Need some spouse support, pretty please.

[Lowski]

Hi,

I'm so sorry that I wrote pretty much novel on my issues. I just needed to get it out and really could use anyone's advice on this. If you don't have time to read all this, basically, my wife is seeking help for c-ptsd and recently she said that she wants to take a break from sex for an undetermined amount of time. That has triggered something in my inner man child. 🙄

I need some support and encouragement. My wife experienced some mental trauma during the birth of our second child. It's been a year-and-a-half, and our daughter is just fine thankfully. However my wife was treated very poorly by the hospital staff. It's weird because she works there as a nurse, and she has had diabetes since she was 2 years old. But they just seem to do as they wished and not listen to her at all even though she is more of an expert on Diabetes than any of them. They were trying to control her in such stupid ways. They wouldn't let her take insulin after eating food witches totally asinine. And then they told her that they need to delay inducing the birth because her blood sugar was high, and they were the ones who made it high! And this even happened after the baby was born. she tried speaking with them calmly, and I did a little as well but honestly I think when you're in that situation you're overwhelmed and you sort of rely on your Healthcare practitioners to know what they're doing. So angry at them.

So in the months after the birth my wife said she just didn't feel right. And then she was having panic attacks. And she went to get help for it thankfully and they diagnosed her with PTSD. And it wasn't just this occurrence but a number of other occurrences from her childhood and on that cause this.

As for me I've just been trying to support her. I had to adjust my work schedule and my other activities like martial arts in order to help make sure that she wasn't just stuck alone home with the two kids all the time. It should be noted that our kids are only a little over two years apart in age so that has made it extra challenging.

So through all this I thought I was handling it okay and and just having a few freak-outs here and there and we would talk about it and it would be fine. I see a nurse practitioner or psychiatric nurse for ADHD, so I've spoken with her about it a few times.

But things sort of came to a head lately. Well for me anyway. One thing was that I stopped taking my antidepressants. I weaned off of them to see how I would feel after being on them for 2 years. I felt like I was in a good enough place to try it. (I just started taking them again.)

The second thing was that my wife's sex drive has taken a hit ever since this all happened understandably. And we would occasionally have sex when she was in the mood. And both of us can usually be affected by stress and being so busy with the kids and all, so sometimes we just hope to find the right time to get together.

But just recently she confides in me that she wants to take a sort of holiday from sex. She just was not feeling it lately I guess and wanted to sort of do a reset? Now I'm assuming that this can affect or scare most men when a spouse ask for something like this. It may make something that their wife is not attracted to them, or the relationship is really in trouble.

Honestly this did trigger something in me, I sort of felt like a scared teenager with the sinking feeling that his girlfriend was leaving him. It felt like some deep down thing in me. Like an old or Primal or Antiquated reaction to something like this.

We have spoken lot about it and I feel more reassured about why she's doing it. And she stated that she's still attracted to me but it's just something seems to be blocking her from feeling arousal. And that helped make a lot more sense of it.

I imagine that part of this could have been caused by me making advances at times, and her feeling uncomfortable or just guilty or whatever legitimate feelings that she might be experiencing.

Back to me, initially being off the antidepressants was going okay. I think I had a little more of a short fuse but nothing crazy or violent. But after she told me that she wanted to do the sex holiday, I felt or started feeling worse and worse even though we have been discussing things and making Headway. I watch the kids a few days a week while she's at work. And by the end of the day I am tired of course. And the kids are a little tired and hyper. And our cat starts whining incessantly for food. And we have a big dorky dog. And then my wife comes home and everyone gets even more crazy.

When this happened I was starting to get a little unhinged and experiencing a barrage of negative thoughts. And I was feeling anger towards her. I'm guessing like confusion, betrayal, whatever else he depressed scared husband might feel??

I could tell it was not normal, and she could see that too. after a week or so I decided I should go back on antidepressants. This was not a good time to wean off of them haha. Ugh. I've experienced depression before, but oh my God this was a bit more intense. It just must have been something to do with feeling threatened or whatever about and intimacy issue.

Another part of it is that sometimes in the past both of us may have trouble getting aroused properly and we have I think come to good understanding of that. And we have recently contacted a sex therapist 2 try to go over each of our issues individually and together. But that is not going to happen for another month so that just drives me crazy having to wait!

Regarding sex, I have explained to her that sometimes I'll just see how she's feeling, if she's interested or not. Because that's a major part and me being aroused as well. Because if she's not aroused, I can sense that, and then both of us know it might not be the right time haha.

But yeah, I can understand why she would want to do this. But it sort of feels like we're in some sort of limbo where we are in a committed relationship but the most intimate part or one of the most intimate parts of it is off limits.

And she'll talk about when she might feel up to it again. And how when she's ready she wants to be the one who initiates sex. This is funny because I've actually encouraged her over and over to initiate when she's in the mood, but I can't really place a date or time when that has so obviously happened.

We've talked about her side of things at times before this all happened. And I felt like sometimes that she hasn't been present when we are trying to be intimate. Like initially she is and interested but then she sort of glazes over and I can totally feel or sense it when that happens.

And I sadly feel that when she talks about "when we might start having sex again," it gives me false hope. I sort of feel like it's not fair to talk about it in that way. Like I'd almost not want to think about it, until it happens.

And I do not want to pressure her on this of course. But At first, she was setting some sort of arbitrary date like we should wait until we see the sex therapist and then maybe it would be okay. I said is that necessary? I just thought that she should initiate if she was in the mood and felt safe and comfortable doing so.

