This is the first time I have used a forum for anything. I’ve spent my lifetime, probably since the age of 7, journaling. My journal was my friend…the one place I could be honest and where the clutter in my head could be sorted. I’m a classic introvert. I love people on my own terms, but even in a crowd I am lonely and depressed. Like most introverts we learn to adapt…we act, we wear masks to function in public, but in private is where we are most ok. Ironically for me, in private is also the most lonely and isolated that I feel. I both love my bedroom, and simultaneously feel it is my prison. I seek out water. I walk by lakes, streams, puddles if need be because water calms my anxiety and panic. I’m pretty sure the anxiety and depression stem from the loneliness which seems to increase with age. I no longer write, but I find myself wishing that I had a vice. I’ve tried, but I’m too rational and my mind knows that drinking or smoking are temporary fixes, and when the cigarette goes out or the glass is empty, the pain will still be there, I’ll still be alone, and eventually that overwhelming panic will return. I live in a science- based world. Take pharmaceuticals and all will be well, but I believe there has to be alternatives to chemicals. I meditate, and I feel ok …just ok. I go to church and during that hour I am ok…just ok. I am tired of being just ok. I googled for a counselor more than once, and actually went and sat on the couch encouraged by my courage. He stared at me for the entire hour and didn’t say anything…nothing…silence. I decided I could save the $40 co-pay and be in silence alone.
Today: This is the first time I have... - Anxiety and Depre...
Today
I'm glad your sharing here.... I find writing cathartic and healing.... and it's unfortunate your experience with therapy was not good. I have had good and bad. Mostly good. You just have to get the right fit as with anything I guess... this is a good place to write and read others posts and comments and be able to relate to others feeling similar to yourself.
Welcome...
Thank you both for your welcome and for your insight. Writing is cathartic. I will eventually get beyond the block and write again. Perhaps this is the beginning of that healing journey.
Hi Auberie, is the picture making a statement of your emotions? It takes time to find what works for each one of us. I believe that being alone is part of the healing process. We need that quiet time to figure out where we are going and how we are going to reach our goal. It sounds like you have tried many different avenues, some not so successful and some just okay.
Vices are never the answer, they only present more problems. But you already have that figured out. Taking pharmaceuticals for a while can help but eventually is not the complete answer either. For myself, I find that Meditation, Self-Hypnosis, Minfulness, Visualization and DeepBreathing take me to that quiet place I call my own. It's an every day
occurrence in order to keep better prepared for each day.
Turning to this support site can help in exchanging our experiences with others. We learn from each other who know what it's like to live everyday with "just okay" Hope you find the key soon. Til then, we are here for each other. 
xx
Thank you for your support. I suppose the photo is a reflection of my perception of my emotions. I am a photographer and appreciate how both images and music can often say what I am unable to communicate. Stormy images are ones I am drawn to. I am sure a counselor would discover the connection.
Auberie, there's nothing bad about it. You're telling us your feelings through images. Did you take that pic? I thought I was the only one who can appreciate a rainy, stormy day where I can hide from the world.
I'm glad you are here on this site. Finding you are not alone in how you feel can be comforting. xx
Thank you again for responding. I am not sure why I thought this would be a one way street wherein I would post and purge my thoughts and there would be no response. I am glad in this instance to have had my preconceptions proven inaccurate. This is not one of my own images. I have a friend who knows me well. My color is aubergine and I love lightening and rain. Tumultuous storms bring me peace for whatever reason, so he sends me photos that he takes over the ocean, because try as I may I cannot seem to capture lightening with the camera the way that he does. I similarly have a friend who lets me tag along on shoots when he is in a lunar mood. We sand side by side and his shots of the moon are always breath taking ...mine...well...not so much. I have been studying contemplative photography of late which was brought to my attention in a meditation class. I am trying to find contemplative practices to quiet my anxiety.
Auberie, it sounds like we may be in for a treat of you posting pictures of storms as well as lunar moods. A picture can take me into a quiet place of my own within moments. I've been into meditation so long now that it comes automatically.
I'm glad in this instance you were proven wrong regarding the response you would get from your posts. With people being present from all around the world time isn't a factor. There is always someone on reading and willing to respond. I'm glad you're here. Looking forward to some of your photos of lightening and rain. xx
A picture is worth a thousand words.... I'm a big fan of Annie Leibovitz and Ansel Adams..... I do okay with a camera.... and what helped me most in learning how to take a shot was a class I took in painting perspective technique in college. Which really began back in the Renaissance, painters wanting to be more realists by using a more 3 dimensional approach than the previous Russian Icon 2 dimensional painting style...Also the use of Japanese symmetry in floral arrangement, things being balanced by having a slightly off kilter look to them.
My father had a dark room in the basement when I was a kid. I think that is where the bug took root, and also spawned my love for black and white images. I am fortunate in that I joined a photography guild a few years ago and the truly talented allow me to tag along and soak up like a sponge what I can from going on shoots with them. One of them got me hooked on visiting abandoned asylums. Some do it for recreation and make it difficult for others to access them, but he comes from a family with mental illness, and the work he produces which would be classified as art photography comes from a deep place. When you walk through those building , some of which remain untouched from when they closed, and you see the straight jackets still hanging, or the reel to reel projectors with session notes still attached, you can something in the air. He calls it the spirit of those who inhabited the place permeating the walls. I am drawn to and empathize with that melancholy.
