I'm new here. I am need of a little extra support today. I've had a rough year--in the hospital in April, left with a lot of medications for bipolar II as well as the reality that PTSD does not resolve itself easily. In the past, when treated for unipolar depression, my symptoms would ease up, my sleep would be better, nightmares would be scarce. But it's been a long time since I've felt better or even slightly like myself--and I've done all the things you're supposed to. I take my medicine, I stopped drinking, I do a crapload of yoga, and I run or walk every single day. I have a high-pressure and I can function at a moderate level right now. But I feel gripped by depression every minute and have been dealing with very real flashbacks for the past two weeks from a trauma that happened more than 13 years ago.
Today I left work and went to my friend's house because I started thinking about, well, disappearing into the woods, ending everything. The thoughts played in a loop in my head. I felt proud that I asked for help (that is freaking hard!), but now I'm back just feeling terrible. i don't want to die. I just want to feel like myself again. This version of life is exhausting.
I know I should call my doctor. But I feel I can't be honest because she might add more medicine when all I want is to be off medicine. Ugh. Like, I don't want to switch from Lamictal to something that will make me even more numb. And I feel like everyone thinks I should just be better by now.
I guess my question is this: has anyone dealt with long-lasting depression and figured a way out of it? Is there more I should be doing?
Sorry for the long-ish post. And thank you.