Long winded intro thingy

[IckleMoogle]

I wish this could be one of those "Heya peeps life is good" kind of introductions, buuuut nope. Its not.

Honestly, i just wish i was around someone, anyone who just gets it. I was diagnosed roughly 5 years ago with depression after an attempt at taking my own life (paracetamol overdose)... I was in an abusive relationship where my boyfriend hurt me repeatedly however no one believed me because i had "no bruises" no matter how may times id say he hurt me. On top of that 3 years later my dad was diagnosed with bone marrow/blood cancer (thankfully he is in remission now) and my mother is an alcoholic which at that point it got significantly worse.

Im now 26, i have no job, and have absolutely no friends whatsoever. To my family, i need to get out more, not hide myself away, which i agree they are right but they think its like flicking a switch on the brain. I wish, truely wish it was that simple. My life quite literally consists of waking up, playing mmo (massive multiplayer online) video games until i am practically passing out. I occasionally surface to use the bathroom, or get food/drink. Its got to the stage now (sorry in advance... I know this is disgusting...) i havent even showered in over 2 months... I know i need too, and have too, but i just cant like, i dont even see the point anymore of it. Im not going anywhere, i dont see anyone. Ive become nocturnal so having a shower at 3am while my father is asleep is out of the question.

Im always told "itll get easier" but how? Im barely even existing. Its a constant battle to not pick up pills again, which is increasingly difficult as i suffer with sciatica aswell.

I want to change, but its like i am in my own personal prison blocking me from doing what "normal" people would do. And yet i feel guilty because i know there are people out there even more worse off than me, but sometimes i sit and think to myself "what 26yr old goes through this much?" and agaim the battle in my brain starts.

Taking antidepressants i guess help, they level out my emotions, but it hasnt changed anything.

I just, ehh dont know what to do anymore, i honestly cant even see how im supposed to get better.... If i even can get better?

[Sillysausage234]

Welcome,🕊🌞

[InquisitiveMind427]

I need to get back to work so I can’t take as long for my response as I would like. Please reach out to me or anyone else here publicly or privately if you need to and welcome to the group.

I think there are some major changes needed in your life and where my situation isn’t the same I can say that if you find the right activity outside of the house and preferably someone to do them with who is supportive and understanding you might find that it will grow easier to be away from your problems at home.

I know I am. I was great all day at work then within the first minute of being home I kept thinking “why am I still putting up with this shit?” But that’s a long story...

Don’t be so hard on yourself first and foremost. As far as the shower thing goes don’t do it because you “have to” do it because it feels good to be clean (or at least I believe it does).

Welcome again and I hope you find something positive to ease some of your pain!

[IckleMoogle in reply to InquisitiveMind427]

Thank you, me too. Im at a bit of a loss (well feel like i am) but still, thank you. Its much appreciated

[seekingSunshine]

Do whatever it takes to get a shower in and put on fresh clean clothes! You will get a boost from that alone.

[IckleMoogle in reply to seekingSunshine]

I completely agree, its just getting that motivation to do it. Like, my brain is screaming at me like "go do it" but my body just says no, if that makes any sense?

[seekingSunshine]

If you are being abused in a relationship, don't wait for validation from others. Take care of yourself and get out.

[IckleMoogle in reply to seekingSunshine]

Thankfully i got out of that, got out the difficult way and was left steanded in the middle of nowhere, now 2 grand in debt. But im safe at least, i think that alone is one of the main reasons i dont leave my bedroom, at least in here i know im safe and cant get hurt

[Jdavid2000]

I work remotely and don't see any human being except the days I have my boys, and I also have depression, so I totally get not taking care of yourself. I have to force myself to get cleaned up most days. I've actually started turning on my webcam to see myself so I want to look better. When I see my greasy face and weirdly upturned hair I want to fix it. Maybe you can do something like that?

I don't know you but I know what you're feeling. Bad thoughts encourage more bad thoughts. Next time you feel bad about yourself, stop, hold that thought, and then think "I am a good person and I deserve good things.". It sounds stupid but all thoughts have a feedback loop. Even if you don't believe it, think it--every single time--and you will start to be excited about life instead of sad. I speak from recent experience. Best wishes for you.

[Jdavid2000 in reply to Jdavid2000]

And no one is "normal". You're a damn good person; it is obvious from your post. I don't want to meet "normal" because that would be the blandest person ever.

[IckleMoogle in reply to Jdavid2000]

And thank you, i appreciate that.

[IckleMoogle in reply to Jdavid2000]

Thank you, i find it so difficult to say "i am a good person" these days. I know i am and i know i have a pure and kind heart, it just feels like no matter what i do i always end up being hurt or alone. Im fairly good at talking to people but making friends (and keeping them) is so difficult. I know i have my family, but its not the same y'know? Im still young and know i should be enjoying life, meeting new people etc. Maybe i just wanna feel like i matter to someone? Its difficult to put into words lol

[Jdavid2000 in reply to IckleMoogle]

You matter. At least to me. I'm glad I got to talk to you. And I bet there are a lot of people in your regular world that think you matter.

[Jdavid2000 in reply to IckleMoogle]

Hey, message me any time. I get MMO addiction and feeling alone. You aren't alone and even if you were, you're great by yourself. You've got this.

[IckleMoogle in reply to Jdavid2000]

Thanks, honestly MMOs are where i live life these days. Currently playing FFXIV and im pretty certain thats the only thing keeping me going. But even there ive had my problems. My "best friend" dropped me like a sack of shit for a guy. And then had the guy tell me i am a vile person who deserves nothing but being alone for upsetting her. Yet they ignored me for weeks when i needed them so kinda anywhere i go drama follows haha. Im like a magnet.

[Jdavid2000 in reply to IckleMoogle]

Lol, I doubt you are a magnet for drama. It sounds stupid, but I've come to realize it is true: we get back what we put out. If you put out happiness, even if you have to fake it, that's what you get back. I was in a dark place several weeks ago and I made myself do this and it actually works! Pretend to be happy and eventually you aren't pretending.

I don't play FF14 but I have a lifetime membership on Star Trek Online or I can reinstall Guild Wars 2. Or even one of the free Ultima Online shards. Or whatever. Private message me if you just want to (virtually) hang out online.

[IckleMoogle in reply to Jdavid2000]

Ahhh i dont play any of those sadly, kinda new to the mmo scene haha. But i will definitely keep that in mind, thank you