It's been a long time since I wrote something here. But I keep falling and falling in this hole and I don't know what to do. I started to cutting myself, and I felt so relieve after doing it. Now I'm afraid of myself because I don't care for my body and scars anymore. Maybe I'm crazy, don't you think? I keep the facade with my family but I don't think I can keep with that any longer.
Why did I do this to me? Is this the end? Am I hoping for the end?
You need to go get help with this, tell a trusted family member and get some professional help. Don't continue Todo this to yourself, please seek help asap.
What people don’t like to acknowledge is that cutting is very effective at providing short term relief. Because it’s so effective at providing relief RIGHT NOW it keeps people coming back like an addiction. You need relief, it can give it to you.
However, for several very important reasons, it is considered to be a negative coping mechanism, meaning while it does work at relieving you’re feelings, it also causes further harm.
You don’t need to feel ashamed that you have been cutting yourself. Untold millions have over the years.
Personally I’ve never cut myself but I’ve had family members, friends and even girlfriends who have. I don’t know that I’m the best person to be telling you what to do but I would recommend finding a list of positive coping mechanisms and trying a bunch to find some that work for you. Exercise, yoga and meditation will help overall, but not in the moment. I would recommend a combination of self care/coping mechanisms that help reduce your overall feelings and at least a couple that can be done at any time, so that if you’re ever at work or school they can be done there for example.
Also, find someone to talk to if you can. Someone you’re comfortable venting to. I tell pretty much everyone I talk to they’re welcome to message me even if it’s just to vent. I may not always have something worth saying but I read every message.
Which reminds me of something that works for some people. Writing down your negative feelings in as much detail as you can manage as you’re feeling them. Get it all out on paper and then once a week or so, safely burn them somewhere. Watch your negative feelings simply fade away to ash.
I hope you find something that works for you and you can avoid cutting yourself in the future. Best of luck in everything and know that the people meant to be in your life will love you either in spite of, or possibly because of all the scars (physically and emotionally) that make you who you are.
You will be OK. You are not alone. But you must stop. People care about you. When you get the feeling to harm yourself. Take a deep breath...or a few deep breaths. Do something that distracts you from these thoughts. I usually work on a Rubiks Cube. Depression and Anxiety can bring a lot of self-guilt. It’s a battle. You can fight it!
In addition, you should also seek help. There is plenty of programs and sites that can help you. Please do.
Please take care of yourself - you deserve to love yourself and not harm yourself.
The type of cutting most depressed people do, in and of itself won't bring long term satisfaction. It does result in more depression after the flush of relief is over. Faulhallen is on to something when he suggests cutting is used as a distraction from depression. Like the overweight person who gets brief relief from eating a big slice of cake. Seems like finding another form of distraction would be very helpful. I don't cut, but I do eat! Quilting is my distraction. My iron and sewing machine are permanently set up, with 2 or 3 projects kitted with all material needed to finish or start on. I have made as many as 3 quilts in a week! And, I've lost weight. Now that I've learned how effectively substituting an unwanted behavior with one I can enjoy works for me, I'm trying it for depression. Instead of covering up my head in bed, this summer I've gone outside and taken a nap in one of our big chairs. The vitamin D is helpful, and the chair is just uncomfortable enough that I can't sit too long. By then my depression is less devastating and I can function. It took a while before these new distractions became more routine, but I'm stubborn!
Please find something that will do for you what you're hoping cutting will do. I'm sending you a great big bouquet of hope and distractions, and love. Enjoy!
As someone else stated, SIB (self injurious behaviors) do provide that short term relief. there's pressure released when someone cuts, but this is never a solution for the long term. Are you in any sort of counseling? There are a ton of ways to find to cope/manage SIB. Find your trigger is a good start and can be done with the help of a professional. best wishes and prayers moving forward.
What to do when made feel worthless by own mother 
Stuck
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
