Why can’t I feel proud of myself?

[StereotypicalPisces]

This month marks a year of when I started having panic attacks and having extreme anxiety. I hated my life and also became incredibly depressed. I quit my job at the time and became housebound, scared to even go to the grocery store, sometimes having to leave becoming overwhelmed by looking for things as simple as floss. I could barely eat and I lost a lot of weight. Some days it was if I were paralyzed and couldn’t walk. I’d need help bathing as the sound of the shower terrified me. Everything came about so suddenly. My life cane to a screeching halt.

After starting therapy and seeking help from a psychiatrist I made such great progress and was finally able to drive on my own again and go to crowded places and not be bothered as much and i finally started working and becoming independent again and I felt amazing and so happy I made this progress. I’m doing online business classes and lately I’ve been backtracking in all my progress and I’ve become prone to panic attack’s and depressed again.

Lately I’ve started hating my job and I have another job that I work on call for that I love but my first job makes a lot more money. I’m starting to regret going back to school because it’s all just so overwhelming. Now I’ve developed chronic acid reflux and I feel nauseous almost all the time and it makes life even harder to live and makes work feel even worse. I’ve started not being able to eat much again and most OTC acid reducers only work for short periods of time before I flare again. I’ve started taking Xanax again after months of not really needing it. I feel so disappointed and miserable. I recently also had a breakup with a guy (in May) who ended up being emotionally manipulative and would constantly threaten suicide if I didn’t do what he wanted like letting him use my car or borrowing money he would never pay back. I’ve lost hundreds over the past 2 years I’ve spent with him and he’s caused hundreds more worth of damage to my car. It all feels like too much.

I want to be a normal 21 year old but I can’t, I feel tired all the time even if I’ve done nothing all day. I want to date but I’m always too scared and end up rejecting guys I really like. I’m scared to even start another relationship after having two mentally abusive ones. I feel like I’m not going to be able to handle school and end up failing and I really want my degree. I feel helpless and hopeless and I’m tired of feeling sick and tired. I haven’t enjoyed my life in over a year now and I feel mentally exhausted. My home isn’t even a safe space because my parents are heading towards separation and I feel like no matter where I go there’s nothing but negative energy and panic attacks. Even my mother has panic attacks because of the stress in the house. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared to try more antidepressants and I just want to feel like a normal person and be able to eat normally without Xanax or 1,000 antacids. But i do have an appointment with my psychiatrist for next week. Even though it feels like forever away hopefully I can get on the right track again because this is no way to live. Every time I see a doctor they always emphasize how I shouldn’t be under this much stress at only 21.

I’ve been told my GI issues may go away when my anxiety lessens but it’s hard to be calm when you feel sick but still have to work and come home and do more school work and have constant deadlines. I feel like I haven’t been able to rest since I started working again and it’s starting to take a toll on me.

[Agora1]

Hi Stereo Pisces, As I was reading your post, I will admit I was taken back by your age. It sounded like a much older person having gone through the ups and downs of your life. Having been Agoraphobic myself, I commend you for the progress you achieved in once again getting out of the house, working and online classes as well. It's amazing all you have accomplished. Sometimes we need to hear it from others when we never stop expecting more and more of ourselves. And sometimes, we need to step back and say "I'm pretty darn proud of all I've accomplished against the odds of anxiety"

With all that's going on in your life now, relationship issues, parents marital problems, your job and schooling it's not hard to believe that panic attacks and depression would take advantage of your vulnerability right now. When the mind get overloaded with stress, it spills over into physical ailments in which you are experiencing now.

This is the time to think of your successes that you achieved, the positives you accomplished in your life. Therapy and medication is well warranted at this time. It doesn't mean you failed at anything. You are a normal human being who is being tugged at both physically and mentally. You need that Band-Aid to help you along until you gain your strength and find your way once more. And you will.

While your doctor is gone on vacation start using resources on YouTube. It's an excellent way to get some free therapy methods that will help in the interim. With the stress you are under, you need that daily escape/respite from life and it's problems. Find yourself a quiet spot each day when you can have your mind let go of life's issues and focus on the present moment and just breathe. Listen to videos that will guide you through Mindfulness/Meditation/DeepBreathing. 5-10 minutes is all you need daily. There is a lot to say on the Mind/Body Connection and right now you need to relax both.

I hope you get some peace of mind in finding something that can take you away for awhile. We're always here to support you through this bumpy road right now. Know that it won't always be that way. At 21y.o. you have a lot to look forward to. Believe and stay Positive. xx

[StereotypicalPisces in reply to Agora1]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Your feedback and advice is really what I needed today. I struggled trying to get up to even shower or eat and run a few errands but I haven’t been practicing self care because I’ve been focusing so hard on my stress and physical symptoms. I need a little time to myself and get my mind right. I can’t quit fighting now, even though sometimes it feels like fighting is useless.

[Agora1 in reply to StereotypicalPisces]

Hi Pisces, fighting can be useless BUT Accepting what we've been given in life and believing that we can and will get past this block will be more useful. One step at a time, one issue at a time in going forward won't make it feel so hopeless.

Staying in bed, in pjs or a robe is not the way to go. How we look to ourselves plays a big part of how we think of ourselves. When we shower, get dressed, eat properly, it gives us the stamina and confidence that we can do this. It may be a few errands but getting out in the fresh air and sun and fulfilling an accomplishment can do much for your psyche. It's not easy I know to push ourselves, but once we do the reward is great. Nothing worthwhile ever came easy. You can do this. I'm behind you, you just need that little nudge of kindness. I care Pisces xx