Lonely and tired and maybe ungrateful

[eperezdi]

Hi all, I have never done anything like this before. I am usually fine but I am at a low point right now..or for some time. I believe I have always had a bit of anxiety and maybe depression as well but not to the point which I have it now.

I currently have issues in my relationship, with my health and pretty much every aspect of my life to this date. I would consider myself a happy person. I think I am beautiful and smart and all that. I think I just feel very angry at the moment, with everyone..with the world?

I will give you a bit of a back story. Sorry if this post is super long..but it may be.

The past few months I have been experiencing chronic or severe eczema and allergy symptoms. I barely slept one night, I scratched until my arms bled etc. It was horrific and everyone around me cried just looking at me. I am a dancer and so this affected my life so much. And my bf broke up with me during all this and then regretted it and we are still together.

My mom has been suffering a ton..with my sickness that is. She is actually sicker than me. She has panic attacks and I can't be weak around her and that affects me as well. Well anyways long story short, she forced me to come to Ecuador for treatment because none of the doctors in Toronto could help me. One even told me that this is y life forever and that I should prepare myself to live a difficult life.

Currently I am okay and better and under a treatment but I have seen another doctor (because my mom keeps taking me to doctors) and he wants to put me on a completely different treatment plan and it is pretty intense tbh. I just feel so overwhelmed and tired. I don't want to die and I never think about it but right now it feels like it is easier than all of this. I have lost 15 pounds. I haven't danced. I can't sweat atm because it will irritate my eczema. So this means I can't dance or go to the gym or be in the sun.

I am mad at the world. Maybe mad at my mom too even though she left everything to bring me here and to help me. We are spending so much money. I am mad that I have to be on a super strict diet and only wear cotton clothes which basically I look horrible in because I am a twig atm.

I am so tired of trying. I want to be strong for my mom but today I told her I am not happy. I don't even remember what makes me happy. I have called some friends and also my bf. But I have lost many friends in the last few months and I fought with my bf today and he chose to ignore me the whole day and obviously he knows I have anxiety and I cried a lot today. I am just mad. Nobody is there for me...just my mom. I am super grateful for her and I love her so much but I needed my bf today. He disappointed me so much today. I am angry and disappointed. I am awake right now because I feel there is no point in sleeping if I feel this way. I am so scared to keep feeling this low.

I want to get better. I love life and I do love myself. But these days have been so hard. I have no more strength and no more faith left. I am lonely and angry and done. I want to have faith. I want to change but I feel I am getting worse and it is even harder here in Ecuador because I feel so lonely and because I can't really have any hobbies here. It is not safe.

I don't know if I have explained everything properly but that is pretty much it. Just looking for support.

[Iloveart7]

I'm sorry you are going through all that. It sounds real rough and scary. You've came to the right place for support. If you need to talk you can PM me

[Rbca]

Gosh, you are going through a lot and I think most anyone would be feeling just as you are. So, please take self-judgement off game table. You’re life has many challenges right now. It’s ok to feel angry and frustrated and hurt and sad. Plus, trying to talk yourself out how you are feeling actually just keeps those feelings spinning inside.

Perhaps let your boyfriend know what you need. Explain what would be helpful. Sometimes people don’t know what to do or say, so being clear about your needs will be helpful. Further, ask him what he needs from you. You are the other half in the relationship and it might be a really powerful and positive conversation if you both share what you need in order to feel loved and supported by one another.

I’m so sorry you are not able to dance. You are clearly a creative and artistic person, so are there other avenues you could explore. Maybe putting on your favorite music that you dance to and drawing to it would be a good outlet.

Eczema is the worst! I have it too. The frustration over what’s causing it is the pits. You are doing all the right things. Just know this time will pass.

Be kind and gentle with yourself mentally and physically. I know it’s hard and sounds cliche, but try on gratitude. Find things you are grateful for. Keep at it even if it’s hard to at first. Feelings of gratitude actually change the chemistry in the brain. It can make us actually feel happier.

You’re gonna be ok. Promise.

[ChristFollower]

When I am down like what you described...angry too I try to do something for someone else. It takes my mind off my own troubles for a bit and then later I feel good for helping someone out. It seems to work as long as I force myself to do it. Hope this helps in some way. I hope and pray your new treatment help you so you can dance very soon.