Breakthrough

[Orangeblossom85]

I was tested not once by psychologist as I have this tremendous fear I am psychologically sick and need to know what is my sickness. I need a code and Wikipedia page for it. Since I was a super small girl my brother and my mother would called my crazy or psychologically sick, weirdo, and more that i wouldn’t be able to translate at all.

All of that tests always show that I have very small or even zero levels of anger or aggression. That I cannot shout. That I don’t curse. That I hardly ever loose control over my behavior.

So it happened today. I got so extremely angry with my parents and my life situation that I just shouted at my mother like “crazy”. And the moment I was shouting I heard all of those things I would be said whenever I would become even slightly angry or just unhappy with what they were pushing me to do... with any kind of disagreement from my side.

I got it now that this fear of being called crazy or as called by my mother - that devils possess me - I would simply stuck it all inside me to the level that I wouldn’t even feel anger at all. But here it was today. Boiled in me for four hours of struggle to cope with everything that is happening around me and for none of this anybody had my consent, no one cared for asking btw. It’s obvious that I do not have any kind of permission to decide about me or my things whenever my parents are close by. They will do whatever they think it’s “right”, behind my back especially.

So I was shouting and banging my hands over my tights. I might have jumped few times too. I was very furious. And my mum begun to pray to god to help me and to make the devil go away. That’s definitely healthy reaction...

my father said - have you lost your mind?

Then they were saying that all of the neighbors will listen, that they will call police... that what will people say. That I’m crazy. That I have an “attack”. That I am unstable. They were muttering those words....... and the whole shouting lasted less than minute!

Moreover to me my anger is very understandable and it’s so easy to explain. Why my parents cannot see that their control but also disabling me from making my decisions and doing whatever they want in my back can lead me to anger?

How liberated I feel now. I see that all my life I was extremely afraid to show my disagreement, to shout and fight when needed, to draw my borders and keep them strong... I was afraid of all of that only because my parents scared me so much that police will come and take me away. That I will be locked in psychiatric ward. That they will tight my body... that I’m crazy in the worst possible way. I am so petrified of all of this.

But now when I look - my “attack” lasted maximum a minute... which neighbor would care if they themselves sometimes shout at each other for months.. my parents fought all my childhood and it would last days... How can I be crazy to simply show that it’s too much for me to handle and I don’t want my borders to be each and everyday violated. I don’t feel crazy at all with my reaction... I actually feel now more normal than ever.

[Agora1]

Orangeblossom, today was the day you were finally liberated from your parents. You realized that it's okay to be yourself. You shouldn't have to live in fear of everything you say or do by being ridiculed by the people who are suppose to love you. I'm so sorry you had to tolerate this mental abuse starting as a child. Today may very well be the start of you going forward and getting back the life you so deserve. xx

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Agora1]

I hope for it so much Agora. Thank you!

[Agora1 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

You are a talented, beautiful young woman don't let anyone take that inner spark

away from you. When you first came on this forum, I admired who you were. That

person is still within you waiting to be released and live the good life. My best to you. xx

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you very much, Agora!

I am not of the best people though, I commited really awful sins..

I don't think thats there anything to admire. BUT! I am willing to change and I really want to be a better person, I really want to be healthy, stable and free. I wish that to all of us here. And i hope for it!

[fauxartist]

the devil has nothing to do with mental illness.... is your mother or brother a licensed psychiatrist to diagnose what your issues are? Even a train therapist would not call you crazy.... I think your frustration is warranted frankly....being told your nuts by people who are probably 'really' the ones who are nuts for doing this to you is damaging. They are toxic and abusive and you didn't not deserve that...when we feel our boundaries are being repeatedly crossed....we will get angry....that's normal.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you, Faux! I am so grateful and so happy to see you responding to my post. Its really important to me to be listened, its actually the biggest help and it makes me go further and further. Thank you!

I must tell you that everyday of my life until the moment i went to psychiatric hospital my brother and my mother would call me the most awful words and all of them would be connected with mental illness. Its not only "crazy". I am so petrified (i would gladly wrote was...) that I'm sick and that my mind does something completely different then my perception allows me to measure. I always question what do i think, i need to ask people around me to confirm and validate my decision as i am always afraid that i will do bad to others.. Hence I do think that i have dependable personality disorder. And another hence - whenever i say that i "have" something, i get second thoughts... Its very difficult for me to trust my own self. I hope that I will be able to correct that and to live my life fully.

