Okay here goes everything. I’m not about feelings and I don’t like to express emotions. I hate poor me and pity me parties. I tend to bury all my problems and don’t normally face them till they explode around me (it’s done past exploded at this point and now I’m sitting in a pile of poo). I’m a private person and I’m too proud to admit when I cannot do it on my own, but life sucks and I cannot continue feeling like this and I have a life to get back on track. My friends call me a happy girl. My coworkers call me a saving grace that smiles all day. My husband calls me the best wife ever and can not do anything without me by his side. From all sides I hear words like confident, responsible, faithful, easy-going, devoted, personable, funny, smartass, caring, dependable, hard-working, smart, energetic, blunt, bold, and blah-blah the list could go, depending on how big my ego is tonight. However, none of these people see past the fake smile and the imitation emotions that are emitted on a daily basis. Hell, I’m so good sometimes I believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth or the personality I exude into my surroundings. Here lately it has become harder and harder to hide the emptiness and longing for something. I know people are seeing it and they don’t like it. My attitude has become more sassy and bitchy to even those closest to me. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve almost got my masters completed and I want to quit. I don’t want to be around anybody and my husband’s in denial. I’ve started hating my job and will not talk to anybody on the phone. I fake this perfect life and for a while it worked, but life has a way of revealing all the bullshit. So here I am at my lowest and trying to find help out of this pit called my life in limbo. I’m not really living right now, just struggling to survive my own brain from sabotaging me. I hope to find some kind of inspiration or at least someone struggling with similar emotions. Someone who’s trying to find out who they are without all the masks on.
Facing the Truth: Okay here goes... - Anxiety and Depre...
Facing the Truth
I'm not a doctor, just a fellow sufferer. But it sounds like you had mild depression for many years and managed to hide it from everyone. Now the magnitude of the depression has increased to the point where you can no longer hide it. I hope you are seeking medical help for this illness. You may have been able to "slug it out" by yourself in the past, but it's different now. Please see your doctor ASAP to get the help you need.
Thank you for your wonderful words. I do plan on seeking treatment. I just wanted to find better coping mechanisms. I have everything but internally I have nothing. I just needed to find a place where I’m not the only oddball in the crowd.
Believe me, you'll fit in here just fine! You have lots of company here. Feel free to say what's on your mind - we've been there too, and we know what you're talking about.
You made it this far by stating how you are feeling here. Can you lower your shields and allow one person in your life in to help you?
I have been struggling hard with panic attacks and anxiety. I hid my issues from everyone. I went to the Dr and still it persists. I have now opened up a bit by telling my adult daughter and a guy friend how I feel and my struggles. It is helping to have someone to just listen and be supportive. If you want to vent I am new here but you can growl at me if it makes you feel better.
Thank you so much. I do have trouble opening up to people to begin with, add on talking about depression it can be quite daunting.
totally agree with jk15500. please think about getting real help and stop white-knuckling it. maybe at this point you just need counseling to work some things out.
it sounds like your carrying a very heavy load up hill.....trying to meet all the expectations of you for everyone else is exhausting. It's okay to ask for help, and lighten your load to a more realistic pace. My sister internalized everything...and smiled her way through a very demanding and difficult marriage with 4 kids and a sociopath for a husband....she gave and gave until one day she called me and said she didn't even know who she was any more. She had forgotten herself completely in trying to people please everyone else. She didn't change till one day she was diagnosed with cancer.....then everything changed. She is a very beautiful, model like beauty naturally, and very physically fit...so it was a huge shock she was sick..... I think it was exacerbated by internalising everything and always doing everything for everyone else....it was literally killing her. She divorced her abusive husband immediately.....as she said if I only have 11 months to live I'll be damned if it's going to be with that jerk.....and she talked to all the kids.... and long story short.... she's a miracle.... she had multiple surgery's.... and many months of chemo and radiation, but she is now in complete remission.....
And now she lives her life for herself too...all her kids are grown, one left to graduate from college, the other three have degrees now....she went back to college and got her own degree as she was always be-rated by her ex- for not being smart enough, and this coming out of the mouth of a high school drop out....
Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.... let people know when you need help, let the carry some of the load.....nothing will change other than you feeling better....we don't always have to be in the drivers seat.... reality is...we cannot control everything, not people, or events, or the inevitable....
I’m literally in tears right now from your beautiful words. Control is everything to me. I find it hard to let it go. I want nothing more than to say sayonara to everything and everyone around me and start fresh. I know it will not help but only delay the process. I’m very scared to start the process of seeking help. I’ve depended on myself for so long that I don’t know where to start. Thank you so much for your words.
it's not a bad idea to start with little things.....small steps....someone wants to take the trash out, or cook something different or get take out instead, that's okay....someone wants to go somewhere and your not really up for it...it's okay to say no.....and it's okay to let someone else do things for themselves.... After a while you start feeling a bit lighter because your not stressing over making sure everything is just so.... and if someone doesn't sweep the floor quite the same way you do...it's okay... you can learn to let that go..... just try and relax into life a little bit more at a time.....give yourself your life back.
I completely relate to the depths you describe about your life. We all wear masks, some more than others. They wear on us. For me it’s depression. It raises its ugly head and even the mask doesn’t hide it because people read my eyes and then I’m exposed and vunerable. I want to hide, but sometimes I can’t. You certainly are not alone and I’m so glad you decided to share. That is the first step.
Keep talking, even seek out a trusted friend, then I suggest a professional counselor. It doesn’t have to be a long term thing. You might have a chemical imbalance in your brain like I do. I do take an anti-depressant and balances that out.
Never lose sight of who YOU are. It’s about being honest with yourself. It takes courage and strength to admit you need help. We all need help sometimes and it’s ok. Keep moving forward. You will get there.
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