A lost little soul

[Pieces99]

Hi! I am 19 years old. I am a second year student in college. It has been two years for my depression. I have social anxiety and the normal anxiety too. I have been through the conditions like suicide, self harming, sexuality orientation confusion and anger issues. Also currently I'm experiencing a condition where my brain is not syncing properly with my mouth. Every day I try to analyze myself whether I am doing better or not. A lot people and my family ask me what is the reason behind my depression and other conditions. But honestly I have no clue, I never had a bad experience in my life. Sometimes I think maybe it's because I had been changing places in my childhood and adolescense, I became less talkative person, I have low self esteem, low confidence, depersonalisation etc etc.

I have been confused all my life from my clothes choice to career goals. I tried sharing with more and more people but I always think that they don't understand me. I used to be very empathetic and emotional but after the antidepressants I emotionally became a stone and cannot even cry when I want to relieve myself. Others tell me to stay positive, I try so hard but there always has been a negative source that turns all the light into dark. I am in a process of self hating to self loving but it's really really hard to do it.

Basically my nature has a child behavior which means that I follow what others say. Thus I ended up with a life where all of my decisions are made by my family and my opinion is either never created in my brain or it vanishes into thin air before I open my mouth. I have lots of thoughts running around here and there but when I try to open my mouth all that come out is garbage. Sometimes I wander in my world, like everyone and everything are in motion, I am aware of the environment but physically I become a statue. Honestly I love to be in that state but it affects my daily life to a certain extent. Maybe you are thinking what type of growing environment was I in? I'm in a less typical nuclear family of Indian society. Being a second child and a daughter I got immense love and attention from my family that my body and mind was habitat to the bubble around me and I didn't develop much. I don't know what is wrong with me or am I just different. I know there are many people going through anxiety and depression and sharing might help but it's not enough because there always an empty space residing in me. Most importantly I am terrible in communication skills. It's the one thing that has been limiting me to express or connect with people.

That's probably it about me.

Thank you for reading my boring post!

[HelloSongbird]

I'm also a 19-year-old college student who feels this way. I feel overwhelmingly sad all the time for no good reason and it's hard to talk about because I never know how to explain myself. I used to cry in bed a lot and sometimes my mom would find me and ask why I was crying but I would pretend not to want to talk about it because I never felt like what I was sad about was actually worth being sad about, and couldn't logically justify the way I was feeling. Somehow though, knowing that has never helped. I came here to try and figure out what was wrong, and although I still don't understand, I was really glad to read a story that was similar to mine. Thank you for sharing.

[pink318]

Hi Pieces,

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you can get the support you need by staying in this forum. Your post is not boring so keep sharing, we are here to listen.

I pray that you will stay strong in spite of all you are going through. Take care and I hope you will soon feel well. God bless.