First Timer

[Hope2457]

First time support group, first time opening up, first time speaking out. Apologies if I've found the incorrect place for this. I've been struggling with anxiety & depression since 2003 when my mom passed away. I never sought out help, I never talked about it, I never did anything but repress and ignore. Flash forward to 16 years later (next month) and I find myself in an even more difficult position where I feel I now, need to "deal with" it. I spent most of 2018 at the hospital with my dad as he was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. What I had thought to be the most challenging, emotionally and physically draining, and most anxiety-ridden journey I'd ever embark on...just got worse. Less than 1 month ago, my dad has made it to remission...and the emergency room (twice) for alcohol dependency. Unbelievable. How could such good news cause so much more pain? I can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything but practice breathing techniques and convince myself that I'm not dying with every passing panic attack. I honestly don't know how much more I can take right now and am sinking fast. I'm so overwhelmed, so lost, and so in over my head. So here I sit, my first time being vulnerable and open, and most importantly, asking for help. First timers gotta start somewhere, right?

[Raggedcliffs]

Hello Hope. Sorry you are suffering, please go to your GP and explain how you are feeling. You won't have to explain all the detail just ask for help for how your feeling. Honestly they do not judge or ask intrusive question they are there to help.The sooner you go the quicker you will feel yourself against. All on this forum have been where you are.All the best. X

[Hope2457 in reply to Raggedcliffs]

Thank you for such a supportive (and prompt!) response. I so appreciate it. A counselor will be calling sometime today to speak with me about what's going on, and what I'm looking for as far as supportive tools; whether that be just talking to someone in a safe space, through medication (which I try to avoid if at all possible), etc. I am nervous for the call, but I know it's what's best for me right now. Thanks again!

[Agora1]

Hi Hope2457, you have certainly found the right place to come for support. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. At the time, you probably felt repressing and ignoring your feelings would help you get through your grieving process. Unfortunately, we can't sweep our emotional feelings under the carpet. It will always need to be addressed so you can

let go.

Now with your father going through a serious medical issue it may be the reason for your

unresolved issues with your mom's passing escalating into panic attacks. It does sound

like you are totally overwhelmed. You must help yourself now or you will have nothing

to give your father or anyone else. We can help with support and understanding but

you do need to see a professional who can counsel you as well as give you some short

time medication to get your through if need be. Meditation is my #1 go to. Because of the position

you are in right now, that might not be enough and we need to keep you afloat x

I'm happy to Welcome you to this incredible support group and wish you well in taking

the next step. You have already taken that first big step by finding us. We're all here

for each other. You are no longer alone. xx

[Hope2457 in reply to Agora1]

Hello, Agora. THANK YOU FOR THIS. Brought me to tears. I am waiting for a call today from a counselor that wants to speak with me. It's my first time doing something like this, so naturally I am scared out of my wits, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get back to some type of normalcy. For my sake, my dad's, and my husband's. It's the least I could do for all of us. I've taken medication for my anxiety in the past, but all the ones I've tried thus far give me MORE anxiety! I've almost fainted at work once and swore off them. I am hoping this counselor can steer me toward the right medication for me, if needed. I am not big on taking anything so we shall see. My husband is a big believer in meditation. We've even considered turning our guest room into a peaceful meditation room. Problem is, try as I might, I CANNOT get there. The words, thoughts, fears all scramble through my head like a hornets nest and I can't seem to figure out how to shut it all out. I want to! Any tips you have would be most welcome! Thank you for helping me!

[Agora1 in reply to Hope2457]

Hi Hope, I like that idea of turning your guest room into a peaceful meditation room. It's all about having that respite to go to whether physically or mentally. Mentally it takes a little more effort in tuning out the world and finding a place within yourself

to find comfort and peace. BUT...with practice, it can be done. Meditation must be

a daily exercise and not just when life gets over the top. I clearly hear your struggle

in finding a way to turn off the ruminating thoughts going a mile a minute inside your

head. We all have to find what works for us best. We all respond differently to meds

as well as tools that may help.

I feel like I've done it all to get where I am today. It takes time but also willingness to

be ready in turning your life around. Medication can help also with therapy, however

medication can be a trial and error process. In the mean time, working on meditation

as well as deep breathing properly may one day be all you need (as I do) to get through

each day. You will know when you are at that point in using meditation/deep breathing

as your escape. It will start with your breathing. The long, slow exhalation breaths are

going to be the ones where you will actually feel the adrenaline reduce.. Breathing is what is going to control the Mind/Body Connection response.

I'd like to talk with you more on personal messaging. I have a meeting coming up

in a short while but will be back on site when I get home in a few hours. I would like to help you

through this as my way of paying it forward.

Continue to reach out to the forum, taking the experiences and advice of others can

help you move forward by their learning experiences. It's going to be okay. xx

[B4andafter]

Hi Hope, and give yourself a hug for reaching out. Sometimes we repress painful thoughts (such as the death of a loved one) but sooner or later, it reaches the surface and we have to acknowledge and deal with it. The recent illness of your dad likely caused you stress and when he went into remission, painful thoughts on his illness and possible loss combined with your mother may have been the trigger.

You might check out if any of the funeral homes provide grief counselling (typically it's free) for those dealing with bereavement regardless of when it happened. These are led by a qualified grief facilitator and help the group address painful memories and emotions in a safe environment. There is also a website called What's Your Grief that may help.

[Hope2457 in reply to B4andafter]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I've only really started to let my anger go within the past year or two, surrounding my mom's passing as I was only 15 years old, and had a 5 year old brother to take care of thereafter. I held onto this anger and wrongfully placed resentment over many years. I am ready to move on from that, finally. I need a lot of work now, however, to stop feeling like I need to be in control of everything in my life. The concept of me not being in control is completely lost, but I will find it! I am looking forward to being a part of this group, and finding my way back to me through other caring people such as you!