Just trying to breathe: I'm not sure... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Just trying to breathe


I'm not sure where to start here. I thought this would be easier it being anonymous and all, but that's not the case. Sharing was never a strong point in my family and affection was often saved for holidays or special occasions, so opening up is going to take time. For now I'll just say i have struggled with depression on and off for 17 years, and anxiety attacks for about 3 now. This is the worst the depression has ever been and I'm basically just lost. I've never looked to support groups or anything like that before and I'm not even sure what I'm expecting to get out of it. I just feel like I'm sinking and weights are being thrown on me, pushing me deeper into the abyss. I don't have many friends and can't really talk to my family about any of this. And I know people often suggest medication but I've tried a few different ones before and I don't want to go that route again. I know I haven't offered much info and it's hard to help someone when they don't even understand themselves what It is they're feeling, but regardless, if you took the time to read this I appreciate it. Maybe just venting will help take the pressure off my chest some so I can breathe a little easier.

Thanks again for reading this.


10 Replies

Thinking of you!

I have found when you feel like this just knowing someone has listened (or read in this case) how you are feeling makes such a difference.

I find opening up really weird and scary too- not something that comes easily to me. So even writing on here is a great step!

-Sasha- in reply to FlamingLight

It is nice knowing someone is listening. Even just a few words can make someone's day. Thank you for shining your light on me today.


FlamingLight in reply to -Sasha-

Yeah you are so right- even a few words can make a difference.

Feel free to contact me any time! Hope your day is going ok

Please trust this is not just from my own personal experiences, i joined about a month ago, i learned so much more than i did from people here, this was a blessing and im beyond thankful and grateful for knowing about this website which was by accident but now im almost certain it was a sign , i came here with severe anxiety and particularly health anxiety, i have zero support from my family eventhough at first i thought i had , people here supported me throughout my journey which still hasnt ended , i would sleep every single night worrying about not waking up , i would feel like my heart is in my throat from all the racing and fear, for months i would not think of anything but stress, i would measure bp , pulse, and just google every single thing i felt , i had migraines, pains, shortness of breath, i thought im just over ..my life was very difficult you can see some of it on my profile , i reached a point so dark last week where i just accepted my fate , however it wasnt what i thought, i learned so much valuable things like meditation, on simple habit, breathing exercises, and simply just trusting people which is so hard but once things become more true, i always thiught stress would kill me which was the reason for the fears and panic because i couldnt control stress and i thiught i would die, it was a circle i could never break alone, people assured me my fears were their old fears, they were way worse than me and got through it, i shwoed my progress and they supported me and were proud, i felt belonging and happiness, im still not at the clear yet, but i can say this was such a transformation were i never thought i would reach i learned so much about the human body and brain and the anxiety and depression , i know so much and can share with you, its soo hard to start buttrust me it seriously seriously gets better, for me i never ever ever ever thiught it will i swear, i reached rock bottom and panic attacks and hospitalization and just thought that its all over and falling apart , realize your fears are not rational the brain makes things up to feel prepared

Hi nice to meet you and welcome to the site.

Sharing was never allowed in my family either otherwise everyone would be upset so I learned to keep my deepest darkest emotions under wraps. I gradually learned to open up and know the more you do it the easier it becomes.

The beauty of a site like this is that no one will judge you and we all understand. Many of us can't speak to our families, who often don't get it, but we do - totally.

You don't mention whether you have had counselling? If not then I would go for it as it will help you deal with past issues. Also look at mindfulness as this teaches us to live in and appreciate the present. There is lots of info online about it. x

-Sasha- in reply to hypercat54


Thank you and glad to meet you as well.

It wasn't so much we weren't allowed to share our feelings, it just made everyone uncomfortable so it was best just to steer clear of it. I was hoping it would be as you say and it would be easier for me to open up to people here who understand what I'm going through and won't judge. As far as counseling goes, I haven't tried it, but like I said sharing and opening up is hard for me so I thought I'd take the first step and try opening up here first. Hopefully I can get a little more comfortable with sharing.


hypercat54 in reply to -Sasha-

Well we weren't technically not allowed but understand very well that negative emotions weren't to be shared as it would upset my mother, and heaven knows she had an awful life as it was! Or so she kept telling us. You didn't want to see my mother upset as she had a tendancy to rage out of control slamming round the house and being verbally abisive to us kids - and our dad. We would keep out of her way until she had calmed down, or rather until we had sent her favourite child in to calm her, my youngest sister.

She told us years later that she used to dread coming from school and seeing us all outside and our mother ranting and raving indoors in a fine old temper. She was the only one who seemed to calm her down but my mother said some terrible things to her as well until she did.

To this day I can't do confrontation or arguments and I am in my 60's now. It has had a long lasting and profound effect on my life, and the lives of all of us. x

I'm glad you took the brave step to come here and begin to share. You'll find support and encouragement, even if it's in just knowing you're not alone in your struggles. Do you know what may have triggered this most recent bout of depression to make it so bad? One thing that has helped me is to try and find at least one good thing in my day and write it down. Most days I try to find at least 3 and they sometimes are seemingly small and would be dumb to someone else but it was something like feeling the warmth of my coffee mug as I cupped my hands around it or watching the pretty snow fall from inside my house, sometimes it's a stranger smiling at me on the street or how excited my dog is when I get home. Anything you can think of that was good that day - it helps me to keep perspective that not everything is bad.

-Sasha- in reply to MomLeslieM

Thank you, I'm glad I made the decision to find some support. As for your question, it was my relationship that triggered the depression. It was very unhealthy for me so i very recently made the decision to end my 13 yr relationship. Unfortunately, we do live together so it won't be easy to break ties, especially since we have two kids together, but i already feel better knowing that I'm taking a step in the right direction. It's funny that you mentioned writing good things about your day down. My thing is finding quotes that I can relate to or silly jokes that make me laugh. I try to make an attempt to share them with others in hopes that I can put a smile on somebody else's face, even if it's a struggle for me at the moment. Thank you so much for your feedback.


MomLeslieM in reply to -Sasha-

Yes, it sounds like you are taking steps to make your life better. It's never easy ending a relationship, especially when its long term and there are kids involved so you will be tied to each other but, staying strong and knowing its for the best and will benefit you in the long run is good. Stay the course and keep taking those steps - one at a time!

Quotes and things that make you laugh are also great things to use to encourage you and keep you focused on the positives - so keep on going!!!

Praying things continue to move forward for you.

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