Hi! I’m a long time survivor of depression and anxiety, but am new at this “talking about it” thing. I’ve dealt with my issues pretty much by myself for my entire life. However, I feel that I need to share my story to move forward with my healing with regards to new information I’ve learned about my life.
As a child, I can remember being distant and extremely sad. My early memories of school are crying in class everyday because I was so overcome by my depressive thoughts. Around 12 years old, my school forced my parents to get me therapy after I threatened to kill myself on an online hotline for kids struggling with emotions. In reality, I wanted that to happen. I had previously asked my parents to take me to therapy, but no one ever did until they were forced to.
Not long before that, I was sexually abused by my fathers coworker/friend. My parents removed me from the situation after people started noticing something weird was going on. No charges were ever filed and the guy still showed up every once in a while. I recently found out that my dad was actually taking money from the guy when it was happening. My dad says he gave the money back, but the guy is still allowed around me. I’m not sure what to think.
Honestly, I was starting to feel better when I reached college. I was becoming the first in my family to obtain a college degree and was pursuing my dreams. But then, my dad started having an affair with someone I had previously confided in about my parents rocky relationship. I felt responsible for my mother’s grief. My parents never had a happy relationship and we all knew it would fail eventually, but I had always thought of my dad as an upstanding guy. But he kicked us out twice to move this girl with her kid in and started become verbally and physically violent. He became negligent and then I found out about the money he took. His side of the immediate family hates me and would never believe me if I told them what he did.
I have an okay job now, my degree, and I live a stable environment. I should be happier, but I can’t bring myself to get over the past. I cry at night and drown in my sadness daily. I hope to overcome this someday in the relatively near future. I know people in the world are going through worse than I ever have. Sometimes I feel like I’m not entitled to my depression and that makes it worse. I’m sorry and thank you.
Written by
BAM97
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Oh sweetie! What a betrayal on so many fronts. You have every reason to feel the way you do. The fact that you are working is a testament to your strength. What your dad has done is horrific. He should be in jail for that. So should the man who did it. Do you have a therapist? You need support to work through this trauma. Please keep posting here. We will lift you and and support you through this.
when we suffer from depression alone, and have no outside influence, that's bad enough. We feel sad and feel despair with no real reason because it's a chemical imbalance. But when you add betrayal such as your father had done.....more than once, and his side of the family as well....then often we take that on board as blame, shame and guilt. You said: I felt responsible for my mother’s grief. My parents never had a happy relationship and we all knew it would fail eventually..... you had nothing to do with your mothers grief, that had to do solely with her relationship with your father. It was not your fault, you didn't' do anything wrong, and you didn't deserve this to happen to you. As kids we are in survival mode, and life happens, we move on with our lives....but this stuff does eventually surface, and when it does....it's devastating. I was abused and abandon as a child and it scared me for life. But therapy and learning as much as I could helped me to understand it, stop blaming and shaming myself, and learning to live with it the best I could. There is no cure for depression, only meds if you choose to go that route, and therapy.
Knowledge is power, and the more you understand, the more power is taken out of these horrific things we had endured as kids and how it has effected our adult lives.
I’m sooo sorry u have experienced such a trying upbringing... unfortunately I know somewhat how u feel.. no one deserves what u went thru & you deserve way better then what type of Life your father gave you. So.... u know what— VENT, TELL IT LIKE IT IS ON THIS SITE.. on here... we are all sufferers but also... more importantly, WE ARE SURVIVORS—. You know why ????? Because We Are Here To Share Our Stories... so be proud of you have become & all the negative past crap... turn into POSITIVE things—Just Like...the song that I love, by Fleetwood Mac, “The Chain”... every time I hear it, I think of how ( I broke the chain ) !!! 🎵 SO, BREAK THE CHAIN !!!🎵. Thank you for sharing
I am in awe at your courage and strength at having got this far in your life after what you suffered as a child.
To have come through all of that on your own and have a degree, a job and somewhere stable to live shows what excellent character you have inside you.
You have done brilliantly well in expressing yourself here, it won’t have been easy, especially if you’re new to it.
Any guilt or shame in this situation should rest solely on your father’s shoulders. Him returning the money to his partner in crime does not make anything any better or absolve him of any guilt for allowing that guy access to you. No wonder he didn’t want you to get any therapy - he didn’t want to be found out!
Likewise you are not responsible for the decisions of two adults who have an affair.
Please parent yourself now, I think you’ll make a much better job of it than him. Get yourself the therapy and counselling you so badly needed when you were young.
Congratulations, on taking the next step and telling us your story! Life is sure full of battles and storms. Keep up the good job, moving forward towards healing.
Your feelings are so understandable. You have not caused, nor do you deserve, the treatment you are describing. You sound like you are looking for healthy relationships and new healthy ways to live your life. That is wonderful! Your understanding that you need to talk about past events is accurate, yet we cannot stay in the past. Looking toward the future with hope takes time, counseling, learning new ways of thinking and behaving, and knowing in your heart of hearts that you are enough and loveable. You are. Christian counseling helped me to learn that. Would you consider that?
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