Went out for the first time in 2 weeks. I actually left my house AND my car and felt fine. I even got dressed up and wore jewellery and makeup ! I haven't done that since 17th March. It felt good.
Though to be honest, in between my anxiety came back. I don't know why I kept reminding myself of it by going "hah see ? You're okay you're okay" and then my brain just somehow twisted everything and made me think of my anxiety and what ifs. And then I got depressed again thinking : "is this how I'll have to live from now on ?"
I mean, I've had anxiety before and it always goes away but the process is so long and weary and every time it comes back I get a little more tired. And normal things I used to do or think bother me and trigger me.
Although, truthfully for a few moment I really was OKAY and I'm glad about that bcs I thought I'd never be okay. I still want to leave. But now I have hope that once I'm home I might feel better. I hope I do. I don't want to live like this forever. I want the thoughts in my head to stop.
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DistressedPoe
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Thank youuu ❤️❤️ I'm slowly trying to relax and chill. And get the hang of this whole situation. I just need to calm down and realise it's okay if I'm not perfect and it's okay if there's certain things I don't wanna do because I don't have to do them. My anxiety shouldn't make me feel like I NEED to do something especially if it's at odds with who I am. I know this. But it's still hard to convince myself. Sigh. I know it'll take time.
I'll be okay. Hopefully. I'll be okay. I really want to be. Though...just now, I really did think "it feels a lot easier to just want to die than to live like this or live through the possibilities my mind keeps throwing at me". Sigh...
We all have so many experiences in common. I'm doing laundry and feeling off balance and a little distraught and thinking, "God, I miss feeling normal." Then I just think of this period as a period of transition. That eases the worry of it a bit.
I think sometimes we just are stuck in uncomfortable situations. And I suppose our brains get too tired bcs they're not exactly like the average normal human brain.
And I guess we're more prone to worrying over unnecessary things and being uncomfortable.
Idk about you but mine runs in the family. I guess it has to do with genetics. My uncle's schizophrenic. Aunt's hysteric. Dad's grandma had a lot of issues too. Bro has anxiety as well. I guess. All of us have our battles. We just gotta know how to persevere and keep moving forward. Being strong and staying optimistic that there will be good days, weeks, even months !
For me there was always a time i didn't get anxiety for a few months. Felt great really.
Sometimes the anxiety feels new and makes you wonder if it's real this time. But then I remember how real every previous issue felt too. And it calms me. To know that I overcame those. So I'll overcome this too. And feel better about myself. This is hard but 3 weeks ago I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop shaking. And I'd be afraid to sit alone, constantly clinging to my brothers for comfort. Following them around everywhere.
Now I can sit alone. It's still not gone but... at least I'm panicking less. Slowly this worry and what if thought will disappear. And I won't even think of it for some time.
My mother had anxiety. Her father had anxiety. My father's mother had 'spells' - probably anxiety. My father has been drunk most of his life so he had something that he was running from. So yes, the tendencies do run in families I think. I hope you're having a decent day, DP!
Sigh...it's hard. But pulling through !! 💪🏻💪🏻 I just. I know anxiety will always be there. But I just want to be back to normal again. I've made so much progress. I don't want to feel like I'm back at square one.
Yes so far the day is going okay. I'm working on a present for a friend. Been typing different poems to compile (my friends loves poetry). I'm thinking of getting printed into a special book. A special compilation of poems I think he'd like.
After that I need to write a letter and find some nice pictures to print out for my other friend's birthday. She's in a similar situation as me, at a new place with no friends. She thinks nobody's gonna care about her birthday lol gotta prove her wrong !
I'm on a mission to make my friends feel less sad and stressed AHAHAHAH.
Actually yes! I did some knitting (yes, I'm a dude who knits) and visited some folks. Then I went for some acupuncture and now I'm stepping out for a chair massage. Not bad! I think your day sounds fab.
Nothing really happened. It’s my insecurity about my relationship. That insecurity might be a worse problem than any other actual problem in the relationship.
Ahahahha damn, we all get this way. It's okay. Relax. With time, you'll realise that you are doing just fine. Just continue being you. The good parts and try and make your relationship stronger.
DistressedPoe, you measure your progress not by leaving your comfort zone when you have a good day (that's easy) but by leaving your home when you're feeling agoraphobic.
