Life

[iriss]

I have been having an awful time lately. I hate going to school, I hate being at home, I hate having to talk to people, I hate not talking to people. I don’t have regular therapy, I feel like I’m going to actually go insane without regular therapy. I can’t make any adjustments to that schedule. I hate being with my dad.

I try to just get through the day and get home and do homework but I just can’t. I wake up and I don’t want to go to school, I get to school and every class period I am empty and void of emotions. I am sometimes to the point of crying because I’m frustrated and upset. There’s people at my school who make me want to sob because of what they remind me of. I have to see them every day. I don’t like seeing them but I have no choice.

I get home and I sit down and I stare at the wall and I feel COMPLETELY LIFELESS. I feel empty and I have nothing inside of me. I can’t focus on school work and I can’t remember anything and I can’t get my work done. I stay up until midnight or later every day because I can’t do my work. I get 6 hours of sleep every night, sometimes less. Throughout the day I am almost falling asleep in all of my classes. I can’t focus when I’m exhausted, and I am constantly exhausted. I want to go home and take one night off as a relaxing night for reading or playing a game or just sleeping, but I NEVER get that opportunity. I have hours of homework every night and I’m so frustrated and upset from my school day that I can’t focus at home and then I have a mental breakdown over my school work because I simply cannot do it. I don’t grieve over my mom properly or deal with those emotions properly because I don’t know how and because I don’t have time. I know, mental health is a priority and I should always make time for it, but if I sacrifice school work for mental health then that makes my other days harder because there’s more work. I CANT SACRIFICE SCHOOL WORK because it doesn’t help at all!!! It adds more stress because I have to remember what assignments I’m missing and what I have to make up and don’t have to make up. Then I have more homework, thus more stress, thus less focus, thus more mental breakdowns. It’s a never ending cycle that I can’t break for the life of me and every day I get worse and worse and one of these days I’m going to explode and I don’t think I’ll be able to recover

[iriss]

I don’t have time to call support lines or text them because I have to sit and do all of my homework all night or else I’ll get bad grades!!! And bad grades makes me extremely stressed !!! I need to get my homework done first, then deal with emotions, but there is never a night when I get all of my work done on time. I’m always behind on assignments. Always ! And it’s so frustrating. Nothing is getting better and I am only getting so much worse and I’m coming to the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do.

I almost want to admit myself to a mental hospital because I just need a break from life but I don’t think I can do it and then I’d be stressed from school work because I’d have to make up a TON OF WORK!

[Indigojoe]

after reading some of your back posts, I think it is time for you to call child protective services for yourself and your brother.

You both deserve relief from your situation. Emotionally and physically.

When you go to school tomorrow, go directly to the schools social worker or your counselor, ask them to call child protective services on your behalf.

Print out the posts you have posted in your forums, and they explain everything anybody needs to know about your situation.

Whatever town you live in, assuming you are in the US, both the local police department and the school have social workers who will have your back.

You are well written and have explained yourself very clearly in your past posts, so you have a perfect running journal of your thoughts, feelings and physical surroundings.

Report back to us tomorrow night and let us know how it goes.

[iriss in reply to Indigojoe]

But that will make everything much more complicated and I wouldn’t have anyone else to live with. I would have to live with my older siblings who I don’t like being around because they solve their problems with alcohol. Or I’d have to go to extended family who I don’t trust and who wouldn’t be able to take me places I need to go and they wouldn’t be able to support me well enough. I’ve told my guidance counselor and therapist how much I hate being around my dad and they say I need to just try to block him out or just work with him and just be okay with it until I move out. I don’t want to make things more complicated because then that will make me much more stressed and upset.

[Eowyn7]

I'm really sorry you are struggling with all of this. If you ever need an ear to vent to, mine is available. High school was awful for me and I totally relate to the suffocating mountain of homework.

Going off of this and some of your prior posts, it seems to me that you aren't willing to risk making waves to improve your situation. If someone suggests talking to your dad, or your school, you say you can't. It might seem like you are trapped, but really you are not. You do have options, it's just that those options may have (unintended) consequences. It is good that you are thinking ahead, since thinking about consequences is a skill many people don't have. However, I encourage you to examine the extent to which you are letting fear of consequence rule your life. At a certain point you have to decide if your circumstances are bad enough to risk making a change.

[Carlaxxx]

My first year in college I was so stressed that I though about kill myself... How is it possible that school work can stress us that much? Please be careful. School is not more important than your life.

My high school schedule used to be:

4:00 Get ready

5:00 am be out of the house

6:00 am be at the buss station and do homework

7:00 am be in the second bus and do homework

8:00 am arrive to school and do homework, 10 minutes to eat.

8:50 am to 12:00 pm have classes

12:00-1:00 pm Have special class and skip lunch.

1:00-4:00 pm have classes

4:00-6:00 pm have extra classes

6:00-7:00 pm wait for the bus

7:00 pm be in the bus and sleep

8:00-9:00 pm be in the other bus

9:00-10:00 pm be in the other bus

10:00 pm arrive home

10:00-11:00 pm relax and eat

11:00-2:00 am sleep

2:00-4:00 am do homework

Repeat from Monday to Saturday.

I would spend Sunday crying and sleeping.

I used to think that I would prefer to die than getting something less than a 100.

In middle school I developed depression, in highschool I developed anxiety...

In college I would often get 108 or 120 in my University classes.... But I felt empty, I felt like trash, like the most worthless thing in the entire universe. Please be careful, take care of yourself. Having a low grade is not the end of the world. Take care of yourself. Please. It is a living nightmare to be like this.

[iriss in reply to Carlaxxx]

I’m just afraid that I won’t be able to do anything with my life if I don’t keep my grades up. We have a very tiny amount of money, not enough for me to go to any college without scholarships. I want to go to a music conservatory too, and I need good grades and talent to get in.