Triggered/crying/dissociating

*POTENTIAL TRIGGERS*

Things feel foggy and uncomfortable. I read a story today from a person who was gang raped and wanted to kill herself for 16 years. Then, 4 years ago, she spoke to a media outlet about her story. Before today I'm not sure she'd shared what made her speak out. In her words, it wasn't courage; it was desperation. (I don't really wanna debate the semantics here) She felt there was nothing else to do, that she couldn't continue on without sharing her story.

On Twitter I @ed her regarding my own struggles (PTSD, anxiety, avoidance, severe abandonment, alcoholism) and cited her admission of desperation as an inspiration for me regarding my own recovery--which is just beginning. (I only admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic about a month ago) She messaged me and said that there's no shame in asking for help. Logically I understand that the shame isn't mine, but I still feel ashamed regardless. It's up to me to release what I can't change.

But, after reading her short reply, it really hit me hard: she was validating my pain. As I type this now I'm starting to cry again, because someone who has been through unspeakable horror and come out of the darkness on the other side validated me.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened--a friend or someone getting through to me, to my soul, to the tender spot behind my anger and suffering. When it happens, I sob and sob and at least feel exhausted afterward.

It's happening here too, but what's also happening is the fogginess I mentioned. A lack of mental sharpness. Like I could read a sentence and have it mean the exact opposite of what it actually means, or miss key information or not assimilate it. I'm also angry and feel like I could destroy everything, though of course I won't.

Not sure why I'm writing. Maybe just to write. I have a lot of positive techniques (I haven't had a drop tonight) to help me that I've learned in multiple seminars and mental health programs.

I think maybe I...no, I *definitely* want someone to sit with me in my suffering and just let me cry until I can't cry any more. That should take about 8 years

It also makes me think that I could possibly find others in recovery groups or AA who could validate me (and I them).

Not sure what else to say. I don't have many close friends who live close. A good close hug from someone wonderful would be great. Maybe I could increase the chances of that happening if I go to groups (recovery or otherwise).

[fauxartist]

hello Blorfinator, I am 'dual diagnosed', an incest survivor, an abuse survivor, have CPTSD from emotional and physical abandonment, depression, anxiety, and am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. It's called 'Dual Diagnosis'. Your story sadly is not the only one here on this site. There are many women who are survivors and I am sure some men as well. These secrets we carried are like a poison eating through the vessel for most of our lives, and it has damaged us and only we feel the scars. It's sad that most of us had to live life suffering in silence because our story's no on wanted to hear or could possibly understand. There are many here that understand....your no alone any more.

Often the feeling of fogginess could be a survival instinct that your brain kicks in to save us from our thoughts sometimes, because they are just too much to keep re-living. Many have even more severe effects from abuse, and they can't really cope with living in the real world at all.

I hope you will keep sharing here, I found it very healing and cathartic, and to connect with others who have suffered similar stories was mind blowing to me....all my life I suffered in silence and felt guilt, remorse, self loathing, worthless, and un-lovable because of what was done to me as a kid and young adult....it's not our fault, we didn't do anything wrong, and bad people do bad things to kids, and that's on them. I will tell you that I self medicated to keep those demons and ghosts that haunted me day and night in my dreams, which were mostly night terrors, and all it did, was for a brief time dull the pain, but mostly it made it worse. Addiction is a disease, depression is a disease, and none of it was our fault, so don't feel guilty because of how the cards were dealt to us....we didn't deserve this or want this, but we have to find a way to live with it. There is hope.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you so much. I'm sorry it took some time to reply. I had another depersonalization episode yesterday after my very first true (i.e. committed, instead of my therapist suggesting I go, while I knew at home I had bottles waiting for me) AA meeting. Perhaps I'll write a new post shortly about it. I hope this gets easier because the emotional pain is simply awful and I'm crying again. Crying isn't bad. I've known that the pain I experienced was forced upon me, but now it is my job to cope, and I don't want that job. It hurts so much to cope healthily; I'm not used to it. I have a very low threshold for pain of any kind, so I'm not actively suicidal. It's mostly that I think I entered uncharted territory for myself after many years of booze. Thank you again, I related so much to what you wrote.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

Congrats on your first meeting.... being in the game for a few decades now, I never forget those first few days, weeks and months.... Try to go to a meeting once a day and more if you need to at first....a lot will tell you 30 meetings in 30 days.... that is because we are so vulnerable in that first month that having a daily support meeting is extremely helpful in our sobriety. The other thing I would do is get a sponsor. Someone with at least a decade of sobriety, and good sobriety, not a dry drunk who is bitter and beats you over the head....unless you need tough love.... I didn’t. Then work on getting a call list....listen to people sharing.....and ask after or before the meeting if you can call them for support when your outside the meetings....don’t be discouraged if someone’s lifestyle does not permit them to have any availability.....other people will.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I also didn't know Complex PTSD was even a thing until my brother (who grew up in the same household) told me about it maybe a few months ago.

[Hidden]

well, I don't know you, but here's a big ole virtual hug. You are so strong. We believe in you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you.