Hey everyone! Brian here. Usually I try to post things that are positive in nature and generally uplifting. But, much as I'd like to say I don't feel this way, truth of the matter is I do.
I don't think I'm ever going to find someone special.
Believe me, I don't say that lightly. As much as I want to hope that I'm wrong and especially after all the nice things you guys have said to me, I feel I can't escape the feeling that I'm destined to remain a bachelor.
It's not that I doubt everything you guys keep telling me. I believe it, I do. But, by nature, I'm a realist. I can see what is going on around me. Media and popular people in society lead us to believe you have to act a certain way, dress a certain way, think a certain way and so on.
I'm not built like a Greek Adonis. I've been overweight since I was a teenager.
I'm not into the latest fads. I know what I like and I'm not gonna like things just because someone tells me to.
I have my own fashion sense. Basically, if it fits and is comfortable, then I like it.
I enjoy my hobbies and interests. I don't try to force them on anyone.
I have my own philosophical beliefs. I believe in the 'Agree to Disagree' principle when I don't see eye to eye with someone and I don't try to bully someone into agreeing with my way of thinking.
Living in a small town, finding people who think the same way or feel the same way is extremely problematic. Meeting places are even more scarce. I also no longer have the patience to play games or to be led around by the nose with the promise of a relationship, yet watch as it never happens.
I've always been afraid of winding up in a relationship where one of, or a combination of, four types of women. They are:
1) Someone with rage issues
2) Someone who has a alcohol/illicit drug habit
3) Someone who's got 'baby issues' or
4) Someone who's got 'baby daddy issues'
I also don't want to have to compete for attention with a smartphone. Sorry, I can't talk to a smartphone nor do I wish to try.
I'm sure many of you out there who aren't in relationships will find someone very special and important to you. When it happens, I wish you all the best and I'm sure that you'll enjoy every happiness possible. But as for me, there are times I feel like that special someone just doesn't exist. I'm just an old soul, a throwback to a bygone era.
Your friend,
Brian
Written by
bridder01
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Well there are zillions of ladies in the world who need love and need a good man so don’t give up so easily my friend. What if there’s a woman out there who feels exactly as you do. That she will NEVER find a man who would love her because she’s “overweight”, likes quirky stuff from bygone eras, etc. Would you ever think she was a hopeless case??? No way, cuz you can see how fun and beautiful she is. Don’t sell yourself short. Try a dating site for folks you can relate to, it seems there are so many for all different kinds of people. And if she lives far away, she’s probably up for the adventure of moving or vice versa. Don’t you dare give up on sharing your life and soul with someone. You are a catch!!
Well, thanks for the kind words Lisa. As for dating sites, I'm not too big into those. I've tried them in the past and was never happy with what was on them. And I never sell myself short. I'm 6 foot 3 inches, after all lol
Brian, that's great never have to sell myself short! At any rate, I know you live in a small town- but when you are up for it- you never know where you will meet someone- probably when you are not looking! At any rate, I know you are taking care of your own medical needs now, and I wish you continued relief with that! In the mean time you experience different kinds of love- the kind with family, friends and of course those of us on here!
It wasn't cool when I was a kid. All the boys tried to pick fights with me to see if they could beat me up. I would've taken being short in a heartbeat lol
Something spoke out to me as I read your post. You have a strong sense of AUTHENTICITY. I can also tell that you are very deep and sensitive. Guess what? Woman love that! Especially the conscious, healthy, well-balanced ones you desire to mingle with.
I can see how being in a small town can make it hard to believe in that dream. Limited people also means limited mindsets. Individual expression is more difficult because you are more reliant on those few around you (think tribalism). It can be like magnified patriotism, shunning those who are not part of the team.
I also know what it’s like to feel ostracized for nonconformity to socially acceptable or attractive appearances. I have Asperger’s syndrome and experienced significant teasing and bullying as a kid. It took me until after college and finding my true tribe to realize that I’m not a “loser”, “freak”, or “loner”. I just don’t resonate with most people in mainstream society. It doesn’t necessarily mean that me or the mainstream is better; there’s just a big level of incompatibility. Like you said, we can all agree to disagree. And taking that a step further is to go and find your tribe- wherever they may be: on the internet, in another town, in a club or scene you’ve always been interested, in but too afraid to explore. Now is an exciting time to push your perspective a bit farther, deeper, to be proud of your beliefs and convictions and values. If you stand in that with confidence I think you’ll find a lot of opportunities open up to you. Drop in to what’s important to you, in your heart.
