Marriage failure: 4am Sunday morning... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Marriage failure

9753 profile image
9753
12 Replies

4am Sunday morning. Wife's in bed asleep. She spent all Saturday doing stuff without me. And she came to bed about 2:30 in the morning ask me if she should give the cat some of the special cat food I said yes but I'm always leaving you out the fact it my heart is breaking and I feel like I'm just dying inside I sometimes think about hurting myself I just feel alone all the time and I don't think I can keep doing this to myself and I'm afraid for my future with my wife of 14 years I can't imagine life without her anymore but if I don't get away from her permanently I may end up hurting myself God help me.

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9753 profile image
9753
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9753 profile image
9753

It's a very long story it started 16 years ago our relationship. We had a argument 3 weeks ago my big sister was involved. She's kind of a b****. It appeared as though she's trying to drive a wedge between us and involve herself in my marriage but she doesn't like the fact that I want her to stay out of my marriage. I have been trying to talk about it but. She doesn't like to talk about it. I'm alone inside my own head and it's driving me crazy. FYI there's a lot more to the entire story obviously after 16 years and I appreciate you talking to me about it. I need this. Thank you for listening.

9753 profile image
9753

Yes. Both. And I hate admitting I have a problem. I see myself as weak. And it's not like me. I feel I need her and her not being there for me hurts.

9753 profile image
9753

Thank you stranger.

Hello9753,

Writing to you know, shipforas I willship forover a week, and the internet can go off line periodically as we travel. It is our business to be on a ship about once a month to meet and greet and entertain with our clientele....but this week is special as it is out 10th anniversary and the cruise line gave this cruise for a week or so. Both my husband and I had been divorced for at least 1-3 decades and married latter in life than most people. Neither one of us thought we would every marry again.

I decided to divorce my former husband of almost 20 years ago., I finally decided I had to leave once I raised his wonder son from a child to a productive young man on his own, entirely different personality than his father....I worked but was also feeling so lonely. The people I had good relationships in my occupation, wondered why I never did anything with them socially....it was because he never wanted to do that with me unless it was a doctor or other professional business CEO that he might gain as a client, or I was afraid of how he would act out or how much he would drink...and he was a high ranking executive of a major international banking corporation. How could I ever deal with them again after a night with him?

Like you, I was married but was always lonely lt except when I was working as represntaive of a large hospital corporation and met as many people has he did in his position. His first wife divorced him after 17 years of marriage, for so some of the same reasons I did.

As I mentioned before, you need to start thinking of yourself, if your wife wouldn't talk about how you feel and wouldn't go to counseling with you. Waking you up after you had been asleep for hours to ask if she could feed the cat is not normal, it's rude and controlling. And you let her get away with this behavior. Did she wake you up again when she finally came to bed? I would not do that, I would sleep in our extra bedroom if I couldn't sleep.

If your marriage is not making you happy, and she decides when she is going to allow yourself to be with her, you need to start a personal life of your own with friends.

You need to lessen your feelings of loneliness but pushing your reluctance out of the way to take chances on meeting other people....about the golf driving range....why not check with the manager and see if he knows others who might like to do that with you....and again, check the library for clubs or other organizations you might feel interesting and try them out.

I don't know what else is going on between you and your wife, but the more satisfied in your life without her, the happier you'll be. And your independence may be noticed by her and encourage her to talk with you, go to counseling or be a bit concerned you aren't so needy to be with her 24/7.

You also are asking for help and saying you are so lonely and it's hard to make new friends, and we either sympathize with you or give you suggestions on how to make new friends....try doing some of that, and tell your wife how much you enjoyed being with her when you do something together.

But keep writing, we are here. My best wishes to you.xoxo.

Had to

9753 profile image
9753 in reply to

Had to what?

9753 profile image
9753 in reply to

Thank you so much.

9753 profile image
9753 in reply to

You have been a help. Thank you...

in reply to 9753

Had to go because it was bedtime, and my husband was asking me to close the laptop...obviously that didn't transmit Sorry.

9753 profile image
9753 in reply to

No problem

vwatson profile image
vwatson

Hello,

If you are struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide I would seek help. I know that can feel like a weakness, but it is vital to taking care of yourself.

Perhaps when both your wife and you have a moment, sit down and talk calmly about what you feel you're both missing or need from your marriage.

Obviously I don't know the whole story, but talking with others or with your wife will hopefully help some.

Best wishes

CaptainCrunch profile image
CaptainCrunch

Truthfully marriage doesn't have to make you happy. I don't think that is the initial goal. If it is you may be doing it for selfish reasons and people will just let you down. Happiness or what I like to think of more as peace and joy come from within your own spirit. We can have mercy and grace for our spouse but we also need to have healthy boundaries. Good boundaries are painful to put in place because if you are like me you may be a push over. And eventually a doormat. And if you set a boundary your spouse is definitely going to react and in my situation she was very passive aggressive which ment she wouldn't talk for me for weeks. If a spouse is doing something to hurt you physically there is no a cause for this and you need to take care of yourself. If you spouse won't communicate you have to try to learn to be healthy enough as your own individual. Let them have their fit. They will probably threaten to leave but that is just them trying to regain control.

I lived in a very unhealthy relationship for 16 years. It turns out my wife was even cheating on me. She was trying to fill her bottomless cup and looking for happiness in all the wrong places. She had her own baggage she never dealt with and I was enabling her to treat me like garbage. Final I broke one day and moved out. After that she realized her affair partner really wasn't what she wanted either. On top of that once she now had the freedom to move on with him and he dumped her... the world is a mess and people are capable of doing such horrible things.... she went through 3 years of recognizing what she had done and humbling herself before God and me. She really became a different person. Freakishly different. Very humble and empathic. She eventually confessed to the affairs. And wanted to work it out but I was so hurt and angry that I filed for divorce. I told her if I were to even consider reconciliation I would want completely custody of my children. She litteraly crawled into the courtroom bawling and signed over all custody for our 3 sweet babies as a first step to regaining trust. She said,"it is time for me to trust in the Lord."

I forgive my wife. I Love her differently now. I see her differently now. She knows I have no reason to trust her but when we chose to be with someone it is a choice and a gift not to be taken lightly. So everything is better than it has ever been in our marriage. I don't know what the future holds for us or for you and your spouse. I shared my story in hopes to show that things can be really ugly, hopeless at times but change is possible. Please don't let yourself continue to be abused. Communicate and go to couples therapy if you can. Please keep in touch.

CPLogan profile image
CPLogan in reply to CaptainCrunch

I absolutely love your response. You are correct on so many points. Forgiving your wife is showing her grace. We are all entitled to that. Your story of hope in the midst of a storm is very encouraging. God bless you!

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