Not wanting to be a burden

[Wild_N]

Hi all hope you are all well and getting by day by day.

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything or responded to any posts. It's been challenging times lately and very challenging times, posting on this platform really relieves a lot of things but however there comes that time when you need to interact with someone face to face. I've been needing that interaction so badly and looking at all the people around me or friends I find myself giving up locking myself up and crying. I actually find myself in the position of crying and frustration because when I'm in that need and thinking of the possible people that I can talk to I back off thinking that I'm burdening people and most of the time the stories that I share are of pain and misery. I'm certain that most of those i try to talk to get to be tired of me looking at the way my calls are not answered. I've been unemployed for 3 years going for my 4th year now so possible reasons for my calls not being answers could be; I need financial assistance; A job related favor or me being depressed by my situation.

So with all my realities when wanting to write I hold back so much thinking that everything I write is so miserable, sad and depressive. I actually feel that the same way I bore people will probably bore this platform as well. At times I want to write then I manage to write one sentence then give up. I'm in SA and the responses to groups and centers that help with depression are rather poor or you get a number that does not work or you leave a message and no one responds. Been seeing a psychiatrist being of public services there's never enough time to talk, relate or even ask her to read the thoughts that I've been going through meaning that I go through everything on my own and have to somehow deal with it on my own. I mean the sleeping pills I get do absolutely nothing.

I have family drama, relationship drama, "friends" drama, life drama, financial drama and children drama. I'm at a point where my relationship with my family is fading away and the more I try or think that it can be mended the more I get hurt realizing that indeed I'm alone in the world I have to actually work harder to raising my children the best way possible and try to be independent financially. I'm engaged funny enough LOL I'm a loyal person in general, so I lost my job still had financial backing, fell pregnant, then lost my car, things were a bit okay then when things got worse financially there was that distance building bit by more yet he is sure that I'm his wife but where is he to support me I don't need financial support but him being there emotionally and for his daughter. Friends I don't think it defines friendship really coz here today gone tomorrow when times are tough I know I'm useful because I'm mobile. Life I keep falling in and out of depression especially when there are financial challenges not being able to provide for my kids kills me. My children how I love them so so much, my eldest failed her grade she was so hurt I supported comforted her the best way I could but in the back of my mind I blamed myself thinking that my situation she can see and its affecting her the fact that I can provide for her the way I used to is taking a toll on her, my depression is affecting her and I didn't push her hard enough. Her failing is my failure of failing her really.

It's just a summary, I feel better now the kids are on holiday giving me time to me, to reflect, to think and plan... So I'll be using this time productively I hope I wont loose focus.

[Scruffedupkitty]

Is there a way you can go outside your area for a specialist even if it is for awhile and go back to your area with another specialists caorse of treatment plan to be followed?

[Wild_N in reply to Scruffedupkitty]

I'm hoping to however financial restrictions are the challenge and if my siblings assist they actually get info from the specialists then it's used against me somehow. So my independence will help me majorly.

[AZ1970]

It sounds like you do need some time to socialize with others. Is there a local support group you can attend? I have started doing that (although the first time was hard) and they have become important to my recovery. Secondly, can you reach out to a friend and not mention anything about your problems? Just say hi. Make the focus on them to be able to connect. As far as family goes, you want to reconnect. If you have made the offer and they don't respond, respect their wishes. Trying to make something happen that can't is only going to frustrate you.

As far as your daughter goes, I understand. My oldest went through a similar thing. I just was not able to be the support he needed. I have regrets, but I know I did the best I could. There were things outside of my control. I imagine the same is true for you. We cannot change what happened. All we can do is move forward. If you stay stuck in the past and guilt, you cannot be there for her right now. Then the problems persists.

Hang in there.

[art62grammie]

You are not a burden. That is why we are here. Yep! I know how you feel. I have been a severe Anorexic for forty years. I checked myself into treatment for the first time six years ago. I have recently recovered. It is a daily process to stay recovered. I am doing it though. I want you to know that you are not alone. Yes, face to face is better. We are not facing face here of course. I got myself a wonderful mental therapist and doctor. I have been going to them for six years and will continue. Life is not easy for most people. I want you to do something that makes you happy. Do it for you. I listen to music and cook, clean, drive, artwork and sewing. It is very good therapy. It relieves stress. I love you and reach out for help.