Thanks for your kind words Ash. Right now, I'm pretty much just a tribe of one. I look pretty silly trying to go on the warpath lol. But I get what you're saying. I do have a group here and there that I belong to (which are online), and I'm happy with those. But I'm always on the lookout for new experiences. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have come here.
What if I told you Brian I didn't meet my real life soul mate till I was almost 60 yrs. old....and told you that I first met them on-line.....got to know them, and they me....and then we got to know each other in person for some time, didn't rush.....and found out we really loved each other....I'm a bit Rubenesque, older, and no Aphrodite either...but none of it matters to the one who loves you for just who you are. That was seven years ago and still going strong. I believe in my heart....that when the right person comes along...you will know it. Do not compare yourself to any of that media hype crap...don't change a thing. Be the beautiful man you are...and just give it the time it takes. When I had a major change in my life..like major major....I had lost everything, and everyone, friends passed, 15 year relationship that was nothing but a marriage of convenience really, and a lot more stuff. I was truly finished with finding true love. I settled for the wrong person and paid the price for it, I wasn't going to do it again. I was in a bad place....and over time when I had to go through a healing process....and I felt better....out of the blue....yep... cupid, but this time....I made sure it was the real deal.....and glad I waited for it.
Thanks for your kind words Artist. I never give up! I just have the white flag waving at all times, that's all. lol I guess I just stopped looking a long time ago. I haven't been in a serious relationship ever. I think the longest relationship I had was less than 2 months, and that was over 15 years ago. Honestly, I don't think I'd know what to do if I ever landed in a relationship. I guess this is something I've made peace with a long time ago. If it does happen, then great. If not....well, I'm not going to lose sleep over it. In life, you have to take the bitter with the sweet. I've only just started to be comfortable with myself, to like myself even. At this stage, I'll take it. I'm not going to ask for more. I'm at peace with myself for once. I'm ok with that
I think if I may suggest....don't close the doors quite yet my friend....and just let life happen....you shouldn't have to work too hard at a relationship when it happens....because usually your with someone who 'Gets You'.... It's rare to find that someone ...and I do believe they come into our lives when we are ready for it. I wasn't ready for most of my young life, and I made some bad choices....I was too damaged...and too sick emotionally....I had to get and feel healthier mentally and emotionally..... We all want to be loved and to love....it's our basic nature.... it's a matter of letting ourself be loved by the person who can mutually do the same for you as you do for them. I do believe that there is somebody out there for everyone....hang in there Bri...your a catch...most women would kill for a guy like you who is kind, and smart, and strong with good character, and caring...
I also am a believer in getting involved with groups of like minded people...social groups with people like yourself with similar interests....enjoy life and do things with people like you....baby steps.....only what your comfortable with....everyone is self concious really...and has a certain amount of social anxiety....but if your with people who have similar likes....that's one hurdle you have already overcome.
This is such an amazing inspirational story ! I love to hear how people met or even how people went on a journey to find themselves x so happy for you x
Oh Brian I'm so sorry you feel this way! Ya know you never know what tomorrow will bring!! Wishing you nothing but the best!!! Love & Hugs!!! XXX
Thankfully there is more to life than romantic love.....so much more! Some of the most interesting, productive, and by their own admission...happiest people I know have always been single. The key is learning how to be present, fully engaged, and happy in the moment. Not thinking about finding someone all the time. Just. Be. You. My thoughts....for what it's worth....
I believe that too....some of my happiest and most productive times in my life were when I was on my own....I loved it....
in reply to
This is something i agree with too! X good message to share Paris thanks 💕
For onceeee I don’t agree with you my friend! You have absolutely so much to offer that people need and are looking for! Your heart is honestly so sweet and giving . And you’re different too which I think is important ... (everyone seems to be morphing into one another these days )
Imagine someone else telling you this... a woman who felt she didn’t look ‘the right way’ or wasn’t into ‘the right things’ and she felt she’ll never find love... I bet you’d have the most amazing advice for her right?
