Anybody available right now who has knowledge about very loving long lasting healthy relationships??

[hurtingheart1]

I hav some hypothetical questions really plaqueing my mind right now? Wondering if someone with life & love experience has thoughts & insight to offer regarding them? Or in answer to them??

[hurtingheart1]

I don’t know where to ask the questions?? There just thoughts I wonder?

[JEG325 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Ask me, my friend? I'll give it my best shot....

[hurtingheart1 in reply to JEG325]

Hi and thank you! Wondering is it possible someone in particular a man can truly love another a woman but not necessarily have enough motivation to be there for her when she’s in pain or needs to know at least that he’s be there for her even when it wasn’t easy or hard??? Hope that ques makes sense??? I’m having trouble trying to find wording or how to phrase my question so it comes out correct!!!🤣

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

I think it's possible someone can love another person like that, but I think being motivated to be there in pain, at ease, the easy, and the hard is life and what comes with a relationship. If someone cannot be motivated to be there during difficult times, the person that is being loved may not feel loved. Love is a word and actions always speak louder than words. It's old adages, but why would anyone give their love and their best to someone who won't be there for them at their worst? Someone who avoids the bad and difficult times may love the person experiencing them, but that doesn't mean it's going to be reciprocated. I think when you love someone, those things that are difficult or hard aren't difficult or hard. It's just what you do. I hope my thoughts on harsh. Merely my opinion and certainly there are deeper circumstances that could sway certain situations. I hope that helps a bit.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your thoughts I agree with a lot of your response- & no not harsh just your thoughts/opinions on the subject

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

& know there’s more to consider in the scenario other factors to weigh in- how bout for example if the man was raised by only a busy single parent with out much affection and a cruel and abbusive father maybe never learned what certain healthy type of loved felt or what it really looks like??? Even if they are already a quite responsible grown adult male does this change things??

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Absolutely, and I was wondering if there was more because some understanding can be had. If someone was abused and never really learned affection, it will absolutely be difficult. How can you trust someone you love when you didn't feel love from those you thought you loved? If there is abuse, there wasn't love. I would suggest getting a counselor to learn how to cope with the past and let them guide you with healthy relationships. I would think if (going to just say you...even if it's not you...just for context) you discussed this with a counselor, you could slowly let the person you love into your life differently. You've been through a lot and anyone that loves you, truly loves you, will understand your story. It will take time, but you would be amazed how supportive people are when they're hit with the reality of the background.

The experiences you mention below absolutely come into play. At the root, you aren't a bad person for not being capable of this sort of love. You have to grow, learn, and trust...even if you're a grown adult. I'm still learning and I've been married almost ten years. It sounds like you're hurt and you're asking for help because you DO love this person. You want to be there but emotionally it is really difficult given the history.

This person should start by seeing a counselor to discuss all of the neglect, abuse, and hurt. Whenever ready, they might invite their significant other to a session which is a safe haven. If someone really loves this person, they will be there because it's a massive benefit for both the suffering person and the person who wants to feel loved to grow and understand. I think this person has a very large bag they've been carrying for too long by themselves and it's been exhausting. I promise there is hope in finding a good therapist to guide this person past what they were to who they are and who they can be as they open up. Trust is a huge component of growing up. If we can't trust anyone, we won't allow the keys to our heart to anyone.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for insightful reply and yes persons in this are caring heavy bags for a long long time!! The guy had abusive father who abandoned him and also had a busy sad unaffectinate mother and the girl a very ill parent and a very busy working parent never there who left girl neglected and abandoned she was shy and never felt quite secure

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Also it’s a good question why would someone give there love & their best to someone who wouldn’t be there truly for them at their worst????🤔 Could it be they themselves somehow didn’t think they were worthy of this ever?? Maybe could there own childhood exerperience come into play??? Maybe types of neglect or abandonment??

[hurtingheart1 in reply to JEG325]

Like if there’s a girl and she loves a guy a lot - to where it feels like a very genuine unselfish love developed over long time& she knows she would be there for him if he were ever in pain or need and he reached out to her or told her this &no matter the time -day or night even if she were dead tired or felt sick with a bad headache or other issue but she knows in her heart she’d try her very best to atleast comfort him and make sure he felt loved and hopefully somewhat better but on the other hand he was very certain and made clear in many occasions he could not necessarily & would not likely do the same and the reason was he was in pain and too exhausted from lack of sleep but yet said still he loved her deeply and cared a great deal for her is it really possible it is true that he does truly love her or is it not really a true love is he maybe fooling himself? Or is it just a case of different personalities or different styles of loving?? do you think there is such a thing?? I have my own thoughts and opinions in this but I consider myself a very romantic emotional feeling type person very empathic and sometimes I think I’m an oddity that way so???? But then I’ve read about,seen, heard of real actual couples who love very deeply but in such diff ways and it is genuine and they manage stay happy & it works so I just want to understand to see things clearer & hopefully not with one sided thinking but some perspective & maybe different points of views??

[Siouxzie68 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Hon what kind of information do you need? Is it fear about someone finding out you have a problem or just in general????

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Siouxzie68]

I’m asking just asking in general not nesscessarily for me but hoping to get I guess unbiased thoughts on subject

[Hidden]

Hi I'm 60 & have been in love with my hubby for 38 years..We met at 15, I've really been in love with him since then. So i may be able to help you out. Love, peace, light, joy & hugs for you!

