....

[tppppppp]

Been seeing a therapist 10 times now. Saw another one before that 10 times or so. Been to couples counseling 4-5 times. Tries 5-6 different types of meds. Did 4 sessions of hypnotherapy. Had a suicidal cluster of half assed attempts. Been on some sort of sleeping medicine for 7 months. Fight with my wife constantly. My kids ate starting to act up more. Almost spent a night at a crisis center. I basically just hide it now. I just learn to pretend to be happy now. Kinda resigning myself to the fact that this is my life now. This move was supposed to make things better. But it's destroyed my life. The only motivation I have to live is that they don't collect life insurance or can't get health coverage if im gone. And if I do something everyone will think I'm a pussy for giving up. I have everything you could all want or need. I have no reason to be this bad. Yet here I am

[JAYnLA]

Funny, TP - my symptoms took off right at a time in life when I pretty much had the external things taken care of. It was so baffling because I was used to obvious things setting me off - but this was just something deep coming up in a time when the external stressors didn't seem so intense. I relate. Therapy is helping me.... I hope it's helping you too, even if just a little. Thinking of you, stranger.

[tppppppp in reply to JAYnLA]

Mine was external that I internalized.

[Hidden]

I’m sorry you’re experiencing feelings to the point of resigning yourself to I guess “it is what it is”. If you don’t mind me asking, you referred to all you have tried in past tense verbs; is there anything you are currently doing or taking?

You sound very much like a friend of mine who has resigned himself to the way things are is the way they will remain. I can tell you like I tell him and say that it won’t get better if you give up. I say that but I also know that when you can list a laundry load of therapies, medications, coping skills, etc. that it is indeed “normal” to feel defeated and get to the point where you think there is no point.

Is there anything that you (only you) enjoy, want for yourself, would like to do again, anything that you would wave a magic wand and have it happen? What do you want for you, other than the obvious which is probably of course, to feel better?

[tppppppp in reply to Hidden]

To move back. And I can't. So....stuck.

[tppppppp in reply to Hidden]

Remeron and busiperone. Cbt/therapy twice a week for a hour.

[tppppppp]

Forgot to mention I went to a support group also. I'm just going to live for others now. Not for me. 'Tis what it 'tis.

[Sad_Sausan]

You're human. There doesn't have to be a "legitimate" reason to feel the way you do.

At the end of the day... you still feel it.

[Kat63]

I wish I could say something useful here. I’ve been in that place before where I feel stuck....like things are bad and they will never get any better. I know intellectually that everything changes....but it can be hard to believe it when nothing in your life is the way you want it to be.

All I can say is, try to find just one thing to be grateful for every day. Even something tiny, like good weather. It helps me to actively *look* for something good. Even though I’m an aging woman, who has messed up all my life, and I’m going through a time of severe anxiety right now.

[rothko]

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. It is clear that you care a lot about your family by living for them. That is very admirable.

I feel very similar to you that I have a lot. I’m grateful for a lot. And yet why do we still feel this bad? It takes so much mental energy either way. For me sometimes it’s just about finding something small to focus on and appreciate because the world and life overall can be so overwhelming.

Is there anything small that you can do for yourself? Even if it’s just an hour. Getting yourself a yummy favorite snack. Watching a tv show. What are some of the things that brought you joy before?

I often think about how much better my life was before and I get really sad. But then on occasion, there’s a moment where I am reminded of how the future is truly unknown and how just like life could get worse, life could change tomorrow for the better. Sending you positive thoughts and wishes.

[Agora1]

My friend, you say you have everything we could all want or need but it doesn't seem

to be enough for you. That isn't that uncommon as you think. Perfect doesn't equal

Happiness unless that gapping hole of what is missing in our lives is filled.

You may think that you are doing all the right things but unless you are 100% invested

in those methods, it will not happen. I've never really understood your move unless I

missed a post along the way. It seems to have had a negative impact on your life that

is making you spiral down in a deep depression.

I'm not a psychologist or doctor but I don't think I'd have to be because it's so clear that the

move you made and the fact that you can't go back is behind your hopelessness. You sound

so lost and when we're lost we lash out at those closest to us. When we feel trapped in a situation

around us, it takes more time in therapy to gain the answer we are looking for. Realistically you

know that giving up is not an option for you or your family. But yet, you don't want to live your life

putting on a "happy face" that is sad underneath.

Continue talking with your friends on the forum. At least you are venting to others who understand and

may able to relate to your pain. I'm glad you are a part of this group. So "here you are" but know you

are not alone. We are right here as well. x