You will find someone...
before finding my husband I was in bed for 2 years wasting away severely depressed with no treatments .... On top My lung condition means theres so much I can’t do and so many treatments I have to do all day... I thought who on earth would put up with that!? A NURSE!!! My hubby is a flipppin nurse wouldya believe it !? Haha x trust me and most of all trust your heart sweet friend x 🎈
it's important for us to share the positives Hope.....it gives others the realization that love is possible for everyone. There are always ups and downs in any relationship....but learning to grow together through them is amazing...that's love.
Brian-who knows what the future holds. But I can say you are in a very healthy place with yourself and your values (what is important to you). If the right woman comes along, you will know it is meant to be because she will pass the test of what you need.
From your posts, you sure seem like a great guy! I share the same sense of fashion as you and I like what I like and and open to new things, but will not change the things I like.
From middle school through the age of 32, I only dated a few girls. I can count using less than one hand. I was a virgin too. I met my wife online on a website called Dream Mates, though not sure if it exists. This was back early part of the 2000's.
She and I emailed each other (off the site) for at least 2 months. When I finally had the guts to ask her out, she said yes. We traded pictures during that time. I'm by far not the most attractive guy and I'm about 30lbs overweight. She was and is really cute, but also overweight, no big deal, what's inside is so much more important! With all the health issues I ended up having, I'm lucky we found each other.
We don't share many common interests, but always make it work. We have an 8 year old together. We've been married almost 13 years, and married late, at 36. We had our son at 40!
My point is going to be the same as you've heard and the same as many other have/will post.
Put yourself out there, get on a dating site, like Match.com. Try it, be willing to open up a little. It's not easy, I am really shy. It pretty much too her to ask me if I was ever going to kiss her to finally kiss her! LOL. So believe me, I know somewhat how you feel.
Metal, that story is so great, wanted to appreciate your opening up. I think it’s a good way that Brian could meet someone, slowly. And his personality shines in words alone; imagine in person!
Thank you Strong! I appreciate your comments. Yes, I agree. I wish he and I lived closer, I'd love to meet him in person. I think online is a great way to meet. Take your time, get to know the individual and then meet. On our first date, in person, we had a great time, just went out for coffee/dinner, nothing fancy. We started talking and never stopped, we never had that awkward moment of silence. It was great! Believe me, if I can do it anyone can.
Bri, I've been in 4 long term committed relationships through the years, and I can say that 3 of 4 were with women who were narcissistic.
My first committed monogamous relation was two years and she really was a great soul, but her family was not good enough for my father's standards, and for the entire two years I was subjected to his tyranicle lecturing and badgering about her family and about how if I got her pregnant or married her my life would be sh!t.
In a moment of stupidity I broke it off with her, and was shocked that she was so upset when I did, because I thought so poorly of myself, I actually thought I was doing her a favor. Seriously Bri, a piece of my died right then and there, because I really did care for her very much, and in that moment I also discovered she really did care about me, and that she was out of my life for good at the same time. There's more about what happened in that moment, but It's stuff I'm not going to type endlessly, and probably would be lost in translation through text-only communications with no inflection, no face to face expressiveness and so forth, and that's a shame too.
The 2nd was 14 years with a diagnosed (DSM IV type, not DSM V "fluff" type) Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer, who, years after that relationship ended revealed to me that her real diagnosis all along was actually Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That explains a LOT.
I have now seen, as evidenced by my next two long term relations, ( 9 years and 2 years), that I have been choosing women who resemble my narcissistic father's persona and that's just, well, both "very common" and "very unhealthy."
In any case, you said in a post above, "I've only just started to be comfortable with myself, to like myself even." That's key, brother. There's an old saying that I have seen the truth in again and again. It sounds trite, and I'd originally discounted it as largely bullschmidt, but it turns out I was 100% wrong, and that It's true, in not most often, then ALL WAYS. Here it is.
Men fall in love with women hoping they will never change, because we love them just the way they are. Women fall in love with men's "potential to be molded into their 'ideal man.'" In other words, even adult girls want to play "paper dolls," but in real life. I'm sure there are those that will das-agree, but then again, not everyone is very self-aware either. lol
Here's a piece of music that has resonated with me, because it has shown itself to be true in my life, and gives me hope that maybe one day, and maybe even soon . . .