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you☺️🌸 maybe read above comments if you hav some thoughts on this

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

I think it depends on your guys age...xxx

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

What if the guy in relationship is a mature adult over 30? Does this really play a role or factor??? I’ve seen ppl age 19-20 who were very mature & can love another very unselfishly and a person age 60 not seem to be capable of a mature unselfish love!! So I wonder if age is really that much a factor in love

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Well I would think at his age he should be there for you if he loves you. My hubby & I dated in high school off & on..he'd always dump me for something else, he had oats to sow, haha! That's why I was talking about age. I really think as women we know in our hearts if someone loves us. Love, peace, light, joy & hugs for you!

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Yes all this sounds right! Thank soo much for reply’s & I totally went through such similar scenario and fell in love at 15 and my guy dumped me repeatly to sew wild oats as well only it went on way to long and self esteem suffered way to much so just finally had to end & move on I just felt by a certain age that I couldn’t trust they would stop this behavior so yea just not enough trust but I loved him for years and years we were together long time many yes!!!💔🤣

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

But just in case you’re wondering the situation I’m discussing above isn’t about him

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

I meant yes thank you for your replies☺️ And about the knowing in your heart if someone really loves you but in this case thinks it’s quire complicated by deeper issues

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Well I hope it all works for the best for you. Love, peace, light, joy & hugs!

[Hidden]

I think we talk about love in a couple of different ways. There is the feeling type of love and an action type of love. The feeling type of love is not enough: it needs to be followed through with action. The feeling is "I like the way I feel when I'm with you." It focuses more on the self. The action type of love is focused on the other person. You take actions that are in the best interest of the one that you love. You literally love the person by making their life better and meeting their needs, sacrificing some of your own.

The problem is that when you are with a feeling kind of love partner, you can't make them change. It has to come from within. Obviously, you share your needs, but they don't really matter to him. Only how he feels matters. This happens a lot to people that haven't been properly loved as a child. I think that the love we show others comes out of the love that we have already received ourselves.

What is the solution? You might have to change your expectations of him. He is not likely to get much better at action loving. But you want to be loving, right?

We would know that we are loved if someone gave their life to save ours. Unfortunately they would then be dead and that love would be just a memory. What if someone died to save our lives, but we could still interact with them and that they could still actively love us? That is why I love Jesus. That is what he did for me and keeps doing for me. Infinite love. When we understand that love deep within our souls we then have infinite love to share with others. When stated like that, wouldn't it be worth it to check it out and see if it might be true?

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Wow thank you so much for sharing this!!! That’s beautiful about the infinite love! But interesting how do you feel you are interacting like what do you mean?

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

I want to give you an answer that doesn't use "Sunday School" words, but those are the words I think in. I need to think a bit to "translate".

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I realize that they are not the words I think in, but the words I've grown up using to describe how I interact with Jesus. My first thought about how I interact was something Jesus said before he left earth. "Peace. My peace I leave with you." I experience his presence with me. I talk things through with him. I even yell sometimes (in my mind) because this depression is so all encompassing. The response is always Love. When I need it most he reminds me how much I am loved. When I don't know how to react to something or someone he also responds, "Love."

[hurtingheart1]

And yes what you’re saying sounds right about giving the love you learned or were shown is what you give or show to others. In the scenario/situation the guy does have some formsi guess of action type love by doing helpful things, helping materially provide , fixing & repairing things, practical needs and help! He was shown this type of love or care as a child growing up But emotional wise there is some emptiness!

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

This sounds like a problem much aligned with the book "The Five Love Languages" as well. Perhaps his way of showing love and affection isn't what she would define as love. It's a good read. When our emotional "love tank" as the book puts it gets low, we become depressed. We could be identical partners but have different things that make us feel loved. His mannerisms sound like he's trying to speak a different love language. Services and help might be his way of saying he cares. This doesn't include some of the horrible issues he went through when young and having to deal with an unloving situation and abuse. There's a lot to sift through there, but I don't think it's a lost cause whatsoever. Counseling would do wonders here I'm thinking. I truly hope all works out for them.

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

The love languages book helped me to understand how my husband and I love differently. Aequitas, I think you are exactly right. When I start feeling unloved because we aren't cuddling, hugging, touching during the day, I remind myself that my husband loves me with acts of service. So I think of the type of things you mentioned, hurtingheart, that my husband does a lot of and I multiply the feeling I get by a thousand.

5lovelanguages.com/profile/ has a quiz you can take to see what your love language might be.

[SadCma]

I’m kinda going through this. My husband and I have been married 16 years. I’ve had depression off and on our whole marriage. I’m at my worse now. I know he loves me but he has a very difficult time being here for me. I’ve tried explaining it’s not about words he says but about just listening. Problem is when I’m in one of my moods....he listens and gets pissed off and that helps nothing. Last night I told him no matter how mad I made him what I needed him to do was hug me. To just pull me in his arms and hug me. Tell me it will be ok. To let me cry it all out because sometimes that’s all I need.

[Hidden]

I'll have a go for you..

[hurtingheart1]

I know this is a months old thread/ discussion not sure what to call it?? But I’m an emotional reck now again goin through this same issue and I can’t get past the pain and confusion I guess I’m just reaching our for some support understanding??

[hurtingheart1]

Thank goodness I managed to save this page and just came across this! To SoCal poppy thank you so much again for your beautiful words- I hope you’re doing well and your depression is better now!! Hopefully you’ll see this post🤣