Cant even get excited about my birthday coming

[Icanbeathis2016]

Well I've been dealing with anxiety and mild depression for about 3 years. And since those 3 years I have not enjoyed any holidays or my birthdays. And yet again my birthday is approaching soon and I am afraid, sad, worried, and down. First its the fear of dying that still plagues me, then its guilt for not feeling like Ive accomplished or achieved anything that I set my heart out for, and then the thought that I will not make it out of this abyss to a healthy, happy state, and that I'll die a coward.

I cry because I want to be around for my kids to watch them grow into beautiful adults. I cant even get excited that Im going on a cruise for my birthday. And that bothers me even more. I keep thinking the worst. Ive constantly said to myself that I'm a coward because I can't seem to get over my fears or face my fears and let go. I am ashamed and feel like I will die as a coward who will not get the chance to fulfill my purpose here.

Im new to this community. Im usually on the other communty but haven't posted in a long time.

Wish us the best!!!!

[Hidden]

Absolutely wishing you a great time for your birthday! Please believe me when I tell you that you’re not a coward!! You have a mental illness and that has nothing to do with being a coward. It’s holding you back right now just like Multiple Sclerosis or Diabetes might. Do not blame yourself for something that’s out of your control. Likewise, do not fear death. This is a symptom of your illness like hopelessness or helplessness. You’re already fulfilling your purpose here as a Mom...what’s more important than that? If you’re not seeing a Psychiatrist or therapist, I think you should. Gather all the help you can get! Why waste time feeling unhappy if you don’t have to...do it for yourself because no one else will. Wishing you peace of mind and a wonderful birthday and cruise 🚢!!

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your kinds words. I am trying to look at things from a different perspective. I hope I'll enjoy this trip and my birthday. Again thank you.