I would encourage you to give therapy another try. I've seen my share of bad and good therapists and unfortunately there are plenty of bad ones out there. I know it's hard to make an appointment with anyone, much less shop around until you find one that can help you. But you can do this. It's important. Maybe you should take up journaling again; it seems like something you have enjoyed in the past. And while medication does have it's limits and side effects, I wouldn't discount it all together. If there is chemically something wrong with how your brain operates (i.e. clinical depression), then you may need medication just how someone would need insulin if they are diabetic. Sometimes we really do need that kind of help. Sometimes it is medical. Keep reaching out.
Thank you for responding. Please do not misunderstand, I am fully in support of counseling. That particular individual was not helpful. I spent most of the day scanning the internet for potential replacements, but that is like trying to pick a dentist or any other professional from the white pages, only in this instance, you are taking a leap of not only faith but of courage to find someone with whom to bare your soul. I do not disagree regarding medication sometimes being necessary; however, I believe, as I do with my physical disorders, (I have Rheumatoid arthritis and Sjogren's) that pharmaceuticals are a last resort not a first line of defense. I am adamant because I watched my mother become a guinea pig to the pharmaceutical companies. She eventually developed kidney failure and the shut down of her organs due to prolonged use of medications over a lifetime. I'm jaded now and prefer to stick to alternatives, but thank you.
I can understand your desire to stay away from medications. There are still medical treatments besides medication that you may want to look into for depression. The important thing is to keep trying stuff until something helps you.
I definitely feel your pain with finding a good therapist. I hate shopping for people to talk to! It's exhausting to put forth that effort and have it result in someone that isn't a good match, but it's so worth it when you finally find one you like.
Finding a decent counselor is the same as finding a good physician...you have to do a lot of searching and researching...I got lucky on my 3rd try; I am familiar with the "take-notes-and-don't-make-a-sound" approach...that was my first counselor; the second one just parroted whatever I said back to me...that didn't help an iota. On the third try, I finally got one that asked questions, took notes and repeated what I said, just to be certain that we were both verifying the same things. I finally got someplace with that person, and I wound up re-oxygenating my life, so that I could deal with the crises around me. I feel like I dodged an emotional bullet, on that one.
There is nothing wrong with your lifestyle, as long as it nourishes you. It sounds like that is no longer happening, though; I sense that your peaceful environment is very necessary for your well-being, and that is good--we all need a haven, when we reach home. The issue, though, is finding that connection of peace "out there," in the rest of the "world"...so, where is it? That can be a long, long search for something that "shares" something back to you, outside of your own inner circle, and the only place that I've ever found it is camping in nature...the more primitive, the better (all safety precautions taken into consideration, though). Trouble is, most of us don't have the means to stay on vacation, forever...or, we live in cities where it takes close to a day to get out into the start of anything "country"...so, what then?
Writing and reading helps me...but the older I get, the more I loved to be read to. Sounds weird, but there is a reason those old radio shows were so popular with people. I find I go on Youtube, where I can listen, without having to watch a video, and just have people narrate a story--child's or adult's, a crime case or even their vacation vlogs... I didn't think I missed being read to that much; after all, grade school was a long time back...but, with all the paperwork I wind up doing, no matter where I am, I find I look forward to the next tale.
After a while, maybe this is something that you want to try, to have people listen to what you have to say, as well. Feedback is a kind of nourishment, too...sometimes, we need to give to get back...
Keep us posted and let us know how things go...I hope this sheds some light upon new possibilities. Blessings, always!
So much of what you have written resonates. I have not been read to in quite some time. I volunteer for a literacy program that allows me the joy of reading to children, but I do remember how much I both loved listening to radio programs as a kid, baseball games, and the peace being read poetry to brought to me.
I am taking a trauma informed practice class at the moment and just reading the assigned text and being in room with practitioners sets my anxiety off. I left today feeling worn out emotionally, agitated, more inclined to flight than fight, but I know this is my brain affirming that I do need to find someone who is far less like the silent note taker and far more transactional in their approach.
Feedback is nourishing. I have been encouraged by my time in here though brief. Thank you very much for enhancing my experience greatly.
So glad, if it helps you! You are doing everything right--it just feels awkward and uncomfortable; but, I hope you find someone who is a good one-to-one counselor. Try Healthgrades.com, if you can't find a better one, by word of mouth, or in the phone book. Your work that you are doing, here, is so important...you are on the right track! :>) Thank you, too, for your feedback, and I hope that things get easier for you, with time! Blessings, always! :>)
I'm sorry you are struggling. Most therapists are not like the one you experienced. Please consider a different one to help you. Water and writing are both cathartic and comforting. Warm baths can be relaxing and writing allows the thoughts out of your head. Prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance. We are here for you.
Thank you Pam for your encouragement. I have not abandoned therapy as an option. I am looking. I used to take great comfort in baths and candles, but for a long time they were not an option. I just bought a house with a tub, and fully intend to restore my ritual bath taking
I have major depression and anxiety attacks. I too stay in my bedroom but feel isolated. It's getting worse.
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