My dad who is the sweetest man in the world, always friendly and helpful suffers from an alcohol addiction (since he was 16) and was recently diagnosed with severe depression. I am the only daughter and I live about an hour away. It’s really hard for me. He recently lost his wife (about a year ago) and shortly after his mother (my beloved grandma) which hit him really hard.
He has started drinking when his wife passed in 2019.. I check on him regularly but there is only so much I can do. I am exhausted. Any advice on what I can do? I pushed him three times in the last 9 months to go to rehab and he did. But this time, I said to him I not pushing him again as he shortly seemed to be drinking again after his last rehab which was about 4 weeks ago. I know he doesn’t say he does but I know he is drinking again. He is really depressed and doesn’t get out of the house. His household looks a mess. He has no social engagements and just quit his job. He It’s heartbreaking as he is such a sensitive person and good looking man for his age. He said he can’t be alone. He was always in a relationship and never alone. He didn’t drink for 30 year when he was with my mom but then she left him. Now, he has no motivation anyone whatsoever and I also want to move abroad again next year which probably doesn’t make it any easier.
Is there anything I can do or do I just have to learn to let him go (as everyone keeps saying to)? I would really appreciate your advice in this. ❤️
I have a history of drinking from time to time and it has gotten out of control a some points and I have depression among other mental illnesses. What helped me quit drinking was 1. I was ready as I wanted something better for myself and to be more attentive to my kids 2. A medication called Mirtazapine helped with the cravings. I initially took it for sleep problems but it’s also used for addiction and is an anti depressant.
I’m so so sorry you are going through this. I know it’s hard to see a loved one becoming lost. I lost my brother to suicide and he was an alcoholic among other things.
I am praying for you and your dad right now. Best to you, Ladybird
Thanks so much for being so open and sharing your story. I really appreciate it. Takes a lot of courage. Seems like you found a way of supporting yourself to get better.
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I am scared that the same thing will happen to my dad. I know it’s out of my control but it’s just very hard to live with the thought of him trying to take his own life.
He is currently taking antidepressants but the problem is when he starts drinking he doesn’t take them. In Februar he started to kill him self with an overdose of different pills (his wife used to take for her cancer before she passed away).
Every time he checks himself into the hospital to get sober he is finde. As soon as they release him to go home he usually starts again after a few weeks. Horrible is also the laying and the hallucinations. 😌
I can only encourage him to go for walk and to stay sober to he can get into a long term rehab program for depression. He refused going to a special clinic to deal with his alcohol problem (he used to lead AA meetings himself). He really seems all over the place.
I was going to say hey don’t worry I doubt it will happen to your dad what did with my brother... then I read about February... my heart goes out to you and I know the way it feels to be both frantic and sad about a loved one especially when we really need to focus on ourselves to stay stable. Try not to feel guilt; that’s just how things get sometimes. I’m here for you any time. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk about anything.
Has he been to AA and does he have a sponsor? It is a safe place to go and you can take away what is useful for you and leave the rest.
If you don’t care fir one group, try another. There is usually more than one group in an area meeting at different times.
Alanon is helpful for family members. They have lots of information for family members and provide emotional support and ways to cope.
My heart goes out to you. My son had both depression and anxiety and after several heart wrenching experience turned to alcohol. It is a nightmare that affects the whole family.
Thanks so much for your encouragement and useful tips. I am so sorry to hear about your son. How old is he and how do you deal with it?
I was thinking of going to AA meetings myself. Just to deal with it emotionally as I always I suffer from depression and anxiety but thankfully no addictions. He has a long history of drinking and relapse. He actually was leading AA groups himself but a few years a go the group was closed.
He even said to the doctor that he is done with the alcohol problem and prefers a “normal” rehab for depression. It seems like he is pushing the problems away.
Before I was born (37 years ago) he was in a rehab for alcoholics for over 6 months but now the health care system is different. Every time he admits himself to the hospital to get sober, it’s only a 7 day long treatment to get the alcohol out of his system. Getting a place in a rehab takes months and of course you have to stay sober in between.
You can’t make him get help but encouragement helps. Everyone is different. It sounds like he needs to find healthy coping skills to replace drinking. Maybe help him find a new hobby and encourage him to exercise( any physical activity helps with depression). Start simple. Go for a walk.
Some people benefit from a sponsor through a rehab program. That usually involves a close relationship with someone who has been through the same thing and succeeded in quitting the addiction.
You have to take care of yourself too. Take breaks when you need to, but you don’t have to give up on supporting your dad if you don’t want to. Do what you feel is right but take care of yourself too.
Congratulations for being so strong! That’s so amazing to hear. Sound like you made or and found your coping skills.
I can only try and encourage him to travel with me (once the COVID situation allows it again) and go for walks. He completely isolated himself. I can on him every other day but sometimes only ever week as it takes a lot of energy from me depending how he is doing. Even though he is on antidepressants he is still grieving. He is really moody when he drinks and this can be really overwhelming for me. I know I have to take care of myself as well. It’s just so hard knowing he has no one looking after him.
He used to lead AA meetings but refused to attend them. He said he he done with talking about his drinking problems but he clearly is not. It’s really hard. When he is not drinking he is such a helpful person but can’t seem to help himself out of this. I have tried and tried.
About 15 years ago when my parents got divorced I loved with him. Back then I had no idea he was drinking. It was a nightmare. Now 15 years later, he is much older and it actually is worst now because he is alone and has no wife to help him through with this.
