I need to help my wife: My wife is... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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I need to help my wife


My wife is dealing with anxiety and it is getting worse and worse. It often comes up in when car's are involved. It is starting to impact our lives and relationships. She does acknowledge that she has anxiety but is not open to trying to make things better. She is clear however that I make things worse. I have been trying to help her open up to the idea of seeking out some for of help like therapy. I don't use words like crazy and I try not to minimize what she is feeling. I never tell her to "just get over it" or anything like that. Still I am not a help and I ruin things for her by not getting it right. The reading I have done has not been helpful. I have not been able to get it right and when ever she gets anxious I always end up doing or saying the wrong thing. If I don't get it right I ruin her day. If there is anyone who has any tools for being helpful to someone dealing with anxiety please let me know. If anyone knows of any resources I can use please let me know. There are no support groups in my area.

13 Replies

I think your thinking in regards to your wife's anxiety is correct-therapy. If you can get a good therapist, it would help you and your wife tremendously. There are all kinds of therapist that treat anxiety. Find one that works for you. If you find out one that doesn't work, find another. Last year, I went to several anxiety therapist. This year I'm so much better because of it.

I suggest that she see her doctor and describe her symptoms to him/her. The doctor can refer her to a therapist or psychiatrist in the area to begin treatment. That's the important first step.

People who never had depression or anxiety will NEVER understand what's going on inside the head of a sufferer. I respect your efforts to help her and not belittle her with "just get over it" nonsense. As long as she knows that you're there for her, her recovery will be that much quicker and easier.

Also, here is an article from a website that can be very helpful to both you and your wife:


If she won’t go to a doctor or do therapy - I suggest that you get counseling for yourself. You can’t force her to get help, but I know trying to help her must be draining for you.

This is her issue not yours, you can not fix anything here, the best way is to write down everything your feeling and allow her to read it, explain to her that you wish to help her, you can direct her to therapy (on line or real life) Try to remain as silent and supportive as possible. Hope this helps :)

Maxyz3 in reply to Walkathon

I disagree with your saying "this is her issue and you can't fix anything here". If it weren't for my husband I would have never have gotten out of my anxiety state. My husband doesn't communicate well (wish he did) he didn't know what to say to me. but just him being around me and taking me out for rides to get out of my head helped me . Also taking B vitamins , B12 and B6 are most important for recovery.

As for you being there for her it's difficult for you to know what she needs when an anxiety episode is occurring. Maybe just take her hand and reassure her that whatever she needs from you she only need ask. Good luck.

Yes, well said here.

Just be quiet, be supportive! She'll come around, offer hot tea.

You are in a difficult situation, on one hand I see nothing that you are doing as "wrong", on the other hand, you can't let yourself become her whipping boy. It is one thing to be supportive, it another thing to be taken advantage of. Also, denying you have a right to your thoughts and feelings isn't good. There is a website called DBSA (depression Bipolar support alliance) it is free online support groups. It also has support groups for family members of people with depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.... She can go to the online support groups, but you can go to them too and talk with people who are in the same situation as you. One thing is clear, without therapy she cannot get better, and you cannot shield her from her anxiety condition or be responsible for it. Everyone has a breaking point and although being supportive is great, make sure it is not at the expense of your own feelings. Transferring fear or anger onto people we love is unfortunately, normal in this field. Be aware of that. I wish you luck.

Maxyz3 in reply to dore13

I disagree with your saying only therapy will help her ! I found therapy did not help me! I got worse! If the therapist has never experienced anxiety then they don't understand it and can't help anyone with anxiety. I helped myself by changing the negative thinking to positive and most important I stopped worrying! Took vitamins mainly B12 and B6 which helped heal my nerves.

Hello Nilocmirror - I am a version or was a version of your wife. Heart pounding anxiety and very nervous regarding driving and even being in a car due to a serious accident. My husband also didn't have a good grasp on what to do. I think being honest goes a long way. I wish my husband would have said this: "I see you are struggling. I want to be helpful but I don't know what to do." I have a therapist and a psychiatrist but in the end a Bach Flower remedy stopped the anxiety. Be open to options; you don't know until you try what might work.

Of course therapy and seeing a doctor is most important. Would she consider taking a supplement and meditation ? We have found l-theanine (200mg) to be helpful with relaxation. Also maybe the two of you could take a mindfulness meditation class together.. meditation can be really helpful. A good Lions Mane supplement might help too... its worth a try. Another supplement that people use for anxiety is Reishi. Be careful about your sources for medicinal mushrooms.. mushrooms love to hold in toxins..so you want to find someone who tests for toxins. Two sources I like are oriveda and four sigmatic. They both test for toxins and oriveda also tests for active ingredients..(I like them both and both of them have a Reishi that is really relaxing) I hope this helps. Other things to get started with are regular massages, exercise. If she drinks teas.. there are many soothing tees, consider diffusing some lavender in an aromatherapy device. (these are not heavy hitters.. but a bunch of small changes can help)

hugs and prayers!


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