I think I have depression

[mtnt]

Hi everyone. I have never written a post to an online group like this but need someone to write to. I feel so overwhelmed and tired. I have contemplated suicide twice (had pills in my mouth once but spit them out). I am just so sad. I cry all the time. I stay up late working until everyone is asleep so I can cry quietly in my office. I don't want to get up in the morning to work but I do and I put on a happy face and I try so hard but I know I am snappy and agitated and not as nice as I usually am to people. I am so scared. I have been trying to connect with my old therapist and my newer therapist is not helping me at all. I have ADHD also and my meds are not helping. I am so lost. I just needed someone to listen. Thank you.

[ZenGiraffe]

Welcome to the online world. I find that extremely courageous that you were able to decide to spit pills out of your mouth. That’s incredible to me, so I give you kudos. I’m very sorry you’re feeling so down, but I’m happy to hear that you’re seeking help and that you understand that your current therapist isn’t working out. Sometimes it can be hard to figure out what part of treatment is failing... if you want to talk more you can private message me, I’d be glad to be of some support to you. Hang in there!

[Hidden]

Hi, welcome to the forum. What is going on that is making you so depressed? How is your family life? Work life? Do you have any stress release activities such as exercise, a hobby? I see you are in a lot of pain and sadness, I am so sorry. I have been through depression and I cry a lot too mostly over life, death and meaning. I recommend watching Douglas Bloch on YouTube he is a depression survivor and really gets it. I’m glad you reached out tonight

[mtnt in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. There is so much I am sad about. My work life sucks. I hate my job but I need my job. I feel so stuck in it. I want to quit so badly but how do you throw away your own business. I am making changes to make that part of my life better but it is slow and very very hard. My daughter who is my world is a senior in high school and will be leaving soon and I am just devastated thinking about my life here at home without her. She is my daughter but she is just my joy.

[Hidden in reply to mtnt]

Aww I’m so sorry it sounds like you are grieving the loss of your daughter leaving. I can see how it has thrown you into depression. Will she be going far away? Can you visit her or at least FaceTime on the phone often? Does she know how you feel and how sad you feel?

[mtnt in reply to Hidden]

We are not sure yet where she will be going. But it will not be close - probably at least 9 hours away (driving). We have not talked about it - she has anxiety and OCD and I don't want to worry her about me any more than she has to worry about other things right now but I will tell her as the time draws near - for sure I will. I think you are right though - I am grieving the loss of her leaving. Wow this sucks.

[Hidden in reply to mtnt]

Let it all out, journal, cry etc it’s healthy to grieve. She is probably scared too.

[Marshall64 in reply to Hidden]

I took your advice (even though it wasn't meant for me) and started watching Douglas Bloch's YouTube videos. Pretty good so far...

[Hidden in reply to Marshall64]

I’m glad! He really helped me sort out my depression and I hope you get something out of his videos too.

[AZ1970]

Welcome. Good for you for reaching out. I understand the struggles you are talking about. This is a safe place. We are hear to listen and support you. Perhaps a new therapist is needed. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t helping.

[mtnt in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you - I am not going back to her. It was not helping and a lot of $. And after the time I put the pills in my mouth and I called her and saw her, I scheduled another appointment and then canceled and she hasn't called me again. I was pretty disappointed about that. Since I have not heard from my old therapist, I felt tonight like I cannot wait. I did research tonight and I am calling 2 places tomorrow morning. I hope they can fit me in quickly. This forum has helped encourage me to seek help. Thank you so much.

[Melthepest]

I want to tell you things that I never heard as I was going through my ordeal— I know how you feel and I don’t ever want you to feel alone. So much sadness in this world could be erased by a simple act of kindness. A hug, a smile, an offer of friendship or just sitting with someone and being with them. Don’t give up on getting in touch with your therapist! In the meantime, post here all you want, it’s great to get it out in the open

[mtnt in reply to Melthepest]

Thank you so much. It is so nice to have this outlet. Everyone is so kind. I feel the hug.

The 2nd time I wanted to end my life, I called a suicide hotline and I was on hold for 10 minutes - how is that helpful?? If I feel that horrid pull again, I will post here instead.

Thank you again.

[Melthepest in reply to mtnt]

I think there is a lot of prejudice out there. Many people see reaching out for help as a weakness. My feeling is that if you can make the world a better place by being kind, then do it. If you need therapy, then don’t give up until you get it. Hopefully the positive reinforcement you will get here will help until you can connect with a professional. It is amazing what a relief it is to know there are people out there who understand

[sherril2291]

Hello, thank you for posting on here. It sounds to me that it's definitely time to get a new therapist. I've had several in my life, and the one I just found is the best by far, so they're out there. It's so important to talk to someone, and I'm glad you stopped by here. My suggestion would be to try and write in a journal as well. Most of the time when I was the saddest, the feeling of sadness was actually covering up anger that I had suppressed. Getting in touch with that anger and discussing it with a trained professional really helped me move past my depression. I know this is about you and not me, but I thought I would point out a few things that helped me (as I didn't spit out the pills - had to have my stomach pumped...proud of you!!)

[mtnt in reply to sherril2291]

Thank you so much for this. My old therapist has gotten in touch with me and has found a way for me to join her practice again. I am so grateful for this. I also found 2 other practices and them on standby. I so appreciate this forum. Everyone has been so kind.

[Hidden]

Hi. I understand how you feel. My youngest son who I’m very close to moved out about 2 years ago. I denied my feelings a lot but I missed him terribly. For a while he didn’t come around much but now he comes by to drink coffee a few times a week. He has a dangerous profession. That is hard for me sometimes. Things that are hard on any parent—but when you have depression and anxiety/panic attacks it makes it a lot tougher but I’m glad you’re here. Glad your old therapist fit you in. ThT is awesome. Love is what binds you to your daughter and no miles will stop that love.

[mtnt]

Thank you for that sentence - love is what binds me to my daughter. That means a lot. It is very true. I just wish I could get this sadness to just lift.

I am trying so hard to be hopeful and thank everyone here for there continued support!!!!