I owe my father $ 30k just because I exist

[SchizoidBartelby]

I am 28. I still live with my parents, not paying rent or bills because can't find a stable job. And when I work, I spend the money on useless stuff just such as going on a vacation, buying new clothes, alcohol, weed etc. to escape from my depression. I am no use to my family and they know that.

I calculated monthly rent + bills + education expenses between the day I turned 18 and now.

If I could find a way to pay my father $30k, would I feel better? Is it possible that knowing I am a burden on his shoulders is the reason behind my depression?

My father does heavy work since my childhood. He works hard to earn money and I am no good. He works hard just to bring food, keep us together etc. What am I doing? I dropped off college twice and now I'm doing it the third time. Knowing that I am the reason behind his misery... But what is the reason behind my misery?

I just needed to get this off my chest. Let's see how I feel after posting this.

See my depression blog here: Home | My Depression Treatment

[deborah27]

I suppose why would anyone change a behaviour pattern when it isn't really challenged? Are your parents ok with everything?

[kenster1]

hi if your dad isn't making it an issue then don't feel to bad about yourself tings can improve and you can provide.weed defo not helping and the alcohol will make it worse combination of both aint good.even if it is an issue im sure your dad just wants to see you happy and stable.my dad worked for 60 year sometime even walking 8 miles to work I wish I had his work ethic but I didn't.set yourself a goal and work towards it lay of the weed alcohol that's a good start and even get support to help you on the way.dont punish yourself to much on a constant basis that just makes it harder.

[SchizoidBartelby in reply to kenster1]

Alcohol and weed ain't a problem no more. And I'm trying to build a stable income by working freelance, however, working freelance means I have to deal with having no-money from time to time. It pisses me off to ask my family for money to be honest.

[kenster1 in reply to SchizoidBartelby]

see if you earn decent money when you do work take some each time and give it to your family so when times are you always have the savings to fall back on.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi there, just wanted to say I love your blog and I hope you have a lot of readership as it is very informative and interesting.

You mention the weed and that is a known depressant and often causes apathy. I don't know how much you do it but if you do it a lot there that is an obvious thing to cut out.

I don't have any answers but I can see you have great intelligence and I think this will help you in fathoming out what to do . You mention exercise in your blog. I would say as this is the one thing that has worked for you to do more of that.

The meds don't seem to be doing much for you so have you thought about changing or quitting them?

Hope you find some answers but you've got me looking at your blog anyway and it's good.

[SchizoidBartelby in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you I've quit alcohol and weed a while ago. Right now the only problem is that I sleep too much and have no motivation for anything. I've tried 18 different antidepressants but none of them ever worked for me. Sports is a good way to deal with depression but I find it hard to just start doing something. I ride my bicycle 2-3 nights in a week and play soccer every once in a while. They used to make me feel better but now I just ride my bike with a poker face

[Stilltrying_ in reply to SchizoidBartelby]

Aw ! (poker face) I'm glad you've quit the alcohol and weed. AD's never did anything for me either though I could never have been bothered to try 18 different ones ! You made me smile with your description of yourself ; you are very endearing. I have a feeling you will find a good way through this.

[Stilltrying_]

It seems also like you like nature. Have you currently got a way of engaging with nature that could be helpful? A light stroll somewhere green and maybe do a bit of photography and edit the photos for your blog?

[SchizoidBartelby in reply to Stilltrying_]

I went camping for 3 days with my bicycle and I hated every bit of it I'll go to a historical valley (from 3000 bc) this weekend and camp around for 15 days. Let's see what happens I might write a blog post about it. I'm sure there'll be great photos

[optimuscoolbeans]

Yes. Yes. Walks out in nature are good stuff. Helped me a lot give those a try. I also like your name.

[SchizoidBartelby in reply to optimuscoolbeans]

You would also like my real name I love the name Bartleby because it's my fav fictional character from the novel Bartleby the Scrivener and also the short form is Bart from the Simpsons ^^