I have memories of being younger with a hint of hope for a happier future. My idea of life was small, just me and my friends and waiting for magic to happen. We were derelicts who could laugh and keep our selves busy with nothingness. That time was very important but if you heard me talk about it I might just get the lonely old man label. Bringing up the namesakes of players that have no meaning to you as if you remembered them too. What do I do with this old skin? My view of everything now is from a lower balcony. I see young people with sweetness, the conditions that guide there paths with disdain. All the gatherings I once had are gone. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years are nonevents. I get the same feeling on those days as I do when traveling in my car and pulling over after 3 hours into a random rest stop. Going to the bathroom and hearing quiet interrupted only by the buzzing of fluorescent lights. Not so much that something as that maybe there is nothing there.
My greatest view is suns and clouds over the beach and southern bay. The airplanes make noise and keep me from being too disconnected from human activity. My fathers birthday just passed. About 5 years ago I would have went with my girlfriend to my parents house with a present and some dessert. This year I sent him an emailed photograph I took of a man looking out on the horizon at ship and told him it reminded me of him (happy birthday) Suprisingly he write back that he loved me. When I was younger this would have been magic and now older it was nice to read but I have a higher perspective on that. When people write, I Love or I Hope as in I hope you feel better I go out onto the balcony to feel less alone. It’s the people that choose to be a part of your in person who really have said it best. Otherwise words like the value of the times you had when you were younger start to slowly disappear.