A borderline Alchoholic

Ive been finding it easier to fall asleep at night with a lil alchohol in my system the hangover gives the same effect as if I had just got done crying when I wake up the next day headaches n all and I dont mind it at all, its therapeutic for me, I've gotten over my anxiety a little I'm able to control it but depression is a motherfucker lol I think im alone in this world, and I feel nothing I just dont care about anything anymore, life just completely unamuses me now, food dont even taste the damn same anymore I dont even care for TV anymore or games I find myself playing rpg games like the sims n shit I guess to compensate for the life I wish I'd live but isnt, I promised my cousin if he got good grades this semester id buy him his ps4, and i realise now that I do it because I see alot of myself in him and dont want him to go through the same shit I did and crush the high spirited energy he possesses me and my mothers relationship isnt well either shes constantly asking me for money to support her and her significant other drug habit regardless to the fact that me and her so had got into for disrespecting both my mother and grandmother despite my mom constantly taking care of em and my grandmother giving her a roof over her head a and wanting to throw hands with me, my mother is back with her so and its scaring the shit outta me because the bitch is so crazy I dont know what danger shes in and its pushing me away because Im not trying to involve myself in any more drama in my life, and im I'm so mentally unstable I find myself subtly and lowkey crying out to help amidst conversations with people at work and telling them about my anxiety and depression hoping for some advice and though I've gotten some ok advice its starting to not be enough the weight I lost last year I'm gaining it back, I dont know how long I have left here and tbh I'm ok with that i just hope that when I do go I've done something in my life or enough good that'll get me accepted Into heaven.

[Agora1]

Oh Keejay, I'm so sorry you are struggling with your depression. Anyone would be with the stressful situation around you. Are you seeing a therapist or on any medication?

Even taking a little alcohol is not the way to go. I hate to see you suffer emotionally and physically. A little medication can go a long way in balancing the chemicals that are off

in your brain.

I am glad that you weight is coming back and that your anxiety is lower. Stay strong

my friend and reach for help please. You are cared about x

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you agora Yeah the weight gain is not a good thing ironically its actually the one something I'm actually trying to lose. I'm morbidly obese. And I'm aware that the alchohol is not helping me physically especially with me having a fatty liver and as of right now I drink it very seldomly but when I haven't had at least a sip of it for a while I feel the urge to go to the store and cop a can or two. And I dont really trust medicine unless its vitamins. Tries to see a therapist at a mental center but didnt get a call back and I was told we have one at my job but I can never get the courage to go because I dont want anybody judging me or treating me any different from now as I've noticed some do since they've learned about my depression only time will tell I'm gonna hop back on a regimen and rehab myself starting today for the winter season hopefully I can conquer it as well as my weight loss

[Marshall64 in reply to Hidden]

Don't worry about people judging you or treating you differently if you go see a therapist. If you had a physical condition that attention, would you feel uneasy about going to a doctor? It is no different if you have a mental health issue. A therapist may help you with some of the issues.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Keejay, I hope you do get into therapy wherever it may be. It's important

to you welfare right now. It's just too hard too manage it alone.

We are here if you need the support and encouragement. I know the wait

list can be long at the mental health center. It may be in your best interest

to go to the one at your job. You seem to have a plan in mind for the winter

season and that is a start. Wish you well my friend. x

[Hidden]

Trying to appreciate it 🙂

[Hidden]

Your opinion lol, absent punctuation

[Hidden]

So sorry to hear of your situation Keejay. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes.

You know the alcohol is really bad for you. It is a depressant, so although it might relax you a bit, it's going to make your depression worse. You are also dependant on it, no matter how much you take. I don't think you can get through life without being dependant on something, but it needs to be something that does you good, not harm.

Breaking dependency is hard however so you need help with that and with your anxiety and depression.

So yes, you certainly need therapy, whatever's accessible to. You. Medication will help in the short term.

I don't know what your situation as regards access to health care. It sounds as if it would be really useful for you to see a Person centered counsellor who will listen to you without judgement.

It seems to me that you feel alone and lack purpose. I'm not able to advise you about that, but those are things which could be of benefit to you. It would help if you at least talked to someone, a counsellor, about this.

[6ixtyon1]

I would be so unhappy in your situation, too! The smart thing is that you took the time to observe what's going on and why...you should not feel guilty for having feelings. I think we have these insights, because things aren't right and need fixing...and, sometimes when you cannot do the fixing, you know you need to back off and stay out of it.

I have many loved-ones who have troubles and conditions they can't get medical help for, so they turn to alcohol...this is a solution, but from the way you explain it, it's only a stop-gap. I think, maybe, a support group is the way to go, if you don't have insurance, or your insurance won't cover going to a counselor--and finding a good counselor is like finding any good doctor...you are going to need to do your research and ask around. If you have people you've spoken with, for advice, maybe they know of someone who knows someone? Sometimes, patients can make really good suggestions, because they've been through your same struggle. Also, HealthGrades.com is a good site to try and pinpoint help in your area.

I am REALLY sorry that you keep getting hit up for $! Even if it's family, that is so wrong, for what they are spending it upon--and, yes, very unsafe, too! You need to be socking that away for your future, whether it's where you want to retire, or just to cover unexpected medical expenses in your future...I have a craven fear of having to depend upon someone else, in case something happens to me, in the future. Do you feel the same way?

You are worth the attention and healing--if people around you are to "ill" to see that, it still changes nothing! You are worth it--the fact that you care enough to hurt this badly is all the more reason for you to get the support that you deserve! Keep us posted and let us know how things go. If you want help with research, online, let me know & I'll see what I can find out. Blessings, always!

[fauxartist]

Your right to keep out of others drama when you have enough on your plate. I understand having a drink to sleep, but it is also a depressant after the first couple of drinks, so it can make you feel worse. No judgement though...it's a personal choice. I just have to not drink and be clear headed to deal with my past stuff as a kid, and my depression. I have no filters when I'm drinking and if I'm already upset, it's not a good thing. So I don't drink at all. I cannot control it, it controls my emotions and it's almost always bad because I never had dealt with my child abuse stuff and when I was high....unless I was really drunk, I got very sad about it and everything was just worse. So I had to get sober and clean and do therapy, and support group stuff....mostly support group stuff actually taught me how to live a better live and learn self respect and that my past does not have to define me. I will only ever live one day at a time, and will always be a work in progress, but at least now I am able to handle things better, and get over the bad stuff quicker.