Little liar 😶

[deea21]

I overthink most of the time and now I thought that I’m invisible even here because people don’t understand me or think I’m a liar. I wear a perfect mask and I change my figure with every person I met. We all struggle in a way or other and can express or suppress our emotions because we all are different types of fishes in the tank. I’m that big one stressed and ashamed on how I look and how I talk, ashamed for even live in a world where others can, I’m a failure. I noticed you all don’t even like me, and I hate that thing because my heart still dreaming to find her place in this universe and create something memorable. I’m still a kid who’s stupid enough to want something impossible at an age too advanced to prove it right. I am real even if my moods are completely different in every minute and I try to find my way but not stepping on dead bodies ; I try to braid flower hearts.

And you’re judging me because I’m lying and faking all this for likes and acceptance but in the end I don’t understand myself, how can you ?!

[Nina78]

You are not a liar.hope u feel better soon.

[deea21 in reply to Nina78]

Thanks Nina. 😘

[Lostjoy]

We are all just human looking for acceptance within ourselves. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone here is struggling with something.

I’m here is you want to talk about what’s going on in your life that has you feeling all of these emotions.

[deea21 in reply to Lostjoy]

Thank you very much for your support. Sometimes I just need to say something what I feel in that moment. It’s nothing that can’t pass. . 😘

[hypercat54]

Hi join the human race. We all struggle in life and how do you know others aren't putting on a show that everything is perfect as you are? They could well be looking at you thinking how great your life is and that they are a waste of space.

You need to be talking to people and if you haven't got family or friends you can be honest with and be yourself with then how about a counsellor? And you have us here of course. No one here is judging you and why should we? We are here for the same reasons after all.

I notice from a previous post that you refuse to take any meds? Well if they can help you feel a bit better and more able to tackle your issues wouldn't they be worth a go? x

[deea21 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for you reply. I took meds for lots of years and I was worse than I am. I know everyone struggle in life, but in my life every day it’s a new problem that comes on my head. I am antisocial and I don’t have real friends and my family lives miles away and I can’t tell them about my life because will cost their life. A counsellor would be nice, but maybe a private one to feel protected no matter what in saying. It’s not like I’m refusing to take meds, but when you see that you become dependent on them and make the situation worse it means that doesn’t work on me. I am in this situation or even worse since I was 13 when was my first suicide attempt. I learned a lot, read about depression and anxiety in different levels or types of treatments. My path can be different then others. Most doctors told me that I was born with a problem that doesn’t have a name in medicine.... I mean my brain needs to be working all the time to not let him to think about stupid stuff...

[fauxartist]

No one has the right to judge you, don't judge yourself either, your fine, good, and loved just the way you are. We are all a mixed bag, and that's just life. Not everyone is going to agree with us on everything, and not everyone is going to even like us. But that's okay too. And we can agree to disagree diplomatically with someone who has different views. The only one you have to be okay with is yourself, no one else's opinion matters.

[deea21 in reply to fauxartist]

Amazing mind. I know it’s true and I do feel the same; but sometimes I fall and I need to get up. I know in the end it’s just myself and I create my own movie the way I want ; but it’s hard. I was raised to have manners and be nice all the time, and sometimes I need to explain myself that I’m on that track. I was raised by perfectionist and I become one . I was raised in a communist country and even if I try to grow I have 1% of that mentality. I need to tell people I can be good and sometimes I hate it people don’t see me how I am. I know I don’t need to do that because if someone cares will get to know me. But it’s just the way I feel in this moment and I need to express myself in a way. Thank you for your amazing thoughts. 😘😘😘

[fauxartist]

your okay feeling your feelings, it's you getting in touch with stuff. Now look at what points you wrote about and reflect on those. Writing is cathartic and helps when you feel lost and dis-array...it can help you focus on problems to work on solutions. And sometimes you need to just say 'F*ck'!!!....and let it out. Just thinking about this stuff helps you get in touch with it. Your doing good.

[deea21 in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks. While writing it I’m feeling perfect. I do feel some of my problems are almost resolved. I feel that expressing myself with words on paper or here makes me realising my problems and of course focus as you said. Sometimes I just do it because I need to tell someone and here it’s easier. I have my ups and downs but I usually practice what you’re saying. Thank you very much for reminding me all this. Big hug

[WestyCMass]

Hang in there. I wish I had something to say that made you feel better but ... well I have been in a similar position. I can say after many, many years of taking meds, I finally was forced to change providers and the new person prescribed meds (changed amounts etc) in a way that has made me feel a lot better most of the time. I was ready to give up and felt hopeless prior to that point.

I have often had it said to me that if I was diabetic I would take the medications needed to keep me healthy and not worry about becoming dependent on them. Sometimes that makes sense to me; some days it doesn't.

I hope you find some peace and happiness. You derserve it.

[deea21 in reply to WestyCMass]

Thank you for your support and your beautiful words. 😘