Harming is my drug. I take it daily.

[dont_kill_katie]

Harming myself is my drug. I’m addicted to it.

For two and a half years I never had one night without harming myself in some type of way. Cutting is the main way though. I stopped for a few months with only a few rough nights. Then I stopped promising myself I wouldn’t fall back into that pattern but I did and now I don’t think I can stop.

I wore bare sleeves one time because I was boiling I only had scares on my arms at that point and all I got was “attention seeker”.

I noticed it was bad and thought FUCK WHAT AM I DOING when I had run out of space and had to move onto my rib cage and stomach. It really does god dam hurt to keep going like this.

I remember one time I ran down stairs with blood dripping down my arm there was one cut I had cut a bit too deep. My dad knew I cut so I told him and asked for help. My neighbor is a doctor and helped me. We never spoke about it again. The pain and shock in his face was too much.

I’m scared to look at my arms legs ankles rib cage.

I know it’s not worth it and i know that it causes me pain but honestly when I actually have the blade in my hand and I’m sitting there crying thinking about everything I don’t care about the aftermath I just need to do it. It’s an urge and a rush.

[Kat63]

I’d really like to see you work with a therapist. Also, a doctor or psychiatrist might be able to help you find some medication that would help.

[gerg]

For attention, really? Does the junkie shoot heroine for attention? That drug started as self medication and now it is an addiction. The same can be said about cutting.

I feel for you Katie. I hope that you will seek the help that you need. To break an addiction you need to change a lot of things in your life, but it is so worth it. Being “clean and sober” is an amazing gift.

[Don_in_midlands]

Hi Katie

I am so sorry to read that you are harming yourself this way. I used to self harm and so have a little understanding.

I think that you have taken a huge step to admit that this needs addressing and cannot go on. You have been through so much in your life, that you deserve some ‘good times’ - days where you can smile, or even laugh.... you DESERVE to be happy. What other people have done to you is horrible and should be punished. But I can see why you haven’t spoken to people about what’s happened, especially because of the reaction from the first ‘incident’. How cruel and vile those people were to say those things to you!!

Do you feel that you could talk to a therapist? If you google ‘IAPT’ you may be able to self-refer and not see your GP if you have this service in your area - that’s what I did anyway.

Even just reaching out on this forum is a huge step & you should feel proud that you have come this far already. Please keep pushing to try to get some resolution to this... as I say, you deserve to have some light in your life. My therapist began by making me write a list of things I am grateful for - I have 2 cats who are my world, I enjoy morning birdsong - those kinds of things. I don’t know if that would help you at all, but thought I might as well mention it. Above all, you are worth the fight - you are worth looking after & worth getting help.

I wish you so much luck and happiness for the future - for today, tomorrow and every day after!!

Don xx

[dont_kill_katie in reply to Don_in_midlands]

ye thank u i have tried three different therapists nothing helps. I'm thinking about taking medication now.

[jasmineclaire]

I’m addicted too. Once the blood trips my tears stop and I feel right again. I’ve worked really hard the last few years to stop. I’ve had slip ups here and there and each time feels like a relapse. I’ve tried other coping skills when I have the urge to cut. Holding an ice cube tight in my hand until it melts. Writing. Music so loud in my headphones I can’t think. Running. Have you tried other coping skills? I recommend the ice cube thing. Might sounds strange but there’s a release that comes with the pain of the ice cube actually melting in your hand, for me it’s the closest I can get to the blood from a cut. Try it