My brother and my mother were always hyper toxic to me. The worst is that whenever I say something that happened in the past they laugh at me and say that this has never happened and my child mind has twisted it. I never know whats white or black whenever Im close to them - my mum will call black a thing today and tomorrow out of nowhere it will change its color to white.. and she will gladly make me feel so crazy. and "unstable".

I am so committed to bring a change to my life. Yesterday after my shouting I laid in bed and manage to calm down myself way faster than I would generally do while typically holding it all inside of me. I managed to sleep well and wake up pretty rested. I was very happy that I got the courage to come to my mind, not to blame myself for overreacting or for shouting or for making my neighbors uncomfortable. What counted for me was my liberation and the feeling that my emotions are validated, true and real. I was so very happy that I was able to express something that wasn't made up or exaggerated. Its a great step for me. Thank you for standing with me. Its very helpful.

[Calm_mama]

Orangeblossom I'm so very happy for you. You are seeing things more clearly and developing the confidence you need to feel not only "normal" but quite integrated and assertive. Keeping you in my thoughts

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Calm_mama]

Thank you, Mama!

I really want to see things clearly and to trust myself in what i see. I am so very happy for my gained conscience and for feeling right and validated and not made up or ... twisted.

I dream about assertiveness, maybe Ill get there soon.

Thank you very much for being here with me!

Sending you much of love!

[NCAQuilter]

What a lesson for all of us. Don't tolerate fools.

You are certainly NOT crazy for finally speaking up about their abuse. In fact it may be one of your more intensely sane moments. Crazy is an outdated word now used by uninformed people to try to keep others in their place. You are finally free.

Hopefully, now, you will be able to express yourself and your feelings without having to get so angry. Without a dam holding back anger, we can let it out in small trickles so it doesn't become toxic.

Perhaps your parents were doing their best with a situation they didn't understand. And, maybe, some day you can forgive them. But, for now, keep your guard up. They have had a long time developing techniques to keep you down, so, it could be easy for them to get you right back under their thumb. One day at a time, call them on it when their attempts to put you down raises it's ugly head. For now, don't let ANY of it get away. You now have an opportunity to train them the proper way to respect you. Just saying, "I refuse to respond to you when you talk to me like that'. They may respond with 'Like what'. Don't get into a discussion here. You'll only get angry as they try to make themselves right and you wrong. You could respond, 'Think about it'.

You are on the track that leads to freedom. Have a delightful journey.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to NCAQuilter]

NCA, thanks a million!

I would love to be on my way to freedom, I really long for that trip. I truly need to learn how to be assertive, how to feel healthy, how not to doubt myself.

You must know that yesterday, I felt so sane! So great! I actually felt that i have all the right to feel so angry. And i have all the right to expect respect from my closest people. I am so tired of people using me, so tired of people taking advantage of me, so tired of blaming me and sending me on those awful and repeated guilt trips. I also feel so fed up with taking responsibilities from people to make them feel lighter...

The problem with my parents its not that i can accuse them of making mistakes, trying for me but making mistakes. My problem with them and with my brother and my sister, its that they do not listen to me. Sometimes they hear what I say and call it wrong. Most often they just do not listen at all. I also see that hardly ever they understand what I'm going through or they do not see my situation as difficult. They don't try to imagine or to think about it. For them my biggest tragedies are just "events". There is no compassion and no empathy. Its just "get yourself together".

Thank you for support! Thank you for your words and advices. I really need them.

Thank you!

[Hidden]

Hi Orangeblossom. Great job for doing what you just did! You didn’t deserve to be mistreated by your family and if they’re going to resent you for a while, so be it. It’s your life and you deserve much more. If your family members aren’t supportive of you, then don’t be around them too often because that’s just going to keep you in this vicious cycle of being abused. We might not have the choice of being born into the family we have, but we have a choice to distance ourselves from them if they’re not conducive to our happiness.

[aaronm]

There isn't much I can say that others haven't already said but you are truly an inspiration. I followed you and I hope we can talk more. I was wondering where are you from?

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to aaronm]

I’m from Poland, Aaron. You can learn more from my bio