I can only encourage him so much. It’s really hard. I want to go on with me life as well and not taking care of everyone else. 😌
My mum is a current on/off recovering alcoholic, although hasn’t got wasted for at least a week,she’s been having chemo for 10 weeks for several cancers,originally started drinking as she was not supported with me/my needs,I am severely disabled) when I got past five Years old It really hit her,she has not stopped till doctors told her it woud affect the chemo over two months ago.
I think it takes a real sharp shock to wake up to reality when you’ve been self medicating with drink for so long, my sister accepted a long time ago our mum woud be dead soon from her drinking as a way of coming to terms with it before it hits, as only the drinker knows when they’re ready to fight.
Until then, I do things like supporting my mum and listening to her and how she feels,I used to go to ACA/ACOA meetings (adult child of alcoholics) I find these better than al anon, but the best you can do for yourself judging from my own experience is to accept it’s not your problem,it’s never your fault,and you shoud maybe distance yourself if it makes you feel terrible every time you visit,like stick to phone calls,zoom etc.
Some people will never accept there is a life outside of self medicating ,and I do sympathise as they spend so long living like this it becomes the only way they know.
My mum will only speak to me out of the entire family as I’m the only one who accepts her for who she is, and I leave it up to her for if,or when she wants to stop.
In the UK the social services won’t even get involved and do a visit to the alcoholic person even when there is a very high risk to themselves causing fire or harming themselves,as it’s considered to be done through choice and not a toxic mental illness.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. That’s really tough. It must be a really difficult situation for you. My heart goes out to you. ❤️
I was thinking king about of going to the ACOA meeting myself and looked some up. I think reaching out here and these meetings will help me to get through this difficult time. I feel so depressed myself lately. I am always exhausted or burned out especially when it comes to care for family members. I am so scared sometimes as I want to start a life on my own and move abroad again. I deserve to be happy too. So do you.
I used to live in the UK and Ireland before moving back to Germany. Although our health care system is really good here I am scared to move abroad again. What if my depression and anxiety don’t go away?! On the other hand, I was never happy here and I deeply miss living by the sea. That would normale my go to place. But with all these travel restrictions it’s hard to do that at the moment 😌. Are you based in the UK? I used to live in Brighton and then moved to Devon which was really peaceful and beautiful. I really miss it! 🥰
I speak as a recovered alcoholic, sober for 17 years, also with a husband and brother who are recovered addicts.
Usually something has to happen to quit drinking, something that makes you feel so bad that you take that first step. I went to an addiction center for 3 months, after that went to therapy 5 days a week for over a year and gradually went to therapy less and less.
I still keep in contact with my sponsors and go to therapy once in a while. Addiction is an illness for life, like being a diabetic.
Anyway in the center where I went they used to do a thing called "hard love" (or something to that effect, sorry I'm Spanish so I'm translating) which means that you cut them out of your life to shock them in to getting help, it's very hard to do, but sometimes when the person you love is slowly killing themselves it's the only way to go.
I would personally find help from someone who works in addictions to guide you through what you need to do because if not we can feel powerless.
Best of luck and if you need to ask me anything don't hesitate to get in touch x
He doesn’t even want to go to see a therapist or go to rehab. He refuses everything. It feels like he has given up on life and himself. 😢
Can you do both? Or a combo of easing up and only push him on Tuesdays for example?
My mother was an alcoholic. She has found a religion she likes and doesn't do it very much at all anymore. I learned not to share any alcohol with her because she can not handle 1 drink. She just keeps drinking once she starts. So maybe you could just not enable and not push. Just a suggestion. You could call some missionaries over there maybe. Good luck.
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Thanks for much. I definitely learned not to push him anyone. Just called him today. He is in a really bad shape. I can sense and hear it over the phone. So I will visit him tomorrow and so some grocery shopping for him. He lost so much weight and is barely eating anything. I am just being kind and offer him my help if he needs anything. He needs to want to be better but I have a very strong feeling he doesn’t . I can only hope and pray for a miracle. 😌 It’s devastating as I prepare for the worst. There is only so much a body and soul can take. He really seems like a broken man. It’s heartbreaking 😢.
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Maybe you could make him some organic celery or cucumber juice which might help him. I am not a doctor.
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Good idea but he refused anything healthy. He is very old school when it comes to his food choices. In fact, when I was taking down the bin bags the other day, I was shocked that he only eats like microwave type of foods as there are quick to prepare. He doesn’t even have an appetite at the moment. I think there might be something else going on, as some of his blood work showed an infection a few weeks ago. He didn’t even want to do a follow up. It seems like he has really given up 🙄. As I am also very intuitive, I am expecting the worst to happen to be really honest.
Hi and thank you for sharing your story. Congratulations on your soberiety. That is amazing!
Maybe we moving next year and leaving the country gives him then something to think about (or not)y it really hard to predict. What I have learned in this journey is that there are no predictions and I can force or help someone to be better if deep down he doesn’t want to be better. I am just worried as he tried to take his own life in February with a pill overdose. I know deep down I should just let him go but there are currently some things I have to deal with as I am trying to sell his moms (my grandmas house) which makes me kind tied in. He doesn’t really care about any of it, nor did he visit his moms grave since he died.
I will probably consider getting some help and go to a AA meeting. They can advise me what to do. My doctors and psychologist keep telling me to keep my distance for my sake. It weighs hard on me emotionally and physically. My stress levels are high and I have trouble sleeping for months.
It’s like you said, unless a big shake or something that scares him happens he probably won’t change 😌.
Thank you for your insight and kind words. I really appreciate it.
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Oh. You're so nice. I wish I could make it better for you. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you. I am glad I joined this community. It’s helpful to share this journey with someone as it’s really hard for others to understand what I am going through and dealing with right now. 😢❤️
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