You should experience the bad feelings and agree to utterly accept them for the time being and then open your front door and head for the park/coffee shop/supermarket/ candy store.
The bad feelings will come sure enough. Let them come and accept them for the moment. Accept them completely.
Agoraphobia is your mind trying to help you but failing miserably: it senses your anxiety so believes you are in danger so it makes you want to stay home where the dinosaurs can't get you.
Leave home and let the bad feelings come and do not fight them. Accept them for the moment. To recover you have to pass through panic not round it or avoid it altogether.
It won't be pleasant but so what? Is your head going to drop off? Of course it's not. And your legs may start to feel wibbly-wobbly, "Oh I must rush home before My legs collapse". No you musn't, just keep walking, jelly legs will still carry you there and back, they always do.
Just keep walking, you feel anxiety rising, just accept it calmly and keep going. Do not add second fear to the flash of first fear when it comes. Accept, accept, accept all the bad feelings and fake fears.
Do that enough times and by accepting rather than fighting you give your oversensitised nervous system a break. You stop drenchng your nerves with fear and stress hormones. Left to itself your nervous system will recover. Because unpleasant though anxiety is YOU FELT NO FEAR.
So do the hard thing. Take a walk when you're feeling anxious along the Yellow Brick Road to recovery. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one short step.
O.K., DistressedPoe, glad we've got that sorted. Acceptance. Off you go then.
Congratulations! I know your outing didn't go perfectly but, it happened. And It's really an awesome and beautiful thing!
I've gotta say, it's still so wild for me to see what feels like my own thoughts/experiences written out so clearly. I have the exact same problem where, even just reminding myself that I'm alright makes me... No longer alright, lol. It's damn near unbearable but look at you, bearing it anyway!
Lmao really ? I wouldn't say my love for literature if mutually exclusive with my mental health 😂😂😂 if anything, it keeps me sane and keeps my anxiety at bay. I don't know where I'd be without my books, poems and music.
Ha no, of course not. I just mean that people with mental health issues generally seem drawn to great literature. Really to the arts in general I guess.
But definitely agreed, don't know where I'd be without those outlets either.
And so, I work for a company that publishes romance ebooks😬😬
Which, if I'm being honest (and why not, lol) is literally my least favorite genre in the world😂 BUT, it's a job in writing at least.
Ah I guess. Arts have a calming vibe to them, maybe that's why.
And wow. At least you're writing ! Why not publish your own book ? (Heh sorry if it's harder than it sounds I'm now very aware of how it works yet).
I like romance novels but not as much as mystery and crime ones. Romance is good once in a while though I do prefer studying Shakespeare's tragedy romances for that AHAHHAHA and romantic poetry is God's gift to the world :')
Haha so, I should be more clear. Calling the stuff my company publishes "romance" is technically correct but also super generous. A more fitting description would be... Smut. 😂😂
That being said, I'm not super averse to legitimate romance, but I prefer love stories to be a part of a bigger, more interesting plot rather than the whole damn story, lol.
The genres that I love though are fantasy and horror. And I'm definitely trying to get working on my own stuff but self publishing is a PAIN. LOL
Like, the more I look into it, the more confused I get. It's super freaking involved.
Totally with you on tragedies and romantic poetry though. I'm utterly obsessed with romantic poetry.
Do you know of Rudy Francisco? He has some poems along those lines that totally blow my mind.
Oof I didn't ! I was looking for more poets to read !! Recommend me any more you can ! Damn, thank God I met you AHAHHAHAH
And wow, is it really a pain ? I thought it would be easy. But lol maybe that's bcs the only time I heard of publishing was when my friend got called by a company bcs they saw his work online and wanted to publish his book 😂😂 he declined though, poor boy wasn't ready for that kind of exposure.
And damn ahahhaa I get it. I mean, smut can be fun to read..but I guess writing it would be hard lmao
You are braver than the Marines 😔✊🏻
And yeah romance is nice when there is a bigger plot. I suppose from time to time I like to unwind with a cute teenager targeted novel about love and serendipity but in general I do like more depth within the plot. Like twelfth night by Shakespeare. It's light-hearted comedy but if you dig deeper, there's a lot to uncover. From unusual opinions on love and how it isn't valued by many; which resonates with society today, to avarice, greed and of course, the unfair patriarchal views of men > women which exist even today in the minds of some old folks (and even young).
All of that highlighted under a comedy. It really impresses me.
Kind of like how the writers of Brooklyn nine-nine impress me by adding equal elements of comedy and the main purpose of the show that is NEVER overshadowed by the love lives of the characters and how they subtly handle sensitive topics without making the plot totally center around them (Holt's homosexuality not being the basis of who he is but rather just a normal trait and his oppression addressed from time to time without taking away the spotlight from who he is and his story. I love that). Lmao am I talking too much ? I'm sorry 😅
Ooh yes, Rudy Francisco is AMAZING. You definitely have to check him out. He has a collection titled "Helium", it's fantastic. But he also performs his work alot and he's crazy good live. If you get a moment look up "Rudy Francisco: Chameleon" on YouTube. I think you'll like it. Another great one (both live and on paper) is Neil Heilborn. He has a lot of issues with mental illness and just writes so beautifully. About all kinds of stuff, love included.
Ha but yeah, you can probably tell I'm a bit of a talker as well😂 So don't worry about rambling in conversations with me!
Also, yeah. Writing smut is DRAINING. Just freaking endless amounts of sex scenes and very little substance. Worse yet, whenever you try to add any substance it gets shot down, lol.
I guess that self publishing in and of itself isn't exactly difficult though. More just everything that goes along with it. There's the choice of sales market, cuz some demand exclusivity, so it's a big choice, then there's advertising, facebook, Amazon, etc, and they all cost money. There's the cover, trying to find reliable artists, you get the idea. And at the end of the day, you can follow all the best advice and still fail when it comes to sales. I guess I'm just really freaking intimidated by the whole process, lol.
Now whose rambling?😂😂
I will take just another moment of your time to mention though, that I also adore Brooklyn 99. Lol
Omg Neil Holborn !! Yes !! I love that dude. You watch button poetry, I assume ? His poem on OCD was so beautiful it still hits me in the heart. I love it ! And I checked out Rudy as well ! Great stuff. If you have more, lmk !! I'll definitely check out the ones you mentioned !
Ahhh yeah I understand but once you pluck up the courage, do it !! It's worth it really. Especially since you hate smut so much. I don't mind sex scenes if they're short and meant to just be about sex but some are too long with no real plotline and that sucks. Like 50 Shades ? What even is that book/movie. I didn't read it. Watched the movie though. I SWEAR I skipped through the entire movie and finished in 20 min.
It's sad that your adding substance gets shot down but I suppose that's what sells some people just don't appreciate good writings.
RIGHTTTT IM IN LOVE WITH THAT SHOW ITS SO GREAT !! I really love the way they write their scripts. I rarely see that. Another show I love is Friends !
Ha yess! Button Poetry is my shit. That's how I found Rudy Francisco! And oh my gosh though, Neil Hilborn really is just the best, isn't he? I swear I could just cry watching some of his readings❤❤
Oh dude though, 50 shades is a perfect example of the crap I'm expected to write. I mean, I haven't actually read or seen it, but I've heard enough about it to get the gist and it basically sounds Exactly like one of my companies books😂
I definitely intend to get on the self publishing thing soon though. Right now I've joined alot of groups about it and I'm trying to soak up as much knowledge as possible. It really is alot😂
Back to poetry for a second though, lol, are you actively writing? I know your name was meant to be "distressed poet".
And Friends is great, I've rewatched that show so many times. Are you a fan of The Office as well? I'm absolutely crazy about it.
Ugh damn that sounds terrible man. 50 shades was such a terrible plot but also such a terrible representation of sex and promoted so many toxic practices in relationships I don't understand how they got 3 damn movies. It's literally trash. I feel sorry for you :') I hope you get to get out of this and finally publish your own stuff you're proud of !!
And yes, I do actively write. I used to only post my writings on my twitter since 2017 but a month ago I started a blog and post a few poems there as well AND also personal writings. Though I haven't gotten all of my poetry up I'm slowly uploading them one by one.
And yes I do watch the office !! I love all these shows honestly. Big fan. Though B99 is the #1
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some people just don't appreciate good writings. 
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