Partner support

[Mark123031]

Long story short, I feel my wife has been depressed for the past 10 months (the final 5 months of our engagement and the first 5 months of our marriage). This has made our engagement and then early marriage more difficult than I ever imagined one could be. We both work in health care and she has been extremely resistant to treatment or let alone just discussing the term depression. (Both our pre-marital and new marital counselor have suggested she get one-on-one treatment; my wife has resisted this.) I have been doing my best to love her and support her. I have been reading a lot and working on building good support around me. This is what brings me here. I need a place where I can read and write, when the state of our marriage or my emotional state or her emotional state keep me up at night.

I am open to absolutely any advice or comments.

To those of you who previously posted and are suffering yourselves, I hear you and support you.

Thanks!

[Hidden]

I think it’s really amazing that you are trying to educate yourself on ways to be there for your wife. That’s rare. I’m not married myself so I’m not sure how much help I can be but I will say this.....although your wife may be the reason you have chosen to join this site, I think it’s important for you to also look after yourself. It must be extremely difficult to watch someone you love go through depression and feel like you have no way to help. Keep supporting your wife but also support yourself!! We must first take care of ourselves in order to then take care of others. I’m here if you need to talk!😁

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Support yourself...take care of yourself. You nailed it, Emily! It is far to easy to get caught up and lost in it. It can be mentally and physically draining, exhausting. Spouses and caregivers need regular respite . Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself.

[Mark123031 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for encouraging respite for me. In the past couple days I’ve been offered on relatively short notice golf weekend with a friend. I tried to discuss this with my wife yesterday morning. The trip is supposed to be Thursday through Sunday, I thought if I went Friday morning through Saturday night, that would be a good compromise. Since bringing up the weekend I feel my wife has been cold, angry, and resistant. I’ve been told by her I should just leave now for the trip. She also said she’s going to be sad either way. In listening to her more this morning, she did state she feels like a monster inside. Also stating, if she was in my shoes she would want to get out of here as well (all of this in a harsh tone)

Long story short, I’m still going on the trip. It will be a wonderful time for me.

I’ve also reflected over the past day that I have to stubbornly love her, that is love her: even though she is pushing me away; love her even though she doesn’t want me to; love her even though she doesn’t love herself.

Thanks for the opportunity to share.

[Hidden in reply to Mark123031]

You need a bit of time for yourself so that you can breathe and recharge...good for you! Don't ever feel guilty about that. Call her while you are away.

She is right.. she will be down whether you stay or leave for the weekend. Unfortunately, I experienced anger and anxiety, but you have to take care of your own mental health so that you can be there for her.

You are such a good and loving husband. I didn't have that when I was going through it. Continue to encourage her and try the tactics that some of the other members suggested. You don't know until you try. Timing is everything in some cases. Eventually, something will turn it around.

Please stay in touch. I would like to know how things are going.

[Mark123031 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement!

Keep the tactics coming everyone!

[Mark123031 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! Any tips on how I can encourage her to further seek out therapy? We have several different resources but she hasn’t made any appointments. Any mention of therapy from me just brings anger from her.

[Hidden in reply to Mark123031]

Resistance is common. Remind her that your relationship is so very important. Tell her that you miss her smile, humor, and everything you both enjoyed together.

Is there someone else to help you with this...her mother, sister, best friend?

If she says she doesn't see a problem, gently point out specific issues without sounding judgmental. Tell her you are willing to accompany her to an appointment or two. I did that with my daughter.

Have you joined a support group in your area? I have found that in-person support groups are beneficial.

[Mark123031 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I am in very close contact with her mom who is a really good friend to me, although her mother may be in denial about her daughter being frankly depressed.

I want to reach out to her friends online but I fear backlash from my wife down the road.

I will do my best to remind her of her many great qualities, ie the reasons I married her (despite a very tough engagement)

I tell her I love and she’s beautiful every day.

Admittedly she is very busy with work right now, and that is her most common reason (or excuse) for not getting one on one therapy.

I will gently try and get her to do another session of couples therapy.

As far as support groups, I’ll be reaching out to churches in the area soon. Im scared of the backlash from her if I join a “partner mental health support group.” Not the best reason, I know, but I’m definitely trying to pick the right battles.

Thank you!

[Hidden in reply to Mark123031]

I used the work excuse also. Our minds have a way of keeping us on the same path....It says never be open to change because nothing is wrong....business as usual.... stay on constant autopilot. There were times when I knew something was wrong ,but I refused to admit it , refused to seek help. I had to go through it.

All a supportive bystander can do is the best he/she can. Know that this is not your fault and it's not her fault. The brain needs help but it rejects it. Never give up hope. Things can change.

Through your words I see that you are an extremely supportive and loving husband. Be good to yourself. You are doing a great job.

Blessings, my friend.

[Mark123031 in reply to Hidden]

Wow, thank you. She has used some of the exact words (eg autopilot) your wrote in the first paragraph.

Thank you for your kind support!

[Hidden in reply to Mark123031]

I was there for too long. Just stay strong and keep the faith!

[Hidden in reply to Mark123031]

Have you told her that you feel you need therapy and it would really mean a lot to you if she supported you? Maybe if she felt it was more for you than her, she might be more up to it. Just a thought. 😊

[Mark123031 in reply to Hidden]

I hadn’t exactly thought of it that way. thank you!

[Hidden]

Hi Mark and welcome. You have come to the right place.

[Byelka]

Use "I" statements. This helps to take the blame out of it and reframes the conversation to what you need. Example "I can't sleep at night because I am worried about you." "It would help me a lot to know you are seeking help for this."

It's so awesome that you're looking for ways to help yourself through this. It's not too much to expect she do the same, but she has to make that choice.

[catch_the_music]

Can you do therapeutic things together? Maybe volunteer with your favorite charity? Many times volunteering helps people feel better about themselves. Maybe try a marriage seminar like "Weekend to Remember" or similar event. Those seminars are very good at bringing couples together and resolving their issues. Perhaps a Pastor could pray and counsel with the two of you? Prayer works! Prayers that your wife can get past this depression and you can both have a happy marriage!

[Mark123031 in reply to catch_the_music]

So very well stated. I have been, and will be, looking into much of what you described. Thanks!

[Mark123031]

Long story short again, newly married (9 months) and it has been an emotional battle. (See the first post from this past summer)

Since then, my wife has been working through a lot of long time insecurities and fears. I am now working through months of having things taken out on me.

Over the past few days she’s told me I make her feel like her life is not worth living. With every one else she acts normal.

All I get from her and her parents is telling me they’re “praying.”

While faith is important, thinking its the only solution to mental health is frightening.

I don’t even know if I’m asking a question here. I’m just frustrated with my wife and her family that the ole “thoughts and prayers” is their only solution.

Thanks for reading.