Well……..I have a tendency to gather a lot of replies! lol Thank you to all who replied! For those whom I haven't answered personally, let me see if I can answer of the questions:
To Paris: I try to be in the moment. Doesn't always work and I'm still learning, but I do try lol
To Elliott: I wouldn't exactly say I'm a catch lol But I do appreciate the sentiment
To AZ: Yes, the future is unwritten. Just wish it wasn't so murky all the time lol
To b1b1b1: 'Baby Daddy Issues' is when my significant other's ex is either absent from his child's life or he tries to destroy the relationship his ex (my significant other - I think lol) is currently in. I've seen it more times than I care to count. Again, thank Jerry Springer for throwing a spotlight on that lol As to your other question, I'll get to that in a sec.
To metalminded: I would rather French kiss a skunk than use dating sites at the moment lol Not ruling out the possibility in the future, but I have had a horrible track record with dating sites in the past.
To Old Soul: Thanks for the song! Always love some Van Halen! I guess I have just been burned so much, especially from a very early age, that I've grown accustomed of being on my own. I relish my freedom and independence, perhaps too much. Besides, after watching way too much Snapped and Deadly Women and shows of the like, I feel a shade bit jaded by the prospect. Call it Worse Case Scenario syndrome. I come by it honestly, from my mother lol (I still love my mom though )
To get back to b1's other question.....that's a very good question. It's also gonna be a dealbreaker for most women.
I simply do not want children. Plain and simple.
There are several reasons why. A few legitimate reasons, a lot that are mainly just to ward off 'evil spirits', so to speak. I won't go into the majority of them at this time, but I will highlight 2 that are the most relevant.
1) Cancer. Or, more specifically, the radiation treatment that I'll be receiving to treat the cancer. As the tumor is in my right groin, well, let's just say it's a little too close for comfort to the 'family jewels'. My radiation oncologist has warned me that I'll have a better than 70% chance of becoming sterile once the treatment is completed. If it's a choice between potentially fathering a child and actually living long enough to change my tune about it, I'd choose the latter option. To me, defeating the cancer is more than a fair trade off.
2) Heredity. A few years before my father passed away, he revealed some of his family's medical history. Now, I'll say right off the top here, my father and his immediate family were not close. To say his relationship with his parents was 'frosty' would be a massive understatement. But, I did learn that the mental illness I suffer from (severe clinical depression) was passed down from his mother's side of the family. He gave me several examples of uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents that were all over the spectrum of mental illness, ranging from bipolar disorder to manic depression to Borderline Personality Disorder and other areas in between. Throw into a rare few cases an addiction to alcohol, and it proved highly destructive. What does this have to do with not wanting children? Simply put, knowing that mental illness is lurking in my genetic makeup scares me to death and I simply don't want to pass it on to my children. Knowing what I had to endure, what I still endure, and the torment and torture it has caused me across the years of my life has made me determined not to have children of my own. No child should ever have to go through the things I did, both socially and internally in my mind. I can't do it. I won't do it. I don't want my daughter/son to grow up with that, and I don't want to worry about my child trying to commit suicide, as I did when I was a teenager, or worse still, actually committing suicide. It would break me, emotionally and spiritually. My mom was horrified to learn that I tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions when I was a teen. And this is over 20 years after the fact. I simply don't want to have a child of mine go down that dark, dangerous path that I've had to walk. That I still walk even now. I have suicidal thoughts every second of every hour of every day. It is with me, constantly. I've been able to master enough sheer willpower to force it into the background noise in my head. Nevertheless, it is there, waiting for a moment when my guard is down, to strike.
Sometimes, I wonder if the rewards of being in a relationship - any kind of relationship -
are worth the risks. That, I cannot answer. I honestly don't know. Lack of practical experience and an overriding, deep-seeded fear of people - women in particular - lead me to believe that the risks simply aren't worth it. I may be wrong on that score. But it is very - no, extremely - difficult for me to tell. I simply do not know. And that, most of all, scares me to death.
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Anxiety over Abandonment Ruins my life
My life is meaningless and it scares me
My life keeps getting worse
