A Look at Life from a Lower Balcony. - Anxiety and Depre...

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A Look at Life from a Lower Balcony.

Tikirob profile image

I have memories of being younger with a hint of hope for a happier future. My idea of life was small, just me and my friends and waiting for magic to happen. We were derelicts who could laugh and keep our selves busy with nothingness. That time was very important but if you heard me talk about it I might just get the lonely old man label. Bringing up the namesakes of players that have no meaning to you as if you remembered them too. What do I do with this old skin? My view of everything now is from a lower balcony. I see young people with sweetness, the conditions that guide there paths with disdain. All the gatherings I once had are gone. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years are nonevents. I get the same feeling on those days as I do when traveling in my car and pulling over after 3 hours into a random rest stop. Going to the bathroom and hearing quiet interrupted only by the buzzing of fluorescent lights. Not so much that something as that maybe there is nothing there.

My greatest view is suns and clouds over the beach and southern bay. The airplanes make noise and keep me from being too disconnected from human activity. My fathers birthday just passed. About 5 years ago I would have went with my girlfriend to my parents house with a present and some dessert. This year I sent him an emailed photograph I took of a man looking out on the horizon at ship and told him it reminded me of him (happy birthday) Suprisingly he write back that he loved me. When I was younger this would have been magic and now older it was nice to read but I have a higher perspective on that. When people write, I Love or I Hope as in I hope you feel better I go out onto the balcony to feel less alone. It’s the people that choose to be a part of your in person who really have said it best. Otherwise words like the value of the times you had when you were younger start to slowly disappear.

11 Replies

Here's my thought on getting old..of course we miss the good ol times..but we can't turn back the clock.it sucks..that's fact.I look at getting old as..we must all face the fact we r all going to slowly turn into gnomes or smurfs.our ears get bigger,noses get bigger and we shrink in height n start sounding like papa smurf.Memories don't entirely go away..they just fade alittle.I've had 2 head injuries n took lots of meds for 20 years.I concern myself with what's gonna be my new memories..and what's in front of me.if I looked back at what I've lost..I'd be in a padded room.Plus..being older u can say n do stuff n get away with it easier:)

Tikirob profile image
Tikirob in reply to

There are definitely some advantages. When I was young I was never excited to have tea in a Limoges cup with butter cookies from a tin canister. I get it now, th simplicity of good things, pies, walks, Operas, or an early bird dinner. I spend 2 hours in a diner reading or drawing and with each coffee refill smirk gratefully. But I am sad to see the world get small. I’m smarter but where can go spend your smarts these days? On the internet I read quite often but don’t feel a need to see the Great Wall of China or wait on line at the Panama Canal. All the greatest books on spiritual things and my most precious conversations with God still happen in my quiet bed at night. I think you got it right it’s best to always check concentrate on making memories. Thanks for that advice.

in reply to Tikirob

I don't know where u live,but just finding humor in the smallest things can help ya get through the day, and look at things in a better light.

Im having a real tough day today..but Im STILL trying to find humor somewhere/anywhere.

Got anything that would crack me up?

Tikirob profile image
Tikirob in reply to

I live in Queens, N.Y. I don’t have a funny story but if misery loves company then perhaps this will serve to make the mood more light.

Yesterday I went out to an auction in a town I was unfamiliar with and so I kept my eyes focused equal on the road and my phone navigation. An hour later in the dark I see the auction house lit up with its sign and a big empty parking lot right there next to it which surprised me because there were lots of good items up for bid. I got my paddle and saw a whole group of people making bids and checking out the items all around. I did the same and then I thought, ‘hmmm something doesn’t seem right about that parking lot if all these people are here?” So I go to the front office and ask the lady why is no one parked in the lot is there something wrong with it? She replies, “ what lot did you bid on?” I said ‘no, the parking lot’, to which she claims they don’t have any! I then use fliers and cardboard to make a visual presentation of the big open parking area right next to the auction house which I thought was really unnecessary since it was my first time there and she’s been working there it seemed for a long time. Finally she concedes to knowing the area I am talking about and warns me I should check on my car because sometimes the people who run that lot lock it. I go out and sure enough my car is locked up in a fenced lot that when I entered it had no fence in the entrance too it. I came back panicked as to what I can do and the lady said she did not know but will see if there was a number I could call. Turns out there wasn’t and I was told my best bet would be to come in the morning to see if I could get my car out from the other business with one small sign unlit to that indicate it did not belong to the auction house. Problem was my house keys were in the car and I lived over an hour a way. So I ended up taking an Uber to a hotel 15 minutes away where although there were plenty of rooms available I had to pay NYC prices for a bed. I was so nervous about getting the car I did not sleep and in the background heard all the negative news that was playing on the tv about various horrific catastrophes.

Well at 7 am I got an Uber that got lost went 30 mins out of the way and then reached my destination waited another 40 mins in the cold cause till I finally was able to talk to someone and get my car out. And I was able to but with my anxiety disorder I was having a panic attack that I would have to pay a fee or something and thank God I did not.

I went to an auction and ended up bidding on a hotel.

Beautiful view and beautiful thoughts. I wish I had that kind of scenery!

Tikirob profile image
Tikirob in reply to

Oh that’s so nice if you!

Tikirob profile image
Tikirob in reply to

Thanks! It needs to be edited I see so many typos and errors...next time!

Tikirob profile image
Tikirob in reply to Tikirob

Oh jeez I already replied to you before sorry!

I like the saying: 'your only as old as you feel'...so when the little ones are here during the week....it's regressive therapy....because to understand them and really communicate with them...you look at life on their level, and guide them gently, and with love. I wished I had that kind of childhood, but now at least in my old age I can give what I didn't get. You said you were surprised your father wrote back, and it spoke to me. Sometimes we feel we missed out on so much in life, and some of us did,.. as I missed having a loving and attentive parent, and we reminisce on those days past, good and bad....and then leave it in the past and look out the window and live in the here and now or I live in regret. Life is what we make it, and even though we were not dealt the best hand to begin with sometimes....now that I'm older, I can change that which I can.... and do my best to be in the moment, and continue healing.

Tikirob profile image
Tikirob in reply to fauxartist

That’s great, I need to let healing be my motivation, more often it’s me yelling at myself that I F’d up again! My cousin just told me today that I need to start talking to myself like I’m my own best friend.

fauxartist profile image
fauxartist in reply to Tikirob

I think as adults we often didn't realize how much our childhood had effected our self image, or self worth in cases like mine where I had an overly critical and dismissive parent who nothing I did was ever good enough....that can drag you down as an adult and does really stick with you when your at the low point of this disease. Your never too old to change that and heal....and we are really only as old as we feel inside, forget about nature ravaging our husks....it's inevitable....but our minds can always dream and find a way.... learn something new everyday.....

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