Why im here

[Crazyme]

Hello everyone, im new here. I have had very mild depression and anxiety my whole life but nothing that bad. About 10 years ago i went into a deep depression and ended up hospitalized after a suicide attempt. After that treatment i was a new man and life was great. I got in the best shape of my life, got a promotion at work, was trying new activities with my wife and our relationship even got closer. Then about 3, 4 years ago it came back...it started slow but progressed to the point im in now. I have lost my house, both of our cars, my motorcycle, and my government job i loved so much at one time. I cut myself off from the outside world, i talked to no one but my wife...i even have a hard time communicating with my children. Shortly after being forced into early retirement and seeing my life crumble i once again tried killing myself. Right in front of my wife and two friends i put my hand gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger...God stopped the bullet by jamming it and before i could free the shell they jumped me and took my gun. And once again back in hospital...but i didnt have the same positive results. We had to move into my inlaws house and its not bad but it has become my prison. I can barely leave my room let alone the house. I was a musician for 30 years and just stopped...i hate music now. I was President of my motorcycle club and i stepped down three years ago and haven't even riden with them since..i no longer enjoy riding. I had a small side business make steampunk hats clothing props and accessories and had client's all over the world then i just stopped and closed the studio. I had so many things i loved doing and now i look forward to two things...my wife coming home from work and sleep. I haven't felt joy in years...im on 5 different meds...i go to a therapist weekly...have a case manager i speak to monthy and nothing is helping so im trying this right now and hope it helps. Sorry for babbling

[tamka38]

Hey am sorry u having a hard time right now. And here if u need me,I hope u feel better soon

[Crazyme in reply to tamka38]

Thank you. I hope this community can help me through this.

[beautyoutofashes54]

Crazyme I am so sorry that these two enemies (as I like to call my depression and anxiety) Have gotten hold of you so tightly. I am always here to share my personal story and how I have made it through. I believe a lot is what we say to ourselves. If we speak positively to ourselves, we do better to live a positive life. It may seem small but I would like to suggest that you not call yourself crazyme, something that is positive to hold onto and speak to yourself. All I know about you is what you have written and it sounds like you have been an overcomer, a person who perseveres. Maybe you can us one of these words to descript you better. In my thoughts. Beautyoutofashes54

[Crazyme in reply to beautyoutofashes54]

Thank you so much. It was good to hear that someone understands this instead of people who tell me to just snap out of it...like its easy. Most people i know dont understand and thats probably a big part of why i dont leave my house.

[Mesatej]

I'm very sad to hear all of that. I wish you could find a place back in your heart for the activities that brought you happiness.