I think my long term anxiety and depression is causing paranoia?

[Fortynfedup]

PARANOIA

[TwentyOnePilots1234]

Me too, I've had depression and anxiety for 10 years, ever since my sister raped me at 7, and I always feel like people are lying or trying to kidnap me. For me its like always walking down an alleyway in Detroit with two guys in full black behind me in the middle of the night.

[Fortynfedup in reply to TwentyOnePilots1234]

Thank you for replying and sharing your experience with me. I watched physical and emotional abuse growing up and chose boyfriends and later a husband similar to what I had witnessed. Although I am now in a healthy relationship and the initial abuser is long deceased, I still feel scared, scared all the time and of everything. I over think every situation and every conversation. I no longer go out in the dark, I don't socialise, I have only one friend, who I still keep at arms length. I go over everything my colleagues say to me, I may have thought it nice during the conversation but then question their motives and sincerity, I also feel everyone's out to get me, judge me or criticize. When I am out, which is becoming rare, unless it's work, I have scenarios going on in my head of what I would do if someone was going to grab me or harm me in some way.

How unfair is it that what happened to us was not our fault, yet it sometimes, to me anyway, feels we are punished with a lifetime of anxiety, depression, paranoia and despair.

My past and perhaps my genes have left me trying desperately to put a smile on the anger and bitterness that is buried deep down within me, that not only was my childhood taken from me, but my enjoyment on my adult life.

I've just read this back to myself and it's clear I'm feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for the rant x

[Fortynfedup in reply to TwentyOnePilots1234]

My rant paints a grim picture, but I forget sometimes the good in my life and that people are mostly good. I guess we all need to try not to let our pasts define our future. We should know that we deserve better than the hand we were dealt. I wish that I had believed in myself instead of the putdowns, demanded better from my friends and loved ones when the let me down and had said no to the relationships with those who were toxic in my life. Like so many others i deserved better then but had no control or understanding of my situation. It took a long time for me to learn those lessons. TwentyOnePilots1234, you have the gift of youth on your side, demand respect, take all the help that is offered by family, friends, GP etc and give yourself fully to anything that will help you achieve a full wonderful life. Maybe if both do that the paranoia will loose control. Xx

[TwentyOnePilots1234 in reply to Fortynfedup]

I have the same thoughts and I don't go outside unless I'm forced to. All of my family was perfectly fine none of them have had depression except for my sister and I have severe trust issues and I over analyze every word said to me and I think that people are trying to get me or do something to me. I can't say that people are good because everyone I meet just shoves me into lockers. I have no idea what a GP is because I'm an idiot. when I'm walking to lunch I feel like I'm just in my underwear and everyone is staring at me. On Friday I was rejected by a girl and I had 2 anxiety attacks during the day. My parents don't know about anything. I'm too scared to tell them because I feel like they will judge me or something.

more on my trust issues... I feel like my parents are trying to poison me and I always look over my shoulder so that no one is behind me and I always walk next to the wall so there is one direction I don't have to worry about and I always ask if there is something on my face after lunch because I feel like people will judge me if I have something on my face. I'm afraid of windows because I feel like someone is behind them aiming a gun at my head so I stay in my room with two things to cover them and when I hear a noise I lock my door and put a chair in the way of it so no one can open it. I feel like someone is in the vents looking at me all the time so I put a blanket over them and when I'm trying to sleep I keep a nightlight on and I have a pocket knife in my hand. I hate my mom because she is always doing the most annoying shit ever and I always try to avoid her.

Over Christmas, I almost grabbed a knife and cut myself but I didn't. Whenever my parents come into my room I turn off my electronics and act like I was trying to sleep.

[TwentyOnePilots1234 in reply to TwentyOnePilots1234]

Oh and one more thing, someone said something rude to me and I broke their arm but I did not feel bad.

[TwentyOnePilots1234 in reply to TwentyOnePilots1234]

I read through both of those like 10 times.

[TwentyOnePilots1234 in reply to TwentyOnePilots1234]

And more... I have so much anger hidden inside of me that if someone says something rude I get really mad and almost punch them. every word my mom says makes me wanna kill her and I think I'm going to be a murder when I get older. There is this one kid in my grade that has been a dick ever since I met him. once I forgot a pencil in class and every day he is just like "do you have a pencil today?" and it doesn't seem that bad but he also bullies me in other ways. when I was in 5th grade someone bullied me verbally and I kicked him in the back of the kneecap and he tried to punch me but I dogged it. He never talked to me again.

[Fortynfedup in reply to TwentyOnePilots1234]

Oh love, you sound so upset. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. Of course your angry and as humans or natural instinct is to protect ourselves and to fight in order preserve our own existence. Don't suffer in silence, there's lots of help out there. You don't need permission to see your doctor. Make an appointment and let them know how bad you feel. Don't let what happened to you Rob you of the life you deserve. Your doctor can get you councelling and or medication to help you feel so much better. Please don't harm yourself or others, be the brave person I know you are, to come through such an experience, get the help you need, it is a slow process but eventually you will see a brighter future. Xx