In order for me to be happy again, I need to let me past go.

[JP10]

First off Id like to say, I am grateful for everything that I do have in my life. I was blessed with great family and I was fortunate enough to receive a great education and a great childhood. I am a 31 year old male, and I have always been a family man, prideful, respectful, and full of confidence (even to the point where people thought I need to shot off my high horse). When I was 21 I was lucky enough to meet the love of my life, even though I didn't know it then because maybe I was too young but she was. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, even until this day. When I was 25 I hurt her badly, because of my selfishness and my invincibility attitude. I hurt her very badly while I was entertaining someone else. She eventually was wise enough to leave me for good, only realizing when it was too late, that she was the most important thing in my life and I threw it away for someone who was not even remotely half of her. Even though I was in another relationship for years after my ex had left me, my life was never the same, and is still not the same. I go into phases where I beat myself up badly, go into phases where jobs, money, and anything that is supposed to be important to me no longer is. My life is less meaningful to me now, its like I lost my purpose. When I had lost my ex, I went through a period of time of just making bad decisions. I was always looked at as a respectable guy, but the period of time I was lost, I became weak, and a lot of my "friends" and other people started looking down on me and I let them. Its been years since Ive been feeling this way, and I want to get myself back but I just dont know how to. I dont have an issue meeting girls, I just dont feel the same about anyone. Also, I get the feeling that some of my friends who are getting married, and their fiancee are starting to feel as though they are superior to me bc I am 31 and I am now single, etc etc. I dont know what else to do, but I need a spark in my life. I am losing interest in work, in friends, in everything, and I consider myself to be passionate. Do i need to take a vacation that I have not been on in 5 years? Do i I need to stay single and love myself and forgive myself? Do I need to drop my friends who make me feel worse about myself these days? I love my ex like no other, she deserves better than me and I will need to live with that for the rest of my life. Life has a way of humbling you and I needed to be humbled. But I feel like i never recovered from those days. and I need to, to become happy again. Any advice from anyone? Thank you for reading.

[JP10]

Just to add to it, I cry for her a lot. Which leads me to believe Im still in love with her and Im depressed over her, also bc I hate myself for what I did. This is bad bc I do not want to waste my years in depression, I want to be happy again, and I want to forgive myself.

[kenster1]

hi I am sorry that your having it rough.its a shame that your going through this but you need to forgive yourself for the mistake you made.sometimes we need to make mistakes in life to learn who we really are.i think you really are truly sorry for your actions but don't let it wreck you.i doubt true friends will be looking down on you either.five years without a break is far to long sounds like your running into the ground mentally punishing yourself.learn to live and love yourself again and maybe start looking for love again.i know how you feel losing a loved one through mistakes is hard but in time we recover and move on in life again.

[JP10 in reply to kenster1]

Thank you for your response and kind words. I will try to because I also dont want to look back one day and say that I wasted time beating myself instead building a life. From 26 to 31 was a blur and I dont want to continue my life beating myself to the ground. I will keep fighting. Thank you.

[Hidden]

Hi, I’ve been through something very similar and I can say that we definitely idealize the past and make ourselves believe that a past relationship was the best thing we would ever have. You are a different person now and so is she. It maybe you are idealizing the past because you really are unhappy with the present. The best thing to do is sort out why the present is not fulfilling, and what changes you want to make for yourself. Another person cannot be our source of happiness, they are an addition to our happiness within who we are.

[JP10 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your response. I dont think you could have been anymore right. I do idealize my past. The part of my life that she was in, were my best ever years. I was around my family, my friends, my girl, and maybe its valid to mention that I had a horrendous relationship after her with someone for a few years. But now I am in a position where all of my friends are getting married, all of childhood friends moved away, my family moved away, and Im kind of stuck to deal with life alone at this moment. Thats the tough part. I basically live to go to work, and have the same routine every day. So maybe you are right i need to fix my present.

[Hidden in reply to JP10]

I think you are seeing what is making you unhappy at this point in your life. This is a crossroads for you to do some serious reconciliation of your life and decide what changes need to be made. We can never go back, and ultimately you will see how going back is never the answer. The best days lay ahead of us, as we grow and develop who we are. Thanks be to the past, thanks be to the people you got to know and love, and be eager to know and love the new people who are yet to come into your life as you make a conscious choice to focus on forward movement again. Develop yourself spiritually, mentally, physically and your best days are always ahead of you.

[kevinloveslen]

Hello,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. I see many similarities in my story. It seems like I was pretty much where you are right now when I was 29 years old. That was in 2003. I am now 45 years old, been married for 12 years and have four children! However, the change did not start with taking a vacation, seeing a self-help guru to get my self-esteem back, nor did I seek to get back my ex-girlfriend. I had a “heart transplant” by accepting Christ into my life. Began going to church, stopped drinking, began tithing, stopped working on Sunday, began reading the bible, and committed my life to Christ. He took me from Parker, CO to Colorado Springs, CO, to Gadsden, AL, to Montgomery, AL (which is where I met my wife). I will be sincerely praying for you.

May God Bless You

[Dilaw808]

I think some of the options you threw out were good, go on a vacation, forgive yourself, love yourself, get rid of the “friends” that look down on you. Maybe a change on so many levels may be good. I know during one time of my life, when things were just out of control, I decided to do the opposite of what I thought I should do. It work on a lot of things. Not all though. But it was just enough to create enough hope to start fresh. I met my husband and he was the father my children never had. Of course I deal with migraines, depression, ptsd, anxiety and on and on, so it was just a matter of time before I went back to those dark places, but now I have a husband that loves me, and I love him. He supports me and has been there for me in so many ways.

As for your friends. It really may be time to find new ones. Ones that can relate, understand or don’t judge. I’ve learned the hard way to keep my big mouth shut when it comes to what I am going through or dealing with mentally. I have safe friends, a great doctor, or doctors, amazing children and a great husband. You don’t need people in your life who make you feel bad. You need people who uplift you and help make your burdens lighter.

Hang in there. You still are young and can start over. I have started over about 4 times. Or five. Four years ago I left California for Utah. It is much quieter and calmer here. That helped a lot too. Plus all my new friends.

Take care and don’t be so hard on yourself