Yesterday I told someone to liberate their mind by speaking their truth. I then realized that not only is that easier said than done, it is also very possible that like myself, others may not either have realized what that truth might be, or that their truth may be emotionally debilitating and paralyzingly frightening to either acknowledge or reveal.
Fear…it has tentacles does it not? It wraps around your mind and either immobilizes us or causes us to wear masks that allow us to hide and pretend for the outside world that we are fine, while we are screaming on the inside wishing we could solicit help, but we cannot because we fear rejection, judgement, stigmatization. We practice avoidance so as not to have to deal with the fear. The paradox being the silence both protects us, but also prevents us from getting support.
I had nightmares for years. I would wake up shaking uncontrollably and the sense of panic and overwhelming abject fear would grip me for days. The nightmare’s content was never the same, but there was always family involved somehow. I never wanted to explore the nightmares. I was simply relieved on those nights when they did not come to me. I don’t recall who it was that taught me how to control my dreams, to direct my mind, but I remember being told that it was a technique taught to children who had been abused to help them to move past trauma. It worked and I still employ the techniques. The technique, however, is a coping mechanism and did not address the issue. It was akin to putting a cork in a volcano. The root cause for the nightmares like the lava in the volcano, just found another outlet. What I needed to do was overcome the fear of facing my demons at least the one interrupting my sleep.
It was not a conscious and deliberate effort on my part. I wish I could lay claim to that kind of courage. Not so much. I was dating a man who had been working the 12 Steps for 30 years. He had learned the tough love methods that AA employs such as taking a fearless moral inventory, and he asked me tough questions that I had never asked myself. I had spent a lifetime hiding from myself, suppressing, and burying anything uncomfortable out of fear that I would fall apart, lose my famed composure, cease being the Gibraltar like model of control that I have always been known for if I dared to look straight into the face of that fear. I do not let go. I am the personification of stoicism. I am the strong one who others lean on. Falling apart… cracking the façade was not something I had been willing to risk. I also think trauma survivors feel guilt and shame as though they should have been able to control what happened to them Guilt, shame , and fear had been combining into an emotional cocktail that at night when I was defenseless turned into a multi-fanged predatory beast consuming my thoughts and keeping me awake.
One day my partner at the time said randomly, “were you molested as a child?” Time stood still. I froze. A torrent of awareness flooded my mind and with it, every ounce of guilt, shame, and embarrassment that I did not even know I felt gained momentum and threatened to drag me under. I was exposed and there was no place to hide. He had found that box of suppressed memories and pried the lid off.
There is much controversy among practitioners as to whether or not trauma survivors are re-traumatized by being re-exposed to the memories of the original trauma. I am sure many of them would be dismayed that my partner took the approach that he did, forcing me to acknowledge a buried truth that I had never admitted to myself let alone anyone else; however, it is my truth. I was molested. I have not processed it fully, but not speaking it does not make it less true. I know that the nightmares stopped. I know that I stopped hiding from a part of me that my mind chose to ignore most likely because it felt shame and guilt. I have flash backs at times which I shake off. I suppose part of my brain is still not ready for the memories, but I no longer give power to the silence. I am no longer afraid to speak my truth.
your not alone here...many of us are child abuse and sexual assault survivors, we are the warriors who fight back now....The thing that was the 'light bulb' moment for me when I first opened that can of worms was....It was not my fault, I was just a kid, I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do anything to deserve that, and yet I was left to carry the burden for most of my life....sex had nothing to do with it yet the stigma of it ...shame, blame, guilt.... trauma....nightmares...anxiety....depression....all of that follows us while the monsters mostly get away with it. I was just a kid.....and my childhood innocence was stolen from me. I never got to just be a kid because of it....I slept with one eye open and one foot on the floor. Emotional abandonment, self worth issues, self loathing....never letting anyone get too close to me. All of it ruined the majority of my young adult life.
It has taken decades and I am better...much better..but will always be a work in progress.
I am honored that you shared your story with me, and that you used the word warrior. I have never thought of myself as much of a warrior. There is nothing timid about me; however, I have observed that I am much more inclined to champion causes for others than I am for myself. I am just learning to via others such as yourself to fight back, so thank you.
Me too. I can fight for others but do find it difficult to myself. What I still find hardest is to distinguish when I need to fight, when I need to retreat, and when to just go with the flow and let it all wash over me. We all have to pick our battles in order to make them more effective and of course we all have triggers
My biggest trigger is people trying to tell me how I should feel and how to behave. x
well you know what I was told.... 'I don't always have to be wearing a suit of armor'....I was floored....what did that mean....and then the gal said.... 'just pick your battles, you don't have to be ready to react at every perceived slight'... of course I thought.... 'F' you....but she was right....I was just so beat up from constant criticism as a kid...I could not discern from constructive advice from being criticized. It took years to get that worked out....still a work in progress... but can at least live with it most of the time....hang in there sista... I got your back, we are learning.
That is the 2nd time I have heard that comment about not always wearing a suit of armor, and I like it. I read biographies regularly, and I think it was in Doris Robert's autobiography that she said something similar...she said we need to know when to put down the sword. Good stuff that is!
Hi I have had depression since childhood and left home on my own at 18 to live in London. My depression was untreated until my mid/late 20's when I sought counselling. I then set my mind to having the best life I could. I have always had to work so couldn't hide at home and I also needed company ie friends. This was all really hard at the time and I am glad my depression was usually fairly mild though I did have the odd very nasty suicidal flare ups from time to time. I was on meds too.
However because I had had to shift for myself and get me better with no support system apart from a counsellor and some group counselling I realised I was ok and I learnt to respect myself and even admire how I had coped. This gave me some pride and self respect almost against my will, and then I found that it didn't matter much if others wanted to reject me coz I found out that being myself also attracted those who wanted to be with me and I only wanted them and not the others. I could admit things to myself that I had always felt shame for and could tell friends too. I found out that everyone had the same kinds of feelings whether they had depression or not and they all knew about guilt and shame. It was and still is wonderful to share similar feelings with others as it makes you feel connected to the rest of the human race.
No one is an island and no one has ever suffered from anything that no one else has, and no one has feelings that have never been felt before. We are all human and feelings are what we need to guide our lives by so don't cut yourselves off from part of them. x
So brilliant the observation that everyone has something. So true and so easily forgotten. Thank you for that reminder! Also...I am jealous that you were able to move to London. If I had my way I would find myself there as well.
Well I don't live there now and haven't done for many years. I went there at 18 desperate to get away from home. I had a job lined up, saw my chance and fled. The first couple of years there were very tough but did teach me many valuable lessons in life which have stood me in good stead. x
I think too Bev. that this place has helped a lot not feel alone any more too. I totally agree that we do all have the same stuff to one extent or another and it is a great connection here. I am glad your my friend...and value you.
That's great faux and I am pleased it has. I have been on the site for a while and feel a great sense of community with some lovely folk here now. It sure does help me to feel a lot less alone especially with special friends like you. Bev xx
What a brave person you are! I commend you for sharing your story with us. You have a great support system who has been there to prop you up and help you. I wish you joy in abundance!
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