New here, looking for support--dealing w/ PTSD and bipolar II

[asthenosphere]

I'm new here. I am need of a little extra support today. I've had a rough year--in the hospital in April, left with a lot of medications for bipolar II as well as the reality that PTSD does not resolve itself easily. In the past, when treated for unipolar depression, my symptoms would ease up, my sleep would be better, nightmares would be scarce. But it's been a long time since I've felt better or even slightly like myself--and I've done all the things you're supposed to. I take my medicine, I stopped drinking, I do a crapload of yoga, and I run or walk every single day. I have a high-pressure and I can function at a moderate level right now. But I feel gripped by depression every minute and have been dealing with very real flashbacks for the past two weeks from a trauma that happened more than 13 years ago.

Today I left work and went to my friend's house because I started thinking about, well, disappearing into the woods, ending everything. The thoughts played in a loop in my head. I felt proud that I asked for help (that is freaking hard!), but now I'm back just feeling terrible. i don't want to die. I just want to feel like myself again. This version of life is exhausting.

I know I should call my doctor. But I feel I can't be honest because she might add more medicine when all I want is to be off medicine. Ugh. Like, I don't want to switch from Lamictal to something that will make me even more numb. And I feel like everyone thinks I should just be better by now.

I guess my question is this: has anyone dealt with long-lasting depression and figured a way out of it? Is there more I should be doing?

Sorry for the long-ish post. And thank you.

[jkl5500]

I don't know how much this will help, but this article is from a helpful website:

psychcentral.com/blog/5-tip...

Also, have you considered talk therapy with a psychologist to work through the trauma? I think it would do you a lot of good.

[asthenosphere in reply to jkl5500]

thank you, this does help. it is nice to be reminded to be patient with myself. i have tried talking to my therapist and we are supposed to do EMDR, but she says I have to be stable before we start and have largely ignored a lot of the trauma stuff. Part of that is my fault--I feel terrible and uncomfortable bringing it up. But I go on Friday and today i decided that i need to be honest to get better.

[jkl5500 in reply to asthenosphere]

I hate to be blunt, but: I'm sure it's not easy, but to get past this trauma you'll have to deal with it directly. Please don't kick the can down the road by not dealing with it now. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist already - that's a big step to getting better.

Also, you have to stop worrying about what "everyone else" thinks. The truth is that only someone else who has been through this will understand what you're going through - not your best friends, your family, or your spouse. They all may try, but they won't "get it". That's the "lonely" part of this illness - knowing that most people can't relate to it. But you won't be lonely here - you definitely came to the right place. We've all been there.

[asthenosphere in reply to jkl5500]

i really appreciate that. it is f*cking lonely.

[Sunny2019]

I know the struggle. Believe me i know the struggle