I do feel like our discussions so far have actually found and made some breakthroughs and understandings for both of us. And with that, I feel my love and attraction for her grow. And I believe she feels that way too. Well, the love part anyway?

And believe me, I think this is pretty big for both of us. I think both of us came into this relationship with some intimacy issues, and maybe we have some walls up that keep us from feeling an intense Bond or attraction.

But then, we part ways and I'm a bit worked up. Until otherwise notified, I assume that the sex holiday is still on. Part of me doesn't even want to discuss sex or flirt until she is ready. But shutting her out would probably not help things either right??

I feel better after each and every time we discuss things, but my mind still seems to go to the negative side after we talk about sex or whatever. I know that not everything is supposed to lead to sex, but there is a little kid in me that feels like someone close to me is keeping me at arm's length as a way to hurt my feelings or something. I know that's not true, but it's just so weird, we're in this limbo and I don't know what to do.

I know that the therapy will help a lot but that's not for another month because life is unfair and everything always seems to take a month to get going even though you desperately desperately desperately need to get to work on it right away. I so hate that about life.

And day before yesterday I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse, and I was going to talk about all of this. But since she also has ADHD and a faulty scheduling system, she didn't show up for the appointment so I was left feeling a little worse than before.

So please, talk to me?? Thank you all so much from reading this virtual manifesto. I appreciate it.

[Hidden]

Hello Lowski!

I’m sorry that you and your wife are struggling right now. Relationships are so hard, especially when you have small children and jobs. It’s hard to have the energy and time to connect intimately. I had the same type of trouble with the hospital staff with my 1st child and then a medical emergency with my 2nd child which definitely traumatized me because we both could have died and I knew it (I’m a nurse too). It was smooth sailing with the 3rd one with a planned C-section. I never lost my sex drive, though. I’m wondering if your wife happened to have experienced childhood sexual trauma as this may be the root cause of her problems with sex. Am I right?

[Lowski in reply to Hidden]

Hi, thank you for the kind words. Not so much the typical sexual trauma but definitely related.

She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 2. Her father (and family) were stationed in Spain at the time. So she was very I'll, and little or none of the hospital staff spoke English.

Then her parents were not gentle about testing her blood sugar and giving shots. They would aggressively hold her down to do it.

And her mom was very controlling. She went about handling her and her diabetes in a very insensitive way. Putting a lock on the refrigerator and so on. Things like that have parallels to sexual abuse.

She's currently working on it. Going through all the past traumas. We spoke a bit more. I said that I understand why she needs to do it. To feel in control of her own body. But without any animosity, I feel like we shouldn't talk about certain things until she is actually ready to be intimate.

I told her laying together and spooning is fine, and I love it. But talking about sex or flirting is a little confusing and upsetting for me.

I was finally able to convey it correctly and she understood. I'm trying to seek out counseling for myself as well.

[Lowski]

Thanks, she has spoken about getting tested for deficiencies and stuff to rule it out. But I'm pretty sure that it's derived from the PTSD. It's like someone being assaulted. She needs to feel like she has control of her own body. I respect her and want to help her through this.

[gogogirl]

sorry you've been though this- financial stress is so tough. I understand your wife has a calling but if she earns so little then does not share it- that I do not get. We all know that marriage is a partnership- I hope this is not crossing a line- but knocking yourself out to try to "catch up" seems to be causing you even more stress. You've kept your house and that is to your credit. I understand that a break down caused you to be underemployed so that added to even more stress. I read a book called the Feeling Good Handbook a few years ago- well really somewhat longer than that, and it helped - gave examples of how hard people judge themselves and showed different types of thinking. I hope you will give yourself a break and some breathing time- sounds like you have a nice family.

[gogogirl]

I think I replied to the wrong post, sorry .

[Lowski in reply to gogogirl]

Haha! No prob. I was confused there for a sec.

[gogogirl]

Me too!

[HearYou]

Oh,Lowski, you are a younger man than when the lack of desire occurs in one of the spouses. And you have no control over when your wife may have had long enough time to not worry about disappointing you because she is not interested. This is not an uncommon situation.

She still loves you, but sex is not attractive to her now. So, take a deep breath and not think she' doesn't want you emotionally or that she doesn't care, it's just the physical intimacy that has turned off. Many middle age or older couples face your situation and does not change. Has nothing to do with your sexuality.

But you may have to drop this issue point blank for the time being. As it only keeps both you and your wife walking a delicate fine line wondering what might work to make her feelings change.

Right now Just forget about having the actual act of sex forever.

Think about how the two of you were long before sex entered your lives Hold hands when walking. Cuddle at night, gentle hugs in the kitchen, loving cards, compliments, small kisses.........all without any strings attached.......explain to her you want to show her she is loved...and that none of the things you are doing is to set her up for sex. Make that VERY CLEAR. No strings attached.

Very frustrating for you, but if she physically could not have intercourse due to injuries from an accident, you would be facing the same situation. There is a saying that lovemaking begins in the kitchen in the morning and may end in the evening. That means being kind to one another in small ways throughout the day may build into some more later.

An appointment with a therapist one month away really is not too far away. You can talk and express your frustration, but it isn't going to "fix" your situation. It may help you understand and adjust to it. Life changes come unexpectedly,and sometimes all one can do is accept it until it takes a turn in a way one would prefer.

Keeping you in my mind and hoping for better days for you, your wife and your family.xx