain access to ones possessions and property. I stopped asking if he was ever coming home. I have had miserable years with teen boys and asking him for help always made him angry. Why can the boys and I not figure this out. He's tired of the calls in the morning when they won't get up and around for school, when I am crying because I am afraid if I am late one more day I will lose my job. I stopped asking. I don't want to go to family for help. I don't want the relationship the kids have with them to suffer. The depression grows deeper and more overwhelming. I must always put on a happy face to hide the anxiety that eats at me. In seven years I still can't openly tell people how I feel. I don't feel loved, but I'm fine. I don't feel wanted, but I'm fine. I am overwhelmed, but I'm fine. I am sad, but I'm fine. I'm lonely, but I'm fine. I feel isolated, but I'm fine. I'm fine.

[susanv1994]

It is so sad to hear how your husband has treated you. YOU AND YOUR BOYS DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!!! YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL CREATIONS AND DESERVE BETTER.

He has not treated you as someone he cherishes. This is not love. He has tried to control you and when that didn't work, he has shown his true self. It is the worst type of abuse because the scares are going to be with you and the children for some time now. You said he comes and goes as he pleases, that is not right. If he really wanted to be a dad, he would commit to a schedule. He would consistently pick them up from school or had time with them. If he wanted to be a husband, he would have helped you get the help that you need. You and your boys both deserve someone that is willing to be family, not just that guy that comes around sometimes, when he feels like it.

Does he help you with the bills?

Can you afford an attorney? If not perhaps you might go to legal aid and find out about how you can get a divorce due to abandonment and abuse. Your employer might have a program to that will assist you. Ask about EAP. It might help with legal problems or counseling. EAP is generally confidential and you only need to tell your employer what type of help you need not why.

After that is done, then perhaps you might want to consider family counseling (you and the boys)

[Unlucky7 in reply to susanv1994]

I think my post makes him sound worse than he is. He tries to spend as much time as he can with the boys. They are teenagers and they make it very hard. In his way he tries to spend time with me. It isn't as comfortable as it once was. There is always a strained feeling to every encounter. He supports us financially. The boys and I are able to keep living in our home. It's more fiscally responsible to stay married at least until both boys are over 18. It's just heartbreaking to know that someone wants to be a part of your life but not really. It's heartbreaking to watch someone you thought loved you and would always be there to walk out of the house night after night. You would think after seven years that it wouldn't hurt still to crawl into bed by myself. That I would be used to it by now. I know that there are things that he does that are not right. I have a vague idea where he lives. He doesn't think it would be good for me to see where it is. That it would make me more unstable. That he needs a place where he can go that is his to retreat to. To get away from the drama at the house. You know it took seven years to realize I am not afforded the same. That I have no place that is just mine. It's the trust. I asked once if he would ever come back and was told that there was no guarantee that things wouldn't fall apart again and he couldn't afford to have to find somewhere to live again. We have known each other for 19 years. I don't love him like I did in the beginning. If I am being honest there are some days I don't even like him. He says he loves me, he may in his own way. Just not enough. It will be 5 more years until the youngest comes of age. Every year I think that this year I need to better myself. Improve my health. Do something for me. I know I have gone way off in left field with this reply. Once I started typing it's what came out. Thank you for your response. You're right that we are not being treated as we should. You're right that we deserve better, even my husband. But we are all too afraid to do anything different.

[Hidden in reply to Unlucky7]

Fear is a bitch. I feel like I am missing out on some important life moments/possibilities because of fear. That being said, I wanted to share something I have recently learned...we are not responsible for another person’s happiness. I have been feeling so guilty about being ill (more acutely in the last month) and being a “bummer” for my husband (not wanting to go anywhere, etc. ). I had to be reminded that I am not in charge of his happiness, or is he in charge of mine. We have to show ourselves a little grace! We are struggling to manage our own situations and OMG, why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to make sure everyone else around us is okay??!?!? I think a major part of healing is getting comfortable with the fact that we are loveable and worthy JUST AS WE ARE...even on the crappiest of days. Guilt is using too much of the precious energy we need to heal. [steps off soapbox].

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

That is so true x

[Justbreathe1 in reply to Hidden]

I agree I find myself feeling guilty as well about how I feel or when my illness is always there. But you’re right! We need to accept ourselves without shame.

[susanv1994 in reply to Unlucky7]

Have you considered family therapy? Because the way things are is not healthy for anyone. Keeping things as they are can't be easy for you, your boys, or him. I hope that you can find the ability to fix the problem.

[Hidden]

I am learning that it is so absolutely necessary to find support through this. It is not doing you any favors to put on a brave face. I hope you can find even one person to lean on for support. It does not make you weak. It makes you HUMAN. I am glad you are posting here. I joined because I feel like I’m wearing out all of my support system with all my doom and gloom (so, I guess I do get what you are saying about the lie of “I’m fine.”)

[Unlucky7 in reply to Hidden]

I think I have reverted back to "I'm Fine" due to the same feeling, that I am a broken record, with the same sob story being told over and over and over with what appears to be no end in sight. When they look at you and you can see in their face that they don't understand why you just don't do something about it. Do something different. Change the situation. I don't seem to have the backbone to stand up for myself. I don't like people being angry with me, so it's easier to just brush my thoughts and feelings aside so I'm not interfering or disturbing someone else's day. It's always right there on the tip of my tongue but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. I just smile and say "nevermind" or "it's nothing". It took me a week to decide to find a post where I can just let it all out anonymously. Knowing that I'm telling someone, even if I don't know who that someone is. That maybe this is the step I need to build the courage to open my mouth and tell those around me how I feel and not feel ashamed. I don't want to go back to counseling. It was never helpful to know that I am wasting money having someone listen to me and give me ideas on how to improve my situation that I was never going to be able to do. I think how could it possibly be any worse than it already is, but it could, so I don't do anything to rock the boat.

[Hidden in reply to Unlucky7]

Maybe it’s time to rock that boat! If it couldn’t get any worse, then maybe changing up a few things (start small!) will actually make it better (or at least won’t make it worse). I always remind myself that it feels good to be there for someone struggling. So, why should I deny someone else that joy when I am the one that needs the help? That being said, I really do get those feelings of not wanting to burden someone else. I am lucky enough to have several people I can confide in, so I am careful to “spread it around” and not lean on any one person too much.

[Unlucky7 in reply to Hidden]

Consider these posts my first "Baby Step" into opening up about how I feel. Maybe if I can unburden myself anonymously, then at some point I will be able to sit down and tell someone I know what's going on.

[Hidden in reply to Unlucky7]

Absolutely! You are BRAVE and did something huge to get yourself on a healing path! Hurrah!

[hypercat54]

The problem with hiding how you feel and burying painful emotions just doesn't work as you are now finding out. The boxes you keep them in always start leaking poisoning your present and future, and believe me I speak from experience. They are holding you back and preventing you from moving on.

Well done for coming in here and telling us (they say it's often easier to offload to strangers) as that took courage. Come in as much as you want and practise unloading and it will get easier. We are always here to listen and to support. x

[explorerPHX]

you are so right about the "i'm fine" lie we tell, hiding and burying how we truly are doing and how we truly feel. i agree with hypercat54, that those feelings we bury never stay buried.