Another Turn for the Worse

[Hope2457]

I have been taking care of my dad by myself for over a year now. We got through cancer last month, and have hip surgery scheduled next month. He's ended up in the ER two times in the past 4 weeks because he's an alcoholic and has been withdrawing. Today I found out his job is letting him go. I am full time employee, and wife with two demanding dogs. I am only one person and I feel like I literally cannot take much more. I am freaking out. Truthfully do not know how much more I can take.

[MISSYT12]

I feel for you!! You said it, you are one person. You are not responsible for everyone around you. If you have too much on your plate, take care of you and learn to say NO. Those two letters can be so freeing. Instead of doing everything, LET GO..... dont buy into the codependency game and instead find resources to help those you love. Cities, counties and hospitals can help you find programs for rides, shopping etc for elderly or sick. Treat yourself to a walk or cup of coffee, you deserve it. Alanon is a great support, they taught me to take care of the only thing I have control over ME!

[Hope2457 in reply to MISSYT12]

Thank you, Missy. I really mean it. These posts really do make me feel less alone. I've been transferred 6 different times to try and speak with someone at the hospital to get help for what may happen once my dad is no longer employed. I constantly get the runaround and have no clue what to do or where to turn. There's so many diff. departments and people involved in all of these different surgeries, classes, state disability, etc. that I can't get a straight answer or help from them. It's so overwhelming. If I don't continue to help him, I fear what might happen to him or where he might end up.

[adptsdhelp]

It sounds like you’re going through a lot with your father & his mistakes appear to be pushing down on ur heavily weighted shoulders. Now there is not much you can do, but reach out to other people. Maybe your husband would be willing to help shoulder some of the stress you are being put through, or some of your friends would be willing to help out. Also, you could start a GoFundMe for him & tell his story. There are also many different things for alcoholics & if his job wrongfully fired him you could even file a lawsuit you may want to speak to a lawyer. Also, just personally for yourself make sure that you just take a few mins each day to calm down & deep breaths do some things you enjoy doing to avoid letting this cycle of negativity push you further into a dark place. Negative energy feeds off of gear & your deception. The best thing taht you can do for your situation is make light hearted jokes, laugh a little even if it’s just hysterical how could this happen type of laughing, laughing is good for you & your brain chemistry. Also, everytime you feel as if it’s taking a turn for the worst remind yourself that despite how it’s weighted on you, it is not your life that is going bad it is simply his mistakes & his problems that have been weighed on you. Remember any times if there is any that he has taken care of you & shouldered your responsibility & stress. You have to be strong now that you are a grown woman. As we age, our roles are reversed and while it can be overwhelming and feel overbearing, it is what it felt as our parents brought us into the world, even if our parents never made the right choices or let their stresses turn them down the road of addiction, we have to give them credit for what they did do. Even the worst parents in the world contributed to the person you are today, parents either teach us what to do, or what not to do. Take a lesson from what he has done with himself & vow you never take that road despite how it might be genetics that you eventually turn down that road. Also, it can help to write lists of what needs to be accomplished each day so it doesn’t circulate in your brain making you feel more overwhelmed. And finally just give yourself some credit. You are a survivor sis, you have made it this far, and as far as I’m concerned I know damm well you aren’t giving up look how smart you are for reaching out for help. That’s the kind of person that can overcome big challenges like this, and that’s the beauty of all this pain & problems you overcome things you never imagined you could & you learn your strengths & weaknesses & you learn that ultimately sometimes you need some help from GoFundMe or on this app sometimes you just need some encouraging words, but you always had that power in you to find help you need to succeed. Don’t give up & keep working hard I promise someday you’ll be proud of yourself from what you have gotten through.

[Hope2457 in reply to adptsdhelp]

Thank you for this. Your words really do help. My dad has no other family other than me. Just co-workers, well now, perhaps not so much. No parents, no family other than me, no friends, no one. He lives alone. He's never acted like an adult my entire life. He literally can't take care of himself and I fear with the loss of his job that he will end up on the streets. He's been out of work since May 2018 when he was diagnosed with cancer. His employer is only legally required to keep him on payroll for up to 6 months. So with this intense and daunting surgery next month, and the new chemical dependency classes and AA, I don't know how he'll afford to be able to do any of this and get the help he so desperately needs. My husband is the bread winner of the family, though I do work full time. He is a contractor so when he misses work, we don't get paid. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is so it's just not feasible for him to help me. Which always makes matters worse. I set up a GoFundMe page a few years back when my best friend in the world, my dog Finn, needed surgery. I was crucified by friends, neighbors, everyone for the audacity of asking people for their money to help "a dog". It was one of the worst times in my life. And because we couldn't reach out goal, we had to put him down. I have yet to have recovered from this loss. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders every second of the day. I try to take each obstacle one at a time, each day at a time, but the passing days are getting harder and harder and darker and darker. I am waiting for a call from the psychiatry dept. but nothing yet. So I hear I sit, feeling helpless and lost.

[adptsdhelp]

That all sounds so devastating to have loss after losa & it all falling on your shoulders. People who crucified you for your gofundme account are not good people, people all need hemp & sometimes GoFundMe is the last option. You should focus on yourself as best you cam & try to make the best out of the situation your dog at least escaped his suffering & that is worth something. Also, does his sponsor come around a lot maybe she has more advice or other connections on people that could help. Also, some hospitals have support groups for family members of those with cancer with advice on how to deal you should speak to someone about joining one even if you can only come to one meeting you could gain a few phone numbers from one day and have some people to contact with questions and reach out to that aren’t just mere strangers like on here. Although I do love how helpful this app has been the reality is sometimes we just need other help. Now i know this is going to sound crazy but have you considered downsizing with your house with expensive taxed & payments it can be hard to shoulder lots of payments, while it may be uncomfortable and hard to do a move especially now, but if you could find a place that’s a little more cramped, but more affordable it might be better for your wellbeing. Also, maybe try to sell some extra things you don’t necessarily need around the house, i know it would be hard to find the time for that as well, but it might help with the financial situation in small ways

[Hope2457 in reply to adptsdhelp]

With the loss of my mom at 15, my dog 3 years ago, my dad's cancer diagnosis last year, hip surgery next month, and now this alcoholism, I am literally at my breaking point. My dad has been an alcoholic since I was born, but only just admitted it this past Valentine's Day. He is going to his FIRST AA meeting today, so I have yet to meet his sponsor or anyone else. I help me dad with literally everything in his life, but I refuse to be a part of the alcohol part, which is why it's taken this long for him to seek help. I don't think he'll stick to it as it is right now, so I can only imagine what he WON'T do were he to lose his benefits and any sort of pay. My husband and I rent, so we are not in a position to downsize or take my dad in. We can't move as we live in a very, very expensive area, but our home has been rented to us at a much lower cost since my in-laws know the owner, so we're not in a position to move either, we wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere else unless we moved very far away. And as things are right now, I can't be that far away from mine and my dad's hospital. Hoping that once this psychiatrist calls me back and I can have a conversation with him/her and set up some on going appointments, I can find some resources to help with all of this. I work for a school full-time, however, and this is the busiest time of the year for us, so it's very difficult to find time to be away until Spring Break in late April. I have no vacation time, PTO, sick days, nothing, as I've spend all of those hours with my dad in the hospital, and ER. Everything is a mess.