Lost me ,, im hurting ,, sorry for a novel,, please dont read and be negative to me

[ILostM3]

First time writing here,, hello im 25 and umm im depressed bad,, didnt realize it until my anxiety mixed and now i dont even really leave my home. Im alone in a state with no family, my father was murdered in 06,found out after he wasnt really my dad everyone lied for so long! After that i kind of lost me and alot of negative treatment i got made sense. Few months later mom starts smokin ice meets a dude and uh i got kicked out at 14 maybe 15, since dad was dead no "family" had 2 pretend like they cared most my family were not fond of some white people, my mother was white and i was half breed, any how since then i lost me , i moved 2 idaho a week with my real sperm donor after meeting this guy fresh from prison the big secret . Moms signed custody like iwas nothing, week in i get my ass beat by this man telling me my mom gave up and im his now,, great turned out he was a 3 time felon on the run , i would get hit 4 not bringing girls home he told me he killed faggots,(i am a straight male) he was also higher then hell when he came 2 my room for beatings. Id get hit for being a half breed and when i did wrong it was the white in me that caused it . I met a woman here and had 4 children but also left everything and anything i ever knew 2 stay here, im now just hurting so much like ive had anxiety but depression came along and im fucked. Like im tired my lifes been shit and lies and i dont have any one. My kids mother and i arent well either, thats off topic but im at a point i need help im hurting . ive isolated myself going on 2 months . Im fuckin tired i need a friend or ear . im a reserved person and even more so since i magically found a way to cut the few friendships i had . Im feeling empty everyday sad but hardly cry b4 it turns into this nasty anger and pain mixed bubble. I dont see myself feeling better and i hardly have interest to attempt again ill never be good enough to make any one happy and i push people away now im so alone... any ideas of how 2 over come this i lost me and i dont know if anything will ever feel normal again

[Agora1]

ILostM3, saying I'm so sorry for all you've been through doesn't seem like enough.

I can't even start to imagine the emotional and physical pain you have been through.

I understand you feeling so alone and angry. You were betrayed by people who should

have loved you and cared for you. But this doesn't mean that you can't make someone

happy. It can start with you making that change for yourself and your children. Don't

allow your parent's mistakes to ruin the rest of your life. You are young, you have time

to change. You can find yourself again with the help of a good therapist. All the hurt

you have been through needs to be addressed. You need to let go of the anger and

hurt you feel. You need to make yourself happy before you can give happiness to others.

One step at a time will take you forward. You can and will succeed. The fact that you

have survived through all you've been through proves to me you are a fighter, a warrior

and you will prove to yourself that changes can be made.

I'm glad you reached out to us. We can help support you on this life changing journey.

Believe in yourself and it will happen. I care my friend. xx

[gerg]

I am glad that you found this site. Always know that you have a place here to take care of yourself. You deserve it!

[growinrace]

cant begin to imagine all you went through. have you thought about therapy/counseling? you don't have to go through it alone. how are your kids? are they at home with you? i know when things start to go left for me, i look at them and that gives me motive to be better and not allow negativity surround me or entertain negative thoughts! those are labels and lies i do not receive. take it one day at a time. we are here for you!