Napalm nightmares & re-living Vietnam

[dawyogi1]

I woke up screaming last night! In my dreams I relived being bayoneted in my color bone. I relive the look on the VC's face as my bayonet sliced across his stomach pouring his entrails out, then smashing his brains out with the butt of my rifle. I hate what the army made of me, at times when in Tiger land, having to seek out specific VC officers to assassinate! I was not born to kill another human bean, but they turned me into a Government assassin.

Many times I have reoccurring dreams of napalm being dropped too close to us, watching my buddy running covered in flames as I had to trip him so I could rip his napalm covered clothes off him, giving myself third degree burns on my hands. He died before we could air vac him out. The fly boys were given the wrong co-ordinance he was killed by our guys. As a sniper you would think third degree burns on your hands enough to get you sent state side; wrong! One month medical leave and back I went strait to Tiger land with orders to waste another VC officer.

It has been over 58 years now and I relive the war every night, I have been given Prazosin to take at night to stop the nightmares, it worked for a while but now I don't seem to get any relief. I'm working on my 2nd novel and that helps get me out of myself and into the characters in my book. Many nights I don't sleep, just write and develop characters, watching them take life in my mind, laughing with them, crying with them, loving with them, and dying with them with them. I'm 72 now and plan to live until 100, so I guess I've got a lot of living to do and with the help of my therapist I think I'll make it.

PS; I hate the smell of napalm in the morning. For now Keep on living and loving, long live and prosper

Dave

[Marshall64]

Dave, I'm sorry that you are reliving some painful experiences. I can't imagine what it is like for you. It is good (I think) that you are able to talk about it. I know a few Vietnam vets who won't talk about their experience including my uncle. Bottling things inside keeps us sick (for a lack of a better word). You have people here who are here for you.

[Jeff1943]

You did what you were taught to do, what you were taught was the right thing to do. Holding the line against Communism. In the end the Communists ended it for us.

War is a crime against the people of all nations but do we stand by with our hands in our pockets when true enemies turn up? War is awful, you have given us a rare glimpse of just how awful. Not like war movies from the 1950s and 1960s.

Don't judge yourself too harshly. Anything you regret must be balanced against the good things you have done in your life. Remember those things too.

Through your writing you can exorcise some of the terrors you experienced maybe. You'll probably fill a library by the time you're 100. The pen is a mighty sword.

[dogginess]

I feel a great deal of compassion for you having to have gone to Vietnam and experience that which is beyond hell. I lived through that time in history. War is insane. There is something inherently wrong in my opinion that humans kill each other because governments force them to. Who ever heard of other speices killing eachother ? As it is said in the Quaker tradition, I am